Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May Twoth , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Pat, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Robb, who also turns twenty-four today across the bridge in Jew Nersey. Collingswood, to be precise. (“My name is Victoria Winters…” (We’ve discussed this…try to keep up.))
Also, Happy Birthday to Izzy, who also turns twenty-four today. In New York. Harlem, to be specific. Where, presumably, The Harlem Shake is also no longer a thing. (Remember how fast that meme came and went? Not as fast as that time everybody on SitOnMyFaceBook changed their pictures to giraffes, but still…) Also too, Happy Birthday to Elaine, who also too turns twenty-four today, all the way out in Las Vegas.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Chris, who turns twenty-four today somewhere out in Penn’s Woods.
In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lee Marvin…
In still other news, We have two upcoming shows which We would like to bring to your attention deficit disorder: on Thursday, May 8th, We will be performing in the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House. We should like to point out that, although in the style of an old-time radio show, these are original scripts by a very talented writer. This program is in danger of cancellation (through no fault of its own…due to a change in management at the Philadelphia Society for the Preservation of Landmarks), so We could really use your support in Our efforts to remain at the Powel House or find a new home. Please get your tickets here: http://philadelphia-society-for-the-preservation-of-landmar.ticketleap.com/walkerandodaremystery/
Also, on Saturday, May 10th, the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage. In keeping with the Mothers Day theme, We will be leaving Jesus H. Christ’s hippie wig at home, and performing for the first time as Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod. You won’t want to miss THAT! (In order not to miss it, please get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/676401 and join in the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1597583040466089
We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
You would not believe the Z-list of celebs born today. We aren’t even going to type any names, lest We break a nail, but you can check ‘em out here: http://www.famousbirthdays.com/may2.html
An argument flares up between you and a friend or colleague (No it doesn’t.)
(Heh…see what We did there?)
(Oh, shut up.)
— and it needs to run its course. (Of course it does.)
(Get it? “Course”?)
(Oh, shut up some more.)
That doesn’t mean pursuing your opponent if they back down, just that closure is a must. (Closets are for closure.)
(We’re just gonna sit here while you figger out why that’s funny.)
(No, really…We have all day.)
Today might leave you wondering why you didn’t decide to invest in breath mints sooner. (Wait…what???)
It just doesn’t matter who you’re with or what you’re talking about (Not to YOU maybe…Bee-Yotch.)
— you’ve got an awful lot to say, (DUH.)
and most of it goes beyond merely entertaining to actually encourage others. (Okay, if “entertaining” and “encouraging” are words, why aren’t “extertaining” and “excouraging”? Well, okay, maybe not “excouraging”, because the opposite of “encouraging” is already “discouraging”. But if you’re not “entertaining”, are you “distertaining”? “Extertaining”? “Antitertaining”? And what the fuck is “tertaining” in the first place?)
(We worry about these things so you don’t have to.)
Everyone who loves you (Names…We want names.)
— and even some who don’t yet (Say what?!?)
— sits and listens with nothing more in mind than enjoying the ride. (We gotcher “ride” right HERE, Bay-Bee!)
Your power’s dazzling now, so deploy it. (Actually, Our power is BEdazzling™. How We are not a Marvel Comics™ superhero is a mystery to Us.)
Short, sweet and light flirtations are the order of the day — text messaging might be preferred, or sending a fizzy drink with a sweet napkin note. (We’ll take “Things That Never Happen In Real Life” for $500, Alex. (Seriously? Send someone “a fizzy drink” (whatever the hell THAT is) with a “sweet napkin note”? What does any of that even MEAN?))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.