Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, May 13st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Patrick, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to David, who also turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. And also additionally too, Happy Birthday to Beth, who also additionally too turns twenty-four today all the way out in Al-t-t-toona Town.
Also, Happy Decimo Tercero de Mayo to everybody else.
Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Leni Riefenstahl…
(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization. (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
(How many of you are now picturing Leni Riefenstahl as Yitzhak? (We’ll wait.))
A brief (yeah, right), funny (not so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: he never asks for a second cup of bleach at home”) story: We have been doing this “getting NPH’s co-star’s name wrong” gag for a few weeks now. In (what passes for) Our mind, Yitzhak was being played by Lena Dunham (We don’t really know who she is), the star of something called Girls (We don’t really know what that is). Today, as it turns out, is her birthday, so We were going to change up the joke and use her real name. Lo and behold, when We Googled the whole mess on Wikipedia, it turns out that Yitzhak is ACTUALLY being played by someone named Lena Hall (We also don’t know who she is).
Now, on the down side, both of these women are famous, and We are not. On the up side, We have no earthly clue who the fuck either one of them is, would not know them if We fell over them, and most assuredly could not tell which one is which.
POP goes the culture!
In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In IMPORTANT celebrity birthday news, Our future ex-husband Hunter Parrish was born today.
Your emotional side is in need of some attention — and you can make a real difference if you attend to your feelings. (WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HOW DARE YOU SAY A THING LIKE THAT TO US! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!!)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
See if your people can give you the space you need to take care of this. (Yeah, right. “Our people”. Now if only We could get one of Our people to get Our people on the phone…)
Your feelings may fly around like an unpredictable yo-yo today (A yo-yo is on a string…it is not the least bit unpredictable. AssHatt.)
— so it’s not the best time to make any first impressions on anybody. (Especially anybody named Lena, We’ll wager.)
Stick with the folks who know you well. (Mmmm, sticky folks…Our favorite!)
You can’t control what kind of mood you’ll be in when you are with others, but if they already know you, they’ll be fine with whatever energy you put out. (Indiscriminate bastards.)
Your emotions are in control of your life for today. (Wait…when did We get a life?)
Squeeze in some personal time today, (Oh, We don’t buy the personal time in the squeeze bottle…We buy it in the aerosol can.)
(Of all the things We’ve lost, We miss Our mind the most.)
or else you could find yourself moving at half speed or just feeling out of sorts. (This would be a good place for a poop joke.)
Do something that renews you and you start to feel — and look — just fine. (Yeah…like We can afford plastic surgery.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.