Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManicottiMadeWithManwich™Monday, May 19st , 2014.
(Okay, “Manicotti made with Manwich™”? We just threw up in Our mouth a little. Why do YouPeople let Us e-pisstlize unsupervised?)
You are, no doubt, going to begin to doubt the veracity of Our reportage when We tell you this, but We do feel compelled to fulfill Our mission of making you feel better by comparison to Us by informing you that Next-Door Kitchen Renovation Nightmare Week Nine-Hundred Kabillion And Elebenty-Twelve Sixteen has commenced.
Seriously. Suck it, Gordon Ramsay.
In other news, Happy Victoria Day to Our Canadian readers named Victoria. Which would seem to leave out Nat, who is the first Canadian reader We can think of off the top of Our head(s). Which seems unfair, so Happy Victoria Day anyway, Nat!
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Langston, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Aaron, and Davy, and Greg, and Jon, and Kenneth, each of whom turned twenty-four sometime since Friday. (Well, except for Aaron, who was only rehearsing for turning twenty-four. (We made a movie with Aaron once…We’d really like to see that movie.))
(We just had to go back and edit that last bit. Because a “Belted Birthday” really isn’t a thing.)
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalented Gregory GODDAMN! G., who turned twenty-four just yesterday up in Greater Bostonia. We really regret that the disastrous abortion of Our recent Comeback Tour kept Us from visiting with him this past March, and look forward to rectumfying that egregious omission soon.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses) if We (subjunctively) were to own a stable of studio wrestlers, Disastrous Abortion and Egregious Omission would definitely be amongst them. (You’re picturing their costumes now, aren’t you? Cheeky monkeys.))
Long-Time Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Gentle Readers will recall that TheLovelyAndTalented Gregory GODDAMN! G. is the love-child of Christian Slater and the late lamented River Phoenix (who would be turning forty-four this year, just in case you weren’t feeling old enough this morning. (And, in case you weren’t feeling enough like a slacker this morning, despite having been dead since 1993, Mister Phoenix has a fillum coming out soon: http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/movies/moviesnow/la-et-mn-river-phoenix-dark-blood-us-release-20140516-story.html ))
In still other news, congratumalations to Bryan, and Evan, and Peter, and Petr, each of whom gradumatated from something or another this past weekend. And, while We are too demure (oh, shut up) to know whether any of them come loudly or not, We CAN tell you that one of them gradumatated as, amongst other things, an aerialist, aka Daring Young Man On The Flying Trapeze, and how sexy izzat?
Happy Decimo Noveno de Mayo to everybody as well.
Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Linda Lavin.
(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization. (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
(How many of you are now picturing Linda Lavin as Yitzhak? (We’ll wait.))
Oh, and you’re welcome, by the way, for Our hummus recipe that We gave you back on National Hummus Day (or was it National Hummer Day?…Is puzzlement).
In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, it is Ho Chi Minh’s birthday. Happy trails… to you…until We meet again…
(That there was a little Vietnam joke. Because We’re up-to-the-minute trendy hip hep and happenin’ like that.)
You’re a visionary! (You’re an AssHatt!)
Today brings a new way of seeing the world, and you may be more excited than anyone else in the room. (Which may, in turn, be because there’s no one else here.)
Share what you see (What if We see Cher?)
and you are quite likely to inspire a few colleagues. (Unfortunately, Our inspiration is past its expiration date.)
After days of worrying that the tension in your shoulders was never going away, you’ll wake up this morning feeling like a brand-new person. (We often feel like a brand new person. Trouble is, no one ever sends Us one.)
And it just keeps getting better. (Than what?)
By evening, whatever stress you’re still feeling from recent events will be nothing more than a distant memory. (That, of course, is the AssHatt’s polite way of saying We’ll be dropping dead this afternoon.)
Help the process along. (Also, tap your troubles away.)
Refuse to discuss anything more serious than where to go to dinner. (Have you SEEN the size of Our assz lately? Clearly, We take dinner VERY SERIOUSLY.)
Gather up some of your people and head out for an awesome night on the town tonight. (It is MONDAY, We are WORKING tonight, We have no people, and Shut. Up. Kelli.)
You’re a born leader and wherever you decide to go, the good times follow — and so do the hotties! (Only because We have a dab of ranch dressing behind each ear.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.