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Thursday, September 20, 2012

Down by the riverside

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ThirstyThursdayThurstonHowellTheThird, September 20, 2012.  Lest you fear that We are turning over some sort of New Leaf based on today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus No Muss No Fuss Leave The Driving To Us (did Our Frawnch-speaking readers read that as “Pixture Du Jour Au Zhoo  No Moo No Foo Leave Ze Driving To Ooo”?  Inquiring minds want to knooo), We would like to point out that We were mainly struck by the likelihood of Our sitting calmly by a river, minding Our Own damn business, and getting smacked in the face with a roast duck.  For whatever ideas it inspires in you, you’re welcome.

To further demonstrate the continued intactness of Our world view, We have just learnt that Anne Meara shares Sophia Loren’s birthday.  How does she even bother to get out of bed in the morning?  (BTW, happy birthday, Anne and Sophia.  (What?  They could be reading this.))

We have, you may have surmised, precious little to report.  Which statement has almost inspired a joke centering around “Chicken Little to report”, but it hasn’t quite hatched yet.   Perhaps if We go sit by the river, a roast chicken will hit Us in the face.

Now We are hungry for roast chicken.  Sigh.

So do they not teach “please” and “thank you” any more, or what?  Perhaps We should give up this Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation) gig and start an etiquette column.  Since nobody seems to have any goddamn fucking manners any more.

Tickets, meanwhile, are selling like roast chickens for The Match Game, so grab yours quick before they’re gone:  There are only four more shows:  Friday and Saturday at 7:30, and Sunday at 6 and 8.  People were seriously complaining last Sunday that their faces hurt from laughing so hard.  We are NOT making that up.

Here is a little interview given by Jesus H. Christ, who is a Match Game celebrity:

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

(Okay, so as We went to collect Kelli’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulations) for the day, a video ad came on, which We could hear but not see, as it was further down the page.  The audio started out, “Wow!  This is not your ordinary tampon!  Check it out!”  Needless to say, We did not scroll down.)

You need to be more careful with your energy today — while you may feel playful, others might see you as aggressive.  (Who sees Us as Aggressive?  We’ll beat the shit out of ‘em!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Just take more time to say what you need to say and others should be fine.  (But how should We be?)

Someone in your family has been going through a life change that has caused you to look at yourself differently.  (What the hell does other people’s menopause have to do with Us?)

Embrace the educational opportunities the experience offers, and try not to get too caught up in the emotions of it all.  (Did anyone else notice that that sentence had a lot of words beginning with E in it?  And that that was about all it had to recommend it, as sentences go?  Zzzzzzzzzz….)

Remind yourself how much fun it can be to laugh until you cry.  (It’s called The Match Game,  people.  Show the fuck up, why don’t’cha?)

You’re nothing but a bundle of raw energy today. (Close.  We are actually a bundle of raw ennui.)

Although you’re loving this momentum, it may wear thin on others as the day progresses. (Since when do you imagine that We have all this concern for “others”?)

If it makes others squirm, (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke?)

confine yourself to closed quarters where you can bounce off the walls, (Okay, or that.)

unencumbered.  (We are trying desperately (and failing miserably) to come up with a joke involving “unencucumbered”.  On the plus side, We now know what We’re having with Our roast chicken.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.