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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, September 4, 2012.  Happy Back-To-Werq to everyone who is going Back To Werq, and Happy Back-To-Skewl to everyone who is going back To Skewl.  The way Our morning is going so far, We are contemplating going Back To Bedddddddd.  Firstly, We were completely unable to find the file of yesterday’s e-pissode, We are guessing because it was created from a download of Friday’s e-pissode which got saved to a temporary file which promptly lived up to its name.  Then We posted a few pixtures to SitOnOurFaceBook, and promptly removed the posting events from Our timeline, only to discover that the whole world was aware of them anyway.  Next, we shall no doubt wind up with Our IUD in the VCR, or We shall mix up Our Midol™ and Our speed and have Our period six times in one day.

That last bit was a joke.  We don’t have periods any more.

Now that We are being forced to jump back and forth between yesterday’s actual online e-pissode and today’s, a lot of this is going to become self-referential and shorthandy. (Is it just Us, or does Self-Referential and Shorthandy sound like a really shady law firm?)

Firstly, We speculated on whether many or most of you would be reading yesterday’s e-pissode today, when, presumably, it had aged like fine wine.  (Good year…ten o’clock.)  Which led Us to question your reading habits, but unfortunately led no one to answer.  Also, you can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.

Seconal, there was, of course, this:

The Big Story On Action News is, of course, that We have been named “Groovy Reader of the Month” over at Marc Harshbarger’s Deep Dish groovy gay pop culture blog.  Which will surprise no one who knows Us, as we are nothing if not groovy, nothing if not gay, We pop out at parties, and We have more culture than Cleopatra’s pussy. Why, however, they chose to use this picture of HimSelf instead of Us is a mystery:

  As payback, here is a picture of HimSelf that they did NOT use :

Thirstily, We may have just alluded to the upcoming WaitStaff Fringe show:

Also, of course, this coming Friday is the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain your tickets here:

As a courtesy, We shall refrain from repeating the whole tiresome story about The Real Housewives of South Philly Play Hearts.  You’re welcome.
This random bit got stuck here because We are working from an e-pissode written over a week ago:
In other news, there is a brand spanking (oooooohhh!!!) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which is above for your viewing pleasure. And here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

Here is last year’s Virgo, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

In the interest of Brand New Content, here are some random tweets from the Twatter-verse:

Threesomes are so awkward when you're the only one conscious.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like "Let's name it Rad!" and one guy was all "Let's dial that back a bit."

A woman just rammed a shopping cart into a window and yelled at a store employee because it wasn't a door.  I hired her to be my life coach.

Depressed?  Keep your chin up.  'Cause when it's down, it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

They were called Jumpolines till your mom got on one.

You think you're the straightest man in the world & then "Stayin' Alive" comes pulsating thru the speakers at free skate.

If you love a balloon, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Well, all of Our ideas about you reading yesterday’s and/or today’s e-pissode on your first day back at work are clearly out the window, as clearly you all have the day off for Beyoncé’s birfday. 

(In order to get the little thingie over the “e” in “Beyoncé”, We type “café”, in which Micro$oft Weird™ puts it automatically and copy and paste it.  (Except, of course, for that time, where We just copy-and-pasted “Beyoncé”.)  Because We’re technologically evolved like that.))

Your desire for novelty has made life a lot more interesting for you, (Actually, we’ve decided to start slowly, so as not to overwhelm Ourself.  So We’ll be starting with novellaty.)

(Of course, the question on everyone’s mind is, how on earth could We be overwhelmed when We haven’t been whelmed in the first place.)

so see if you can get yourself out there blazing trails. (Or blazing entrails.  Which, while it sounds similar, is really a whole ‘nother ball of wax.)

(Why “ball of wax”, We should like to know?  It will come as no surprise to anyone that We promptly Googled same on Wikipedia.  Here is what We found:  . You’re welcome.)

 It’s easier than you think, (As are We.  (Didn’t We just say that yesterday?  Or at any rate, one day recently?  Well, guess what?  We’ve said it again.))

and others are sure to follow along.  (A long what?)

 When everyone around you is rushing around today, you won’t be able to resist the urge to rush around with them, which means that you’re going to have a day full of lively activity.  (Is it just Us, or does that sound completely pointless?)

Make sure you have a good breakfast — and a good attitude!  (Well, one out of two ain’t a Meat Loaf song.)

The morning might start off slowly, but once things get set into place and agendas get finalized, you can expect a lot of energy to be swirling all around you.  (Again, pointless.)

Jump right into the middle of it, even if you’re not sure what your role will be.  (And again…)

Your excitement over every new possibility in your life is contagious. (Much like flesh-eating bacteria.)

(Meanwhile, since they can bioengineer everything else, why can’t they make FAT-eating bacteria?  We’d sign up for some of those.  Hell, We’d buy fucking yogurt from fucking Jamie Lee Curtis if it had fat-eating bacteria in it.)

The more you allow yourself to believe, the more the universe can deliver. (Oh, great.  More of that viZZZualization crap.  Shaddup, Kelli.)

 The craziest ideas show the most promise. (Then we must already be a winner.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.