Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, May 6st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Gerard, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, which he does not EVEN do right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, because (A.) he lives somewhere in Jew Nersey, and (2.) according to SitOnMyFaceBook, he is currently vacationing in Miami. So party on, Gerard. (Panty raid at Gerard’s house, everybody!)
Also, Happy Sexto de Mayo to everybody else.
And now, you must stop whatever you are doing, because you cannot exist for one more moment on this planet without having experienced this: http://shittywigsinproductionsofjoseph.tumblr.com/
In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Anna May Wong…
(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization. (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
In still other news, We have two upcoming shows which We would like to bring to your attention deficit disorder: on Thursday, May 8th, We will be performing in the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House. We should like to point out that, although in the style of an old-time radio show, these are original scripts by a very talented writer. This program is in danger of cancellation (through no fault of its own…due to a change in management at the Philadelphia Society for the Preservation of Landmarks), so We could really use your support in Our efforts to remain at the Powel House or find a new home. Please get your tickets here: http://philadelphia-society-for-the-preservation-of-landmar.ticketleap.com/walkerandodaremystery/
(We are told that said tickets are currently HALF-PRICE (!) (We have apparently been kidnapped by K-Mart. Again.))
Also, on Saturday, May 10th, the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage. In keeping with the Mothers Day theme, We will be leaving Jesus H. Christ’s hippie wig at home, and performing for the first time as Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod. You won’t want to miss THAT! (In order not to miss it, please get your tickets here:
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/676401 and join in the SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
And on Friday, We do the murder mystery, which means We get to do three different shows in three days, because Our life is cool like that. Which also means that, because We have noticed in advance that We’re doing something that makes Us happy, that people are going to try to poop in Our punch bowl…just you watch.
(We left that bit from yesterday in there on purpose because lo and behold, the punchbowl pooping has commenced. Lucky, lucky Us.)
In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Our future ex-husband George Clooney was born today. We shall let him eat cake .
(That, in case you are mentally-differently-abled, was a euphemism.)
You need to avoid the friction that is going down today (Wait, wait, wait…there’s friction AND going down? Things are looking up…)
(Somebody has apparently been euphemism-loading.)
— otherwise, you may find that your energy is wasted on small-scale conflict. (That too is a euphemism, but We have no idea for what.)
You feel too good to get drawn into silly struggles. (On the other hand, We could probably be talked into a Silly STRING™ struggle.)
You may be on quite a roll right now, (Was that a fat joke?)
but you still need to conserve your energy for the bigger and better things coming down the pike. (That must be one long damn pike…)
Don’t get too tied to the idea that progress can only be defined by how much you can get done in a specific amount of time. (That would seem to be the exact definition of progress. Words have meanings. AssHatt.)
Life is not a race, so slow down. (Nor is it amazing. Just sayin’.)
Today, don’t take on any new projects — avoid making any big commitments with your time. (Sorry, Bee-Yotch…since We typed Our last response, We got alerted about a gig, inquired about said gig, and shipped off an email to book said gig…We gots no time for “don’t”.)
You need to stay flexible and deal with what’s on your plate. (If there is going to be anything on Our plate, We shall have to put it there Our Own Self. Sigh.)
You’re on the move and you’re making progress. (Which, just three sentences ago, she told Us how NOT to define. Notice however, that she never told Us how TO define it. Fucktard.)
Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!)
if your family and friends question your decisions. (What if We already decided that We WOULD be surprised? THEN WHAT?)
If they really pry, remember — it’s really none of their business. (Also, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)
Your intuition will give you the truth. (YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!)
(Oh, and just to update…the gig We mentioned earlier? Is apparently Ours. Go Us.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.