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Thursday, September 13, 2012

You don’t know you’re beautiful…that’s what makes you beautiful

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, September 13, 2012.

You will be pleased to hear that We had a lovely night’s sleep last night. And, in Our new-found role as Sleep Guru, here is Today’s Sleep Tip Of The Day:  after a lovely night’s sleep, when you get to the dream in which you are hollering at your talking dog, it is time to wake up, get out of bed, and reexamine your life goals and priorities.  Because clearly, if you have a talking dog, and you are hollering at it instead of going on television?  You are doing it wrong.

Apropos of nothing, We are compelled to inquire if anyone knows a Didgeridoo Guru from Peru. (How We don’t have a job in children’s television, We’ll never know.)

For those of you who are incessantly clamoring (CLAMORING, We tell you) for more behind-the-scenes glimpses of Us and Our fabulous life, We shall share this with you (but only if you promise not to tell the tabloids):  We shower naked.

In other news, while We do adore Our modern technology (what We ever did before Our 8-track tape player is a mystery to Us), it does make life occasionally even weirder than it ordinarily would be.  We recently learned of the death of a former acquaintance through the disappearance of his SitOnMyFacebook page.  On the other hand, were it not (subjunctively) for SitOnMyFaceBook, We would have lost touch completely, and would have had no idea.

Time marches on.

On a happier note, We played The Match Game twice last night.  If you have plans to come on one of the nights on which We are playing twice (Sunday the 16th and Sunday the 23rd at 6 and 8; Wednesday the 19th at 7:30 and 9:30), We highly recommend that you come to the second show.  Because (A.) it is much, much funnier and (2.) We shall drink with you afterwards.  Get your tickets here:  

And get those tickets QUICKLY if you are planning on coming this Friday, as We are on the verge of selling out. (Those of you who are fans of Our Sistah Ovella, aka Bob Mason, will want to know that he will be playing Mister Charles Nelson Reilly in Friday’s show.)

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Niall Horan’s birthday today.  Niall Horan is an Irishperson in the British boy-band One Direction.  Today, he turns nineteen years old.  He makes more money during his afternoon nap than We will see in Our entire lifetime.  Fortunately, it is also National Suicide Prevention Week.

You need to step up and take action today (If We are stepping, would that action be fetching?  Inquiring Minds want to know.)

— you won’t regret it! (Step it, fetch it, regret it…We feel a rap coming on.  (Who is now picturing Starzina rapping?  (Who is now picturing Starzina talking about HerSelf in the third person?)  Stay tuned for news of Starzina’s one-woman show…))

Your energy is almost too powerful to be believed, so once you start moving, you should find that people really start to notice!  (Insert gastrointestinal joke here.)

Attending a family gathering will give you a fresh perspective on where you want to take your life (Well, We wouldn’t mind having a talking dog.)

— it seems that stories from the past are great places to find inspiration for your future.  (Alternatively, We could be the nanny for British boy-band One Direction.)

So try not to hide your newest developments from family members.  (It’s kind of difficult to hide a talking dog.  Or a nineteen-year-old whom you’ve recently diapered.)


They want the opportunity to share in your joy (Is that a euphemism?)

— and to offer some unsolicited advice.  (Everybody wants to give unsolicited advice.  Nobody ever offers unsolicited cash.)

Instead of resisting their input, take it all in and be grateful they care so much about you. (And We’d’ve made it, too, if it weren’t for those pesky meddling kids.)

You’re lucky.  (And you’re an AssHat.)

Expect emotional highs and quite possibly some lows as well.  (So expect just about anything?  Well, that certainly narrows it down.)

It’s a perfectly natural response. (So is pooping, but We wouldn’t do it in church.)

(We have no idea where that came from.  But it was pithy, no?)

(Did thomebody lithp?)

And by tonight, amazing new energy is on the way.  (Indeed.  It’s the first episode of the new season of Glee. (SHADDUP!))


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.