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Friday, May 30, 2014

Been called a pinko, Commie tool; got through it stinko, by my pool

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May 30rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Jennifer, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Left Coast, in someplace that purports to be neither El Lay/WeHo nor Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat. Having had no personal experience of such places We are unsure as to whether We believe in them or not, although We have certainly also heard repeated anecdotal mentions of the state of Oregano, as well as the city of Seattle, which is in some Canadian province or another.

Speaking of Oregano, herewith Our recent treatise on same.  (Hey, if We have no idea if you’re reading, you’re gonna wind up with some reruns.):

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Happy Birthday to Ginger, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Thereby causing Us to reflect upon people named after herbs and spices. Like Ginger. And Rosemary.  And Cinnamon on Mission:Impossible. (Although We can’t think of another example of a person named Cinnamon.)  And Angie Dickinson as Pepper Anderson on Policewoman. (Now THERE’S a brain cell We’ll never get back.)

This led, naturally (We being We), to speculation on ethnically-related herb-and-spice namesakes.  Are there, for example, Indian women named Curry?  That would probably depend upon the attractiveness, mellifluence-wise, of whatever the Indian word for “curry” is. Of course, the English word “Curry” is pleasant enough to be someone’s name (although We can’t think of anyone named Curry right off the top of Our head(s)), but if the Indian word for “curry” is “phlegmschmutz” or some such, they probably won’t be naming people that anytime soon.

We shall have to research this further the next time We need to call a customer service hotline.

Although, come to think of it, We know a lot more Italian women than We do Indian women, but We don’t know any named “Oregano”.  (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), focusing on the word “Oregano” (which One does a lot less frequently than One might imagine) always makes Us think of Glenda Jackson, in some movie whose name escapes Us, going on and on about “ore-uh-GAH-no”, instead of “ore-RAY-guh-no”, making Us wonder if that’s an actual Britlandish pronunciation or just Glenda Jackson being a big ol’ freak.)


Of course, if it is pronounced Glenda Jackson’s way in Britland, it is much more likely that there are Italian women there named Oregano (Ore-uh-GAH-no)…


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Also, Happy Treinta de Mayo to everybody. (We’ve kept this joke going since Mayo was Stinko, and no one’s mentioned it.)

Today’s e-pissode, you may have already noticed, is virtually content-free. (Much like yesterday’s, but who’s counting?)  SorryNotSorry.  If you want content, check out Wednesday’s tribute to Maya Angelou.  We’ll wait:

In still other news, congrats to OurMikeDoh on a damn-near flawless review in the Inquirer for his production of InAGaddaDaVida at the Arden: (Naturally, more people will see it because of the link here.  But none of them will mention it to Us.)

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Len Cariou.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Len Cariou as Yitzhak?  (How many of you would know where to begin if you had to picture Len Cariou to save your life? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Our celebutard birthday website informs Us that Justin Bieber has a sister named Jazmyn (no, really) whose birthday is today.  She is six. How this makes her a celebrity, We haven’t got any idea.

You could coast through the day if you feel like it (Well, We could.  Except that, in addition to going to the murder mystery factory this evening, We’ve actually got people We know coming to be in the audience.  So We may actually have to not suck.)

— or you could take advantage of the frictionless surface you’re gliding on (ExSQUEEZE Us?!?)

to make amazing progress toward an important goal. (Okay, whatevs.  Apropos of absolutely nothing, We recently learned that every single day of the year is some sort of National Some-Food-Or-Other Day.  Our Own Personal birthday, for instance, is National Cheese Ball Day.  (We are NOT making this up.)   We have misplaced the original website that allowed One to enter any day and find out what National Some-Food-Or-Other Day it is, but We just now received this, which outlines some of the more bizarre ones.  And which gives Us all plenty of time to make Our holiday plans for August 3rd.  Which is, of course, National Grab Some Nuts Day:  .)

Your call!  (Didja ever notice that, whenever someone tells you it’s “your call”, they’ve already restricted the choices in such a way that renders all “calling” on your part futile and pointless?)

It’s tempting for you to answer email, talk on your cell and check your messages all at once today. (Those things are not the least bit tempting, either singularly or as a group.)

You might actually be able get away with all of it, too!  (If only We had a getaway car!)

However, make an effort to check in with yourself even during the height of your multitasking, rather than trying to seek new heights. (We have read and re-read that sentence several times now, and the only meaning We can discern is, “Have sex with tall people”.)

It’s vital to see how you’re doing, especially now that your energy is running high.  (Have you met Us?)

Challenge, challenge, who wants a challenge?  (Nobody. Shaddup.)

Talk to someone hotter than you, smarter than you or generally better than you — it’ll totally boost your confidence. (Yeah.  Thinking about all the people who are “generally better than” Us will have that effect.  Except, ya know, NOT.  AssHatt.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.