As long as you love me, We could be starving

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  TuesdayWearingMonday’sHandMeDowns, February 19, 2013.  We trust that you have all recovered from all of your Presidents Day revelries, and that you are not feeling too many ill-effects today.  We Our Own Self Personally only made it as far as Rutherford B. Hayes before We were forced to call it a night.  Apparently, We just can’t party on down wit’ da presidents da way We used to.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Mister BoBoB Jasper, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia.  Happy Birthday also to Pete, who also turns twenty-four today, also somewhere in suburbia, except suburbia as it relates to Chicago, as opposed to The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also too to Johnnie, who also too turns twenty-four today right here at home, and to Jeffery, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo.

Why, We feel as though We should go on tour to wish all these folks a happy birthday in person.

As We promised yesterday, today is A Very Special E-Pissode Of Blossom here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  (And, parenthetically, Blossom having turned up on Big Bang Theory, whatever became of her hunky-but-dim brother?  Let’s just tiptoe through the tulips of Googly Wikipedia for a moment, shall We?)

(Okay, never mind.)

(Meanwhile, if you had told Us when We were a child that someday there would be a machine in Our house where you could type such things as “Blossom’s brother Joey” and find all the answers you were looking for, We’d’ve told you you’d had one too many Rutherford B. Hayeses.)

What the fuck were We talking about?  Oh, yes…Very Special E-Pissode.  Today being the first day of Pisces, you may have already noticed a brand-spanking-new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video up above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:

(Is it just Us, or did “go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” sound suspiciously like a euphemism?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

And here are the HorrorScopes:

 (Oh Our cars and starters!  Hot on the heels of all the hoopla and hullaballoo that is Presidents Day comes Justine Bateman’s birthday!  Will the excitement never abate?)

Take care when you’re communicating today — things are looking a little weird, but you can turn them around in a big way if you just find a way to express yourself clearly and quickly.  (Howzziss: Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Your patience for indecisive people is running very low, right now.  (We’re not entirely sure whether that’s true or not…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

You know what you’re doing today, (What?)

(Just kidding.  First, We will be plugging Our new video all over the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  Then We will be going to the Italian Market and making dinner.  Our glamourz, let Us show them to you.)

so how come no one else does?  (Does what?)

Well, you’ll never be able to get a satisfying answer to that question, (Well, aren’t YOU just the Bluebird Of Fucking Happiness?)

so why even ask it? (Are you questioning Our questioning?)

You’ll only get frustrated or angry. (Usually both.)

To keep your resentment at bay, you’ve got to move past the nincompoops and just not give them a second thought.  (Well, We were going to forget about them entirely until you called them “nincompoops” and made Us giggle.  Now We can’t think of anything else.  It’s like when someone tells you not to think of pink elephants, and then all you can think about is pink elephants.)

(Are you thinking about pink elephants now?  Are they nincompooping?  We seem to recall mentioning before in these hallowed pages, elephants?  Have big poops.)

Focus your communication on getting your own stuff down, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)

not on trying to get other people in trouble.  (Do you mean get other people in trouble, or get other people In Trouble?)

(And, now that We’ve been forced to look at it, isn’t “trouble” a peculiar word?  Troublesome, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you, when it’s All About Eve?))

Modern techniques should work really well for your love life today. (So We can just pay somebody, then?)

Use email, texts, IM and more to your romantic advantage.  (That sentence right there is a very bizarre porno movie.)

(No, really…think about it.)

Everyone loves quick, sweet flirts  (Not to mention farts.)

(We TOLD you not to mention them.)

— and you’re a genius at it right now.  (Yay, Us!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Batman is here and the joke is on you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frydee, June 24, 2011.  So (almost) no one got back to Us after yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Tina Yothers You Only THOUGHT We Were Going To Say Justine Bateman to tell Us what your Batman name turned out to be.  So We’re just going to guess that it was Adam West. Except for those for whom it turned out to be Burt Ward’s Penis.

The remainder of today’s horoscope is going to be like one of those exercises where someone tells you not to think about penguins, and then all you can think about is penguins.  Except YouAll will be thinking about Burt Ward’s Penis.  (On the plus side, speaking of penguins, it could be worse; We COULD have said “Burgess Meredith’s Penis”.)

