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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Da doo ron ron ron, da doo ron ron.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, September 27, 2012.  Well, it may be that We shan’t exactly expire this time around.  Our apologies to those who were hoping otherwise.  It appears that We were only cognizant of the third of the dengue-fever-bubonic-plague-syphilitic-chlamydia’s Three Days Coming, have now lived through all three of its Three Days With You, and are now on the first of the Three Days Going.  It’s like The Twelve Days of Christmas, except with fluorescent green snot.  So far, We are left with an ear that won’t unplug and a chesty cough.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), Chesty Cough is, of course, a female porn star.  She does str8 porn.  She smokes cigars.  Sometimes three at a time. And blows smoke rings.  Also sometimes three at a time.  (Honestly, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.  Meanwhile, even Our str8 Boi Readers With Erectile Dysfunction just popped boners.  Because We?  Are Just. That. Good.))

(All y’all are picturing Chesty Cough now, aren’t you?  (Well, those who aren’t picturing Our str8 boi readers’ boners.) Her latest cinematic endeavor was entittled (heh) Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cigar.)

But We digress.  We also have a plumbing problem, but that’s the plumbing in OurHouseWhereWeLive, not Our Own Personal plumbing.  We don’t suppose any of you bois who are handy with tools would care to come over and check out Our pipes?

What’d We say?

In other news, this was quite a week for celebrity birthdays that We had to miss out on because We were under the weather.  And today is no exception.  Perhaps it’s just as well We can’t go out amongst the living, as We would have to decide between partying with Shaun Cassidy, Wilford Brimley, or Meat Loaf.   We are not, of course, invited to Gwyneth Paltrow’s party, after last year’s incident in which We baked her an Apple pie.

(The layers and levels of humor in here are just infinite, no?  Like an enigma cloaked in a riddle wrapped in a mystery rolled up in a rolling paper smoked by a pothead on the corner of 40th and Baltimore.)

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far…We’re fairly certain We shall be able to train Chesty Cough to blow smoke rings and shoot ping pong balls through the centers of them by the time Scorpio rolls around:

It is difficult to believe that it was only a few short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:

We are inordinately pleased with Ourself that, in the mdist of Our affliction, We managed to do two loads of laundry and run the dishwasher.  Which We have just finished emptying.  And YOU.  Are There. (Kiss Us quick, we’re Walter Cronkite.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You’ve got to find people you can get along with (See, in Our head, Barbra Streisand is now singing, “People….Soylent Green is people…”.   Speaking of Barbra Streisand (We’ll take Old Gay People Phrases for $500, Alex), We just saw a trailer for a fillum in which she plays Seth Rogen’s mother, who is driving cross-country with him.  It is called The Guilt Trip, no, We’re not making that up, and way to shoot for relevance, Babs.)

— though that could just mean your friends and family. (Did We stumble into an AT&T commercial?  Do We suddenly have corporate sponsorship?)

It’s important for everyone to be on the same page today, (Said one Republican congressman to another.)

so communication is essential.  (What about excommunication?)

Today some important people will be paying attention to you. (We can virtually guarantee you that absolutely nothing of the kind will be happening.  Unless We have some sort of stroke and take off all of Our clothes at the Ack-A-Me.)

Are you ready? (Yes, I’m ready.)

(Oh, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Whenever the bright spotlight is aimed right at you, it’s important to take your time. (Is there such a thing as a dim spotlight?  We’re pretty sure not.)

Plan your actions ahead. (Yeah, the technical term in the biz would be “rehearse”.  You asshatted asshat who’s wearing her ass as a hat.)

Knowing that eyes are on you (Is kind of creepy, actually.)

might get your nerves pulsing, (So might Chesty Cough, at least for SOME of Our readers.)

but don’t try to rush ahead and show them something just for the sake of showing them something.  (We would make a “Burlesque” joke here, but We’re pretty sure that having Barbra Streisand and Cher in the same horoscope would make Us gayer than Liberace’s poodle’s merkin.)

You’ve got to impress them with a true display of what you can do. (How ‘bout a true display of WHO We can do?)

The pressure may be on, (In Our right ear, anyway.)

 but you can excel under it.  (Okay, We’ve drawn a blank on that one…audience participation?)

You’ve got both innovative thinking and great follow-through right now. (Obviously We’re about to play golf on Uranus.)

(How do We do it?  We have no idea.)

So how will you use these stellar qualities when it comes to your love life? (Sparingly, apparently.)

Get something started — and then keep it going.  (Way to be specific.  Bitch.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.