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Monday, September 3, 2012

So sit on a happy face.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, September 3th, 2012.  Happy Labor Day to all of Our Gentle Readers who are in labor.  PUSH!  (Unfortunately, We already used up Our Happy Gabor Day joke over at the WaitStaff’s SitOnOurFaceBook page.)  We realize that the WorldWideInterWebNetz are practically closed today (We went to a porn site earlier, and some guy was masturbating as a tumbleweed rolled by.  (Either that, or We were looking in a mirror.  One of those.)), but We have so much to Cher with you, We just couldn’t contain Ourself.  So perhaps you shall read this first thing tomorrow morning upon your return to your Place Of Enjoyment.

Is that how it works?  We have no idea how and when YouPeople read these things.  (Well, other than you naked skimmers.  We can SEE you.  And it is truly disgusting the way you wet your thumb when you want to turn the page…)  So please feel free to tell Us about your Erix Daily Horoscope reading habits in the comments section below…

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “wet your thumb” in the preceding to “get your thumb”.  Take the day off, Micro$oft Weird™; apparently, you need it worse than the rest of Us.)

Thank you all for bearing with Us during last week’s retrospective.  We, of course, were Taking The Waters At Lourdes.  (Alternatively, We were relaxing poolside at The Sainted Mother’s, but We wanted you to attempt to conjure the mental image of Us Taking The Waters At Lourdes.  Whatever the fuck “Taking The Waters At Lourdes” even means.  We have no idea, but We’re fairly certain that if We were (subjunctively) Taking The Waters At Lourdes, whoever is in charge there would be Having The Vapors At Lourdes.  Just sayin’.)

The Big Story On Action News is, of course, that We have been named “Groovy Reader of the Month” over at Marc Harshbarger’s Deep Dish groovy gay pop culture blog.  Which will surprise no one who knows Us, as we are nothing if not groovy, nothing if not gay, We pop out at parties, and We have more culture than Cleopatra’s pussy. Why, however, they chose to use a picture of HimSelf instead of Us is a mystery.  As payback, you will see a picture of HimSelf that they did NOT use as today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Jus Tin Bie Ber’s Anus.

Also, of course, this coming Friday is the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain your tickets here:
It will no doubt amuse at least some of you to know that We recently had a dream about this show, in which the game We were playing had changed from The Match Game  to Hearts.  You know, the card game.  So We were rehearsing, all sitting in the Match Game positions, playing cards, while We attempted to explain that, if one of the Real Housewives got the chance to Shoot The Moon (which, if you play Hearts, you know is not dirty AT ALL, no matter WHAT it sounds like), We should throw the game and let them, as it would be more dramatic that way.
Yeah.  So.  When you order your Fringe tickets, do not accidentally order tickets to  The Real Housewives of South Philly Play Hearts.
Also, apropos of absolutely nothing, if you find ways to let Us know that you think We are less equal than you are, We are going to have A Problem.

Here, in case you missed it during last week’s retrospective, is this:

And here is the horoscope:

(It is Charlie Sheen’s birthday.  We are going to assume that a whole bunch of jokes just told themselves.)

You need to open yourself up (OOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!)

to new experiences and new people. (Is that Johnny Depp in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)

It’s easier than you may think (Much like Us Our Own Self.)

— and you should find that your amazing personal energy (Jigga WUT?)

helps you to make a great impression!  (Didja ever see Frank Gorshin do Rich Little?  Now THAT was a great impression.)

(Oh, get your mind out of the gutter…it’s crowding out Ours.)

Your ambition has a lot of control over you, right now, but it could be forcing you to take on more than you can really handle. (Hey, you’re the one who told Us to open up…)

Be mindful of how full your plate is (Wait…there’s food?)

— there is no point (Indeed.)

in taking on any more projects if you don’t have the energy that you need to deal with them. (Hey, SHE said it, not Us.)

You’ll only get frustrated (“Get”?)

and build up a reputation for being flaky or unreliable — and that is not who you really are.  (Indeed not.  Which reminds Us of an anecdote We wanted to Cher.  When We returned (from Lourdes), We had a piece of snail mail from OurShaunAcrossThePond (hi, Shaun!), with a pixture of a muscular young man’s naked posterior and some words of wisdom about anorectal health from an AIDS organization in the UK.  Emblazoned across the perky posterior were the words “Anal Mucus”.  Which, as We pointed out to OurShaunAcrossThePond in a subsequent email, was Our nickname in high school.  Now THAT is who We are.)

Let some stuff pass on by today.  (But NOT Anal Mucus.)

Someone needs the experiences more than you do.  (Someone needs Depends™.)

It’s time to direct your abundant energy into the most constructive and creative channel you can find.  (We are guessing that would NOT be the DuMont channel)


Maybe that means focusing on dating and mating — or maybe another topic entirely is more intriguing to you. (Based on The Silence Of The InterNetzLambz and the crickets We can hear chirping from here, We are guessing it ends in “-bating”.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.