Is it just Us, or are We in the midst of a serious dearth of birthdays?  A birthday dearth, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think it’s all about YOU?)  It seems like forever since We’ve wished more than one person a happy twenty-fourth.  Which may explain the infuriating lack of attention being paid to Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video.  Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  .  We’re not even going to mention the “Like” button any more, as YouPeople obviously cannot even find Uranus with both hands.

In still more self-referential news, it has been amusing Us of late, as We have mentioned previously in these pages, to peek at Our Google Bloggonian statistics.  We are currently being captivated by the list of OLD entries that people choose to look at at any given time; every day, some not-insignificant number of obviously highly intelligent denizens of the WorldWideInterWebNetz are poring over pearls of wisdom that We cast before YouSwine in 2010.  In case this amuses you as much as it amuses Us (not that We care, mind you), herewith the Top Ten Most Viewed Erix Daily Horoscopes Of All Time (“All Time” being, of course a relative term, Our entry into Bloggonia having only occurred in January 2010):

'Cause tonight we're gonna party like it's 1929 Jan 2, 2011 172 Pageviews When the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter ... May 19, 2011, 4 comments 102 Pageviews I'll be fine and dandy; Lord, it's like a hard can... May 19, 2011, 1 comment 102 Pageviews White boys give me goose bumps, white boys give me... Jan 7, 2011, 3 comments 98 Pageviews I fell in to a burning ring of fire Jan 11, 2011 91 Pageviews And it's finger popping twenty-four hour shopping ... May 17, 2011, 7 comments 81 Pageviews So sweet and soft and gentle, my favorite Oriental... Nov 15, 2010 79 Pageviews Stand by your man May 6, 2011, 2 comments 74 Pageviews The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire Oct 28, 2010, 2 comments 70 Pageviews Mocha chocolatta ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade Nov 22, 2010, 5 comments 69 Pageviews

With that, We now present The HorrorScope.  In Smell-O-Vision™.

You’re the spark that fires up the creative engine today (Please don’t say “fire”…We damn near burned OurHouseWhereWeLive down yesterday.   We were broiling Our chicken (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We know that all We were doing was broiling Our chicken) and minding Our Own Bidness when the frickin’ chicken burst into flames!  Extra crispy, don’t’cha know.  Unfortunately, We were quickly able to subdue the resulting inferno.  (We say “unfortunately” because firemen are HAWTT.))

(Is becoming accident-prone a symptom of menopause?)

— so get things started as early as you can. (Let’s get this potty stotted.)

Your people (If We have “people”, why do We have to broil Our Own frickin’ chicken?  (That STILL sounds dirty. Dammit, it’s only poultry, people.  Paltry poultry at that.))

are waiting for you to say the word or propose a new plan, and you’re destined for success.  (We are also, unfortunately, suctioned to distress.)

The way you respect other people’s privacy is admirable, (If ya think THAT’S admirable, you should see the way We respect other people’s privates.)

but it could be limiting your opportunities. (To say nothing of your opportunities’ knockers.)

(Burt Ward’s Penis.)

Don’t be afraid to talk to the people around you about getting what you want — they’re there to help you get things started. (Could those things possibly NOT include kitchen fires?)

Managing your finances should be at the top of your to-do list today, (Lovely.  As soon as We’re through here, We’ll go rub Our two nickels together.  (THAT sounds dirty, too.  Gawd, YouPeople have dirty minds.  It’s a good thing Burt Ward’s Penis.))

 and you can get some fresh ideas from some surprising sources. (Burt Ward’s Penis for the win!)

Now that you have a clear financial goal in mind, (Winning PowerBall™.  Hey, We’re viZZZualizing it.)

you’re ready to tighten your belt a bit. (Was that a fat joke?)

 If you’ve been all talk and no action lately, (Actually, We’ve been busy being all caulk and no traction.  It’s kind of a niche market, but We want to be prepared when it blows up.)

(What?)

start practicing what you  preach to set a good example. (We are an EXCELLENT example.  We’re just not sure of WHAT.)

People appreciate your dedication to keeping it real.  (In Our experience, people are far more appreciative of Our penchant for keeping it imaginary.)

(Maybe if We stick this here, you will click on it.  Or maybe Burt Ward’s Penis.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.