Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 21,
2012. Our calendar would like Us to know
that it is the UN International Day Of Peas.
All they are saying is give peas a chance. We are, unfortunately, not a fan. We don’t like peas on a good day, other than
possibly a stray pea or two in a good minestrone, and the idea of whirled peas
makes Us nauseated.
What? Oh.
Never mind.
Equally
unfertile comedically are today’s celebrity birthdays, unless one of YOU can
think of a joke that starts out, “Bill Murray, Larry Hagman, and Stephen King
walk into a bar…”
Sigh.
Also
unfunnily (which, according to Micro$oft Weird™, is not a word. Isn’t that funny? (Here’s a hint: NO.)), We are currently contemplating the speed
with which September has flown by, largely due, We surmise, to the Fringe
Festival, wherein, unless One’s friends are IN One’s show, One does not see
them, unless they are civilian friends, and COME to One’s show. In Our Own particular instance, We suspect
part of this is due to a paucity of that particular commodity, a factor which We
had, prior to September, been actively working to rectumfy. (Our WorldWideInterWebNetz wanted you to know
that paucity > scarcity > dearth. (If
you don’t know what that means, you probably shouldn’t be having your mother
read Erix Daily Horoscope to you in your bath.))
Tickets,
meanwhile, are selling like hotcakes (to total strangers, anyway) for The
Match Game, so grab yours quick before they’re gone:
http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar
There are only four more shows: tonight and tomorrow at 7:30, and Sunday at 6
and 8. If you are undecided as to when
to come, may We steer you towards the 8PM Sunday show, which is certain to be
the wackiest, zaniest, and most madcap.
You’re welcome.
It
is difficult to believe that it was only three short weeks ago that HimSelf was
named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html
Here
is a little interview given by Jesus H. Christ, who is a Match Game celebrity: http://blog.livearts-fringe.org/2012/09/14/philly-fringe-vital-stats-jesus-christ/
Here
is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic: http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html
Here
is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with
your morning horoscope:
Apropos
of nothing, urban dictionary would like us to know that “shaking the ketchup
bottle” is a euphemism for masturbation.
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
You
feel more open than usual, (Gee…sure hope nothing falls out. (Poop!))
and
your terrific social energy (To say nothing of Our terrific social
disease. (SSSHHHH…say NOTHING!))
should
keep you chattering away about almost anything that comes to mind. (Of all the
things We’ve lost, we miss Our mind the most.)
Try
not to over-share, (Shouldn’t that be over-Cher?)
but
don’t freak out if you do. (Okay, those
of you who know what We’re like “normally”…do you have any interest in seeing
Us “freak out”? We didn’t think so.)
Today,
an unexpected encounter will spark the start of a new phase of stronger, more
independent thought. (How unexpected can it be, now that you’ve told Us about
it?)
You’re
not going to be as interested in joining a group of people as you will be at
exploring new hobbies, movies, and destinations on your own. (Paucity, scarcity, dearth. (You DID read that like “lions and tigers and
bears”, didn’t you? (If not, We’ll wait
while you go back.)))
(This
is We, waiting.)
The
urge to go it alone (Are We talking about shaking the ketchup bottle?)
might
make you a little nervous or even scared, but it will be welcome. (What is “it”?)
You’re
looking for stimulation, and the kind of stimulation you get is not necessarily
as important as the way it makes you feel — inspired! (Well, that’s one word for it.)
You
have hundreds, possibly thousands, of friends and acquaintances, (Which part of
“paucity, scarcity, dearth” was unclear to you?)
but
how do you spot that special someone?
(Um, they got off the short bus.)
Well, with your free and careless style, that
shouldn’t be a problem. (Was “free and
careless’ really the phrase you were looking for?)
Your
knack for picking out just the right person for the right occasion (You do
realize that people and purses are two different things, yes?)
won’t
leave you lonely or deprived where it counts. (“Deprived Where It Counts” was,
of course, Our nickname in high school.)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment