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Friday, September 21, 2012

WAR! (Mm-hm.) HUH! (Mm-hm.) What is it good for?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 21, 2012.  Our calendar would like Us to know that it is the UN International Day Of Peas.  All they are saying is give peas a chance.  We are, unfortunately, not a fan.  We don’t like peas on a good day, other than possibly a stray pea or two in a good minestrone, and the idea of whirled peas makes Us nauseated.

What?  Oh.  Never mind.

Equally unfertile comedically are today’s celebrity birthdays, unless one of YOU can think of a joke that starts out, “Bill Murray, Larry Hagman, and Stephen King walk into a bar…”


Also unfunnily (which, according to Micro$oft Weird™, is not a word.  Isn’t that funny?  (Here’s a hint:  NO.)), We are currently contemplating the speed with which September has flown by, largely due, We surmise, to the Fringe Festival, wherein, unless One’s friends are IN One’s show, One does not see them, unless they are civilian friends, and COME to One’s show.  In Our Own particular instance, We suspect part of this is due to a paucity of that particular commodity, a factor which We had, prior to September, been actively working to rectumfy.  (Our WorldWideInterWebNetz wanted you to know that paucity > scarcity > dearth.  (If you don’t know what that means, you probably shouldn’t be having your mother read Erix Daily Horoscope to you in your bath.))

Tickets, meanwhile, are selling like hotcakes (to total strangers, anyway) for The Match Game, so grab yours quick before they’re gone:  There are only four more shows:  tonight and tomorrow at 7:30, and Sunday at 6 and 8.  If you are undecided as to when to come, may We steer you towards the 8PM Sunday show, which is certain to be the wackiest, zaniest, and most madcap.  You’re welcome.

It is difficult to believe that it was only three short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:

Here is a little interview given by Jesus H. Christ, who is a Match Game celebrity:

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Apropos of nothing, urban dictionary would like us to know that “shaking the ketchup bottle”  is a euphemism for masturbation.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You feel more open than usual, (Gee…sure hope nothing falls out. (Poop!))

and your terrific social energy (To say nothing of Our terrific social disease.  (SSSHHHH…say NOTHING!))

should keep you chattering away about almost anything that comes to mind. (Of all the things We’ve lost, we miss Our mind the most.)

Try not to over-share, (Shouldn’t that be over-Cher?)

but don’t freak out if you do.  (Okay, those of you who know what We’re like “normally”…do you have any interest in seeing Us “freak out”?  We didn’t think so.)

Today, an unexpected encounter will spark the start of a new phase of stronger, more independent thought. (How unexpected can it be, now that you’ve told Us about it?)

You’re not going to be as interested in joining a group of people as you will be at exploring new hobbies, movies, and destinations on your own.  (Paucity, scarcity, dearth.  (You DID read that like “lions and tigers and bears”, didn’t you?  (If not, We’ll wait while you go back.)))

(This is We, waiting.)

The urge to go it alone (Are We talking about shaking the ketchup bottle?)

might make you a little nervous or even scared, but it will be welcome. (What is “it”?)

You’re looking for stimulation, and the kind of stimulation you get is not necessarily as important as the way it makes you feel — inspired!  (Well, that’s one word for it.)

You have hundreds, possibly thousands, of friends and acquaintances, (Which part of “paucity, scarcity, dearth” was unclear to you?)

but how do you spot that special someone?  (Um, they got off the short bus.)

 Well, with your free and careless style, that shouldn’t be a problem.  (Was “free and careless’ really the phrase you were looking for?)

Your knack for picking out just the right person for the right occasion (You do realize that people and purses are two different things, yes?)

won’t leave you lonely or deprived where it counts. (“Deprived Where It Counts” was, of course, Our nickname in high school.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.