Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, May 6st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Gerard, who does not EVEN
turn twenty-four today, which he does not EVEN do right here in The City That
Loves You (On Your) Back, because (A.) he lives somewhere in Jew Nersey, and
(2.) according to SitOnMyFaceBook, he is currently vacationing in Miami. So party on, Gerard. (Panty raid at Gerard’s house, everybody!)
Also, Happy Sexto de Mayo to everybody else.
And now, you must stop whatever you are
doing, because you cannot exist for one more moment on this planet without
having experienced this: http://shittywigsinproductionsofjoseph.tumblr.com/
In other news, We are awaiting with bated
breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our
birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring
Neil Patrick Harris and Anna May Wong…
(We are just going to keep right on saying
that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of
Creative ViZZZualization. (Although
apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader
actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
In still other news, We have two upcoming
shows which We would like to bring to your attention deficit disorder: on Thursday, May 8th, We will be
performing in the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour
at the Powel House. We should like to
point out that, although in the style of an old-time radio show, these are
original scripts by a very talented writer.
This program is in danger of cancellation (through no fault of its own…due
to a change in management at the Philadelphia Society for the Preservation of Landmarks),
so We could really use your support in Our efforts to remain at the Powel House
or find a new home. Please get your tickets here: http://philadelphia-society-for-the-preservation-of-landmar.ticketleap.com/walkerandodaremystery/
(We are told that said tickets are currently
HALF-PRICE (!) (We have apparently been
kidnapped by K-Mart. Again.))
Also, on Saturday, May 10th, the
WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at
L’Etage. In keeping with the Mothers Day
theme, We will be leaving Jesus H. Christ’s hippie wig at home, and performing
for the first time as Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod.
You won’t want to miss THAT! (In
order not to miss it, please get your tickets here:
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/676401
and join in the SitOnMyFaceBook event
here:
And on Friday, We do the murder mystery,
which means We get to do three different shows in three days, because Our life
is cool like that. Which also means
that, because We have noticed in advance that We’re doing something that makes
Us happy, that people are going to try to poop in Our punch bowl…just you
watch.
(We left that bit from yesterday in there on
purpose because lo and behold, the punchbowl pooping has commenced. Lucky, lucky Us.)
In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves
(not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus,
Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it
with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum
noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Our
future ex-husband George Clooney was born today. We shall let him eat cake .
(That, in case you are
mentally-differently-abled, was a euphemism.)
You need to avoid the friction that is going
down today (Wait, wait, wait…there’s friction AND going down? Things are looking up…)
(Somebody has apparently been
euphemism-loading.)
— otherwise, you may find that your energy is
wasted on small-scale conflict. (That
too is a euphemism, but We have no idea for what.)
You feel too good to get drawn into silly
struggles. (On the other hand, We could
probably be talked into a Silly STRING™ struggle.)
You may be on quite a roll right now, (Was
that a fat joke?)
but you still need to conserve your energy
for the bigger and better things coming down the pike. (That must be one long
damn pike…)
Don’t get too tied to the idea that progress
can only be defined by how much you can get done in a specific amount of time. (That
would seem to be the exact definition of progress. Words have meanings. AssHatt.)
Life is not a race, so slow down. (Nor is it
amazing. Just sayin’.)
Today, don’t take on any new projects — avoid
making any big commitments with your time. (Sorry, Bee-Yotch…since We typed Our
last response, We got alerted about a gig, inquired about said gig, and shipped
off an email to book said gig…We gots no time for “don’t”.)
You need to stay flexible and deal with
what’s on your plate. (If there is going
to be anything on Our plate, We shall have to put it there Our Own Self. Sigh.)
You’re on the move and you’re making
progress. (Which, just three sentences ago, she told Us how NOT to define. Notice however, that she never told Us how TO
define it. Fucktard.)
Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!)
if your family and friends question your
decisions. (What if We already decided that We WOULD be surprised? THEN WHAT?)
If they really pry, remember — it’s really
none of their business. (Also, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)
Your intuition will give you the truth. (YOU
CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!)
(Oh, and just to update…the gig We mentioned
earlier? Is apparently Ours. Go Us.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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