Google+ Followers

Friday, May 23, 2014

All my exes live in Texas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May 23th, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Maydee, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Texas.  Where all of Our exes live. (That isn’t true.  (At least to the best of Our knowledge…We don’t actually pay much attention to the whereabouts of Our exes.)  But We think that is a funny song.  (It does, of course, beg the question as to whether country-western singers in Texas actually sing “All My Exes Live In Texas”, and if it takes on a whole different meaning.))


Happy Birthday also to Kory, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  (Which is where We would imagine most of Our exes actually live.  (Or at least are buried.  (Don’t look in the basement.)))

Also too, Happy birthday also too to Richard, who also too turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and additionally, Happy Birthday to Bluejean, who does the same.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Jake, and Jeremy, and Prime, and Steve, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday, except for Jake, who didn’t.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Christopher, aka AstroGeek, Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) colleague, who turned twenty-four yesterday all the way out in O Hai, Ohio, where Our comeback tour should most assuredly have taken Us by now had it not been so rudely aborted.

Also, Happy Vigesimo Tercero de Mayo to everybody else.

Faithful Gentle Readers (who don’t have ADD, and haven’t had a stroke recently) will recall Tuesday’s scintillating e-pissode on the subject of Women Who Are Named After Herbs And Spices. (For those of you who (Gawd forbid) missed it, go here: .  We’ll wait.)

So engrossed did We become in that fascinating e-pisstle that We actually put off discussing a major breakthrough in the field of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation). Then We put it off again, when Pennsyltucky stepped boldly into the new millennium by establishing marriage equality.

But enough of this duty-shirking.  Because, while We have heard of a woman called Octomom, We have never heard of one called Cardamom.   And, no matter how much marriage equality Pennsyltucky has, We still don’t see a ring on Our finger. (Parenthetically, if We link to your blog in a complimentary fashion, you might consider acknowledging that fact.  Manners…they’re not just for breakfast anymore.)  We had a decent duty-shirking excuse yesterday, as We passed Go and collected two hundred dollars, found a quarter in the gutter, and got Our hurrz did, following which a clerk at the Ack-A-Me told Us how good Our hurrz looked, but enough…

Lettuce draw your attention to today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Pepe LePew.  At first blush, it would purport to be a revolutionary new way to look at ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation)s.  We were intrigued…titillated, even.

Now, We realize that sometimes, Our somewhat devil-may-care literary approach to the stars and their courses might result in Our being taken somewhat less seriously than other ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist)s. Unlike, say, AstroGeek, who always knows exactly where Uranus is, We are much more likely to have to roll you in flour and look for the wet spot.

But We truly wanted to give this new system Our very best college try. So…in place of Aries, We see “This Bat”.  An excellent beginning, because, as They say, “Always be yourself.  Unless you can be Batman.  Then, always be Batman.”

Gemini retains its twinness, albeit with one hanging lower than the other…Leo remains feline…wait, wait, wait…Ricky Gervais?!?  We were sent scurrying to Google on Wikipedia….in what manner of new system is it possible to have a sign called “Ricky Gervais” which is NOT RICKY GERVAIS’S SIGN?!?

Turns out, these people were just making a joke.  SINCE WHEN IS ASTROLOGY FUNNY????

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Leon Uris.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Leon Uris as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “Who the fuck is Leon Uris”?))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above (and in which OurMizCatherine says We look like Heath Ledger (although it is unclear whether she means before or after his untimely death (and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is Joan Collins’s birthday, so if you are fortunate enough to own a pool, you should shove someone into it in her honor.

In the interest of getting this e-pissode out there sometime today, We offer a reading from Madame Olivia.  Who is Not. The. Least. Bit. Funny.:

Greetings Starzina ~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

Madame Olivia just met an adorable Pisces who told her that every morning long ago his mother, opening her arms wide, told him to "Open your arms to the day." She then made a shoo-away gesture with her hands and told him to "Send away any bad things that may come." Madame Olivia likes this, both the opening and the shooing-away. Let's stay open but deliberate about what we let in.

As the first sun sign to leap into the zodiacal year, little Aries, Madame Olivia has long thought of you as the engine pulling the other 11 cars behind you. Luckily you have the requisite energy to do this but please remember to care for your wonderful machine. This includes rest and even more importantly, trying not to overcommit. As always, step one is to simply watch yourself without judging as you find yourself saying yes. This will lead to future mindfulness and perhaps moderation (not one of Madame Olivia's favorite words but still important for you).

Verb of the hour: share

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.