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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

If I were (subjunctively) a bitch, man…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, May 27rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Nathan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.   Additionally, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Deb, who turns twenty-four today in Annapolis.  Or, as We prefer to call it, AnnaPolis, which is pronounced like a cross between Anatevka and Anna Rexia (look at your bracelet, Anna!)

Fiddler on the Roof…now THERE’S a musical that, if We ever see it again, it’ll be too soon.

In other news, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! devotees who also follow Our antics on SitOnMyFaceBook were probably baffled by a recent several-week period during which Our page seemingly updated itself every fifteen seconds with some alleged activity of Ours in a game called Criminal Case. We had indeed fallen down this particular rabbit hole of time mismanagement, and, last weekend, We were compelled to cut the cord cold turkey. So, to Charly, Lindsay, Blaine, Paul, Noah, and anyone else who was incommoded by Our sudden departure from said crack addiction…er, game, Our apologies.

(One wonders why “incommoded” doesn’t mean “having One’s commode taken away”.  Then One wonders why there would be a word for such a thing.)

Also, Happy Vigesimo Septimo de Mayo to everybody else.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lady Bird Johnson.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Lady Bird Johnson as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: 

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Happy Celebrity Birthday to Chris Colfer…We would still do him, and We don’t care what anybody says.

You feel extra-social today, (Indeed…it’s like a disease.)

and you should find that others feel the same way (Except that they so rarely let Us feel them…)

— at least when you’re around. (How the hell could We feel people when We’re not around?)

You should be able to make some progress in an area that had once seemed totally impossible.  (So a plain yellow pumpkin CAN become a golden carriage?)

Part of you wants nothing more than to keep quiet about what you’re feeling, (Damn shame that part is not Our mouth, innit?)

especially if it’s a touchy subject. (What if it’s a touchy-FEELY subject?  THEN WHAT?)

But a much more insistent part of you — the rebellious part who wants to challenge the world with the news — that part of you just won’t have it. (She’s just afraid to say it…dunno why: duodenum.)

You’re currently doing internal battle. (We would tell about thirty-eight fart jokes in a row right here, but who can be arsed?)

While neither side has officially won, you know who to bet on — and it’s not the side of you that wants to be nice.  (How many sides are there?)

From the morning through sometime this afternoon, you’re all that and more. (Is there a bag of chips involved?  Because, mmmmm…chips.)

Tonight, though, less is more — say it with a smile. (Alternatively, say it with a simile.  (A simile is like a metaphor. (Also, a pretty girl?  Is like a manatee.  (No idea why.))))

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.