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Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Gliddy gloop gloopy. Nibby nabby nooby la, la, la, lo, lo.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ToozDee, September 18, 2012.  Happy birthday to Liz, who does NOT turn twenty-four today.  In fact, We wished three people a happy birthday on SitOnOurFaceBook this morning, and, as near as We can tell, not ONE of them was turning twenty-four.  Sigh.  Fortunately, an arcane WorldWideInterWebNetzian alerting service alerted Us to a fourth birthday…so happy birthday to JR, who turns twenty-four today.

That almost sounds like an endorsement of “ask and ye shall receive”, dunnit?  Well, it’s not.  Once again, around these parts, We have had proven for Us “ask and ye shall NOT receive”, which is the corollary to “don’t look forward to anything, because you will assuredly be disappointed”, which can be stated more succinctly as “expect nothing, and you’ll be disappointed anyway”.  Sigh.

But enough of this levity.  Tickets are selling like hotcakes for The Match Game, so grab yours quick before they’re gone:  There are only six more shows:  Wednesday at 7:30 and 9:30, Friday and Saturday at 7:30, and Sunday at 6 and 8.  People were seriously complaining on Sunday that their faces hurt from laughing so hard.  We are NOT making that up.

Here is a little interview given by Jesus H. Christ, who is a Match Game celebrity:

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, see, now.  That jackass of a Kelli told Us that Jada Fucking Pinkett Smith’s birthday was yesterday, and here it turns out it’s today.  You are an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) with ONE fucking job to do, and you can’t even get THAT right.  Meanwhile, today is also June Foray’s NINETY-FIFTH birthday.  Who is June Foray, you ask?  Only the voice of Rocket J. Squirrel in Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Someone close to you needs some serious help  (Oh, please…EVERYONE close to Us needs some serious help.)

— and you are the only one who can give it to them!  (But who’s going to give it to Us?)

Make sure that you’re really listening, (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

as they may clue you into something quite important.  (Alternatively, they may tell Us how they keep their toilet bowl clean between scrubbings.)

There’s no need to keep worrying about a conversation that you need to have today  (No one will return Our phone calls/emails/text messages anyway.)

— all you need to do is look the other person right square in the eyes,  (Who is this “other person” of whom you speak?)

 and everything will be fine. (And dandy.  Like a hard-candy Christmas.)


Your image matters, (Not, apparently, to anyone but Us, but still…)

and you need to be mindful of how you come across to the other person.   (Again with this “other person” delusion.  Honey, when they are inflatable, they don’t really count.)

You need to look calm, confident and correct. (The phrase you are looking for is “cool, calm, and collected”.  Cunt.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that “Cunt.” is a sentence fragment.  Thank you, Micro$oft Weird™.)

What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it, (Clearly, that is why you are such a brilliant writer, Kelli.  Oh, also?  Shut. Up.)

so spend more time preparing your demeanor,  (To say nothing of Our misdemeanor.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

and make sure you are dressed appropriately.  (What does One wear to a Lithuanian luau?)

(We have no idea where that came from…just go with it.)

Feeling as if you’ve hit the wall, romantically speaking? (Actually, that doesn’t sound romantic at all.)

It’s time to call up someone who knows what they’re talking about.  (Well, that leaves out everyone who is currently speaking.)

Who possesses love longevity? (Lorna Luft?  Lindsay Lohan?  Larry Linville?)

(That?  Was much easier than you would think it would be.  True fact.)

 Find out the key to their success and proceed accordingly.  (Or just tell that old joke whose punchline is, “Find the keys and we’ll drive out”.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.