If I were (subjunctively) a bitch, man…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, May 27^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Nathan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.   Additionally, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Deb, who turns twenty-four today in Annapolis.  Or, as We prefer to call it, AnnaPolis, which is pronounced like a cross between Anatevka and Anna Rexia (look at your bracelet, Anna!)

Fiddler on the Roof…now THERE’S a musical that, if We ever see it again, it’ll be too soon.

In other news, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! devotees who also follow Our antics on SitOnMyFaceBook were probably baffled by a recent several-week period during which Our page seemingly updated itself every fifteen seconds with some alleged activity of Ours in a game called Criminal Case. We had indeed fallen down this particular rabbit hole of time mismanagement, and, last weekend, We were compelled to cut the cord cold turkey. So, to Charly, Lindsay, Blaine, Paul, Noah, and anyone else who was incommoded by Our sudden departure from said crack addiction…er, game, Our apologies.

(One wonders why “incommoded” doesn’t mean “having One’s commode taken away”.  Then One wonders why there would be a word for such a thing.)

Also, Happy Vigesimo Septimo de Mayo to everybody else.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lady Bird Johnson.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Lady Bird Johnson as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: 

http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Happy Celebrity Birthday to Chris Colfer…We would still do him, and We don’t care what anybody says.

You feel extra-social today, (Indeed…it’s like a disease.)

and you should find that others feel the same way (Except that they so rarely let Us feel them…)

— at least when you’re around. (How the hell could We feel people when We’re not around?)

You should be able to make some progress in an area that had once seemed totally impossible.  (So a plain yellow pumpkin CAN become a golden carriage?)

Part of you wants nothing more than to keep quiet about what you’re feeling, (Damn shame that part is not Our mouth, innit?)

especially if it’s a touchy subject. (What if it’s a touchy-FEELY subject?  THEN WHAT?)

But a much more insistent part of you — the rebellious part who wants to challenge the world with the news — that part of you just won’t have it. (She’s just afraid to say it…dunno why: duodenum.)

You’re currently doing internal battle. (We would tell about thirty-eight fart jokes in a row right here, but who can be arsed?)

While neither side has officially won, you know who to bet on — and it’s not the side of you that wants to be nice.  (How many sides are there?)

From the morning through sometime this afternoon, you’re all that and more. (Is there a bag of chips involved?  Because, mmmmm…chips.)

Tonight, though, less is more — say it with a smile. (Alternatively, say it with a simile.  (A simile is like a metaphor. (Also, a pretty girl?  Is like a manatee.  (No idea why.))))

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

This girl is on fire

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThankFridayIt’sGod, February 8, 2013.  Well, it is An Historic Day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! (If you had (subjunctively) heard Us say that out loud, you’d’ve been shocked…SHOCKED, We tell you…at how much We sounded exactly like Maggie Smith.)  Our review of Les Miserables  yesterday got Our highest-ever single-day hit count of actual readers.  Now, mind you, the day with the picture of the naked fat man with the ginormous belly, and the day with the picture of Prince William in a Speedo™, and the day with the picture of Justin Bieber in the leather harness, and the day with the picture of Charlene Tilton all still have much higher hit counts, but they were accrued over time, and are not, We suspect, representative of perusal by Gentle Readers.  So yay, Us!

What this would seem to indicate is that YouPeople prefer when We have an actual topic.  To which We say, fat chance, and good luck with that.  Or maybe you just enjoy it when We have a miserable (heh) artistic experience.  But what the hell makes you think it’s all about YOU?

At any rate, We didn’t expect to be mentioning Les Miz again so soon, but We were minding Our Own business last night, watching Glee as One does, when suddenly and without warning two of the characters burst into a Les Miz song.  What the hell We had ever done to THEM, We haven’t got any idea.  To the credit of the Glee production staff, however, at no point were We forced to observe a single nose hair belonging to either Chris Colfer or Lea Michelle.

Immediately following this trauma, they cut to a commercial in which M&Ms sang a Meat Loaf song.

Then We went to bed and had a dream about light bulbs.

We can see you all rushing to send the URL for this e-pissode to hundreds of your closest friends this very minute.

Speaking of Glee, that is one of the few avenues via which We find out anything that is happening in the world of pop music.  We are old.  We don’t know much, ‘cause We don’t get out much.  We rarely listen to the radio, and, when we do, it is to an alternative station.  Why, just last week when Beyoncé sang at The Football Pageant, you could have knocked Us over with a feather when someone told Us that McDonna is still alive.

So, later in the Glee episode, here comes Miss Naya Rivera, singing some pop tune We are certain We’ve heard before…but where?  We Googled the title phrase on Wikipedia…it is an Alicia Keys tune.  We are vaguely familiar with her oeuvre…We know “Fallin’”, for instance, because they used it to shill CBS’s daytime soap line-up back in the day.  But this tune…We cannot quite pinpoint what commercial We might have heard it on.  (The M&Ms, after all, were singing Meat Loaf.  From twenty years ago.)

The song?  “Girl On Fire”. We are truly, truly NOT the brightest bulb in the marquee.  The  reason We know it?

Meanwhile, as if this e-pissode were (subjunctively) not already jam-packed, fun-filled, and fudge-packed (ooops) enough, you may recall that, almost exactly one year ago today, We trundled off to Greater Bostonia to witness history being made, Our friends produced their very own television show.  Well, here, a year later, as Greater Bostonia prepares to find Nemo dumped all over they asses, it is, for your viewing pleasure.  (Don’t say We never gave ya nothin’.):

Speaking of things that are on fire on the bottom, We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 and find more info here
http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

On top of everything else, it is Mary Steenburgen’s birthday.  Our cup runneth over.

You have to take advantage of this big opportunity!  (What, there’s a sale at Lane Bryant?)

If you don’t see it, then start looking (This assumes (thereby making an ass of Uma Thurman) that We didn’t see “it” (whatever “it” is) because We didn’t look.  Also, you are an AssHat.)

— by the end of the day, (You’re another day older (Stop it, STOP It, STOP IT!!!!!))

you should have stumbled across a great chance to advance your interests.  (What if We’re not interested?)

Without even realizing it, (Realizing what?)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

you have quickly ascended to the top of a powerful person’s list. (Because We were naughty, or because We were nice?)

Just by doing the right thing in the right way, you are succeeding!  (Wouldn’t that be the exact definition of succeeding?  (Unless, of course, One was TRYING to do the wrong thing in the wrong way, in which case, by doing the right thing in the right way, One would not have succeeded.  (If One does the wrong thing in the right way, does it become the right thing? (It’s like a Chinese phone book up in this place…what do two Wongs make?))))

If you are looking to accelerate in your career, (Wait…We have a career?)

this could be the beginning of a very active phase.  (Oh…We’re yeast.)

It’s not yet clear how things are going to change for you, but the changes are coming soon — so get ready. (How is it supposed to be clear how to get ready if it’s not clear how things are changing?)

Your reputation is your top concern, (All together now:  This. Boy. Is A Bottom (Bottom (Bottom…)))

so it’s a wonderful thing (Also, It’s A Wonderful Life.)

that you’re only going to shine right now.  (A little pressed powder will sort that right out.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.