Mocha chocolatta ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade

Greetings, Eggplantine Remoulade Invigorates Cornbread---

(Okay, We may have coined “eggplantine” as a stretch based on the existence of aubergine Ovaltine™.   But “remoulade” is so too a word, Micro$oft Weird™.  You don’t get out much, do ya?  (Micro$oft Weird™ is now telling Us that neither “aubergine” nor “Ovaltine™” is a word.  Right after We finish up this Erix Daily Horoscope, We’re gonna kick Micro$oft Weird™’ s @ss at Scrabble™.))

Here is your horoscope for Monday, November 22, 2010 (Happy Kennedy Assassination Day to all you assassins out there. (Didja notice there were four asses in that sentence?  (Four asses are, of course, what you see if you look at Mount Rushmore from the back. (Vacation time shares in Our mind are still available for this holiday season.  The skiing is supposed to be great this year.))));

(But enough about politics, and politicians’ assasses.  ‘Tis the season to run around like a chicken who won’t give head. (Not only is Micro$oft Weird™ pooh-poohing “assasses”  (heh…see what We did there?), it is also looking askance at “’Tis”. And, as We all know, One can’t have a holiday season without “’Tis”.  If We can’t say “’Tis the season”, then ‘twon’t be. (A note to the “taking Christ out of Christmas” wingnuts:  we say “holiday season” because it is a season of holidays, only ONE of which is Christmas.  It starts with Thanksgiving, and includes Black Friday, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, the Feast of Epiphany and Sucretia, and Mary Todd Lincoln’s birthday (seriously…look it up).  You will note that only ONE of those holidays is Christmas, and most of them haven’t got a blessed (heh) thing to do with Christmas.  (Although We did once hear a story about Mary Todd Lincoln getting laid in a manger, but that’s neither here nor Nair™.)  So if We wish you “happy holidays”, We are wishing for you to be happy from November 25^th through about the middle of January.  Whereas if We only wish you “merry Christmas”, We are wishing for you to be merry (whatever the h3ll that is) for twenty-four hours in December.   Pretty d@mn stingy, especially when wishing doesn’t cost anything.)))

(Whew!  The way We’re going on in here this morning, you would think We DIDN’T have a list of things to do that’s as long as John Dillinger’s d1ck.  (Quite a bit of history going on in here today, no?  Of course, those who don’t remember history are doomed to teepee tits.  (In addition to being a play on words, that’s a viZZZual joke.  So we’ll pause here for a mo-mo while you viZZZualize.  Go!)))

(Stop!)

(Micro$oft Weird™ accepted “mo-mo” without batting an eye. (To be fair, it may have been distracted by the viZZZualization of teepee tits.)  Turns out, a mo-mo is a Tibetan dumpling.  Which isn’t what We intended at all, but which sound yummy nonetheless. (“Nonetheless” is, of course, a word One uses to express the fact that One would always be happier if there were (subjunctively) one less nun.))

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

If you’ve been thinking about getting a new phone (What?  And give up Our rotary cell phone that still takes nickels and whose number is BUtterfield-8? (Yes, that IS a leftover joke.  But We’ve been keeping it in a green bag in the crisper, so it hasn’t started to stink yet.))

 or diving into some new pool of techno-geekery, (Yes, indeedy-doo, a pool of techno-geekery.  We are not particularly well-versed in the cultural phenomenon that is Harry Potter, but We are pretty sure “pool of techno-geekery” was coined for the fifth book in the series, Harry Potter and the Vibrating Anal Beads.)

(Daniel Radcliffe just shivered and got all damp in his panties. (What?  You didn’t know that Daniel Radcliffe was an Erix Daily Horoscope reader?  Honey, We are HUGE in Great Britain.  They’re still chortling over “teepee tits”.))

today is the perfect day to go for it. (Oh, please.  We have so many places to go today, We don’t know whether We’re Alan Cumming or Joanna Going. Seriously.  But We suspect We’d better decide before We get dressed.)

You’re totally in touch with your inner cyborg!  (Dunno ‘bout DAT, but, if you’ve seen Our @ss lately, you know We’re in touch with Our inner smorgasbord.)

Unpredictability is the name of the game now. (Well, it’s a good thing you told Us, ‘cause now We’ll be ready for it.  Oh, and, by the way, after We finish all of Our errands, We’re planning to be spontaneous.  From about 6:30 till 7:45.)

Fortunately, that’s a condition you adore. (Well, We have a kabillion errands to run, and it’s NOT pouring down rain.  We’ll take what We can get, but We’re not sure We’d go all the way to “adore”.)

Does this mean you’ll be inspired to be even more impulsive, eager and enthusiastic than usual? (Don’t hold your breast.)

It certainly does — and that could make it tough for you to concentrate, (Sorry…what?)

and even tougher for you to sit still long enough to finish up any of the projects you’ve got going.  (Fortunately, all of today’s projects are pretty much one-step.  Granted, with a lot of steps in between them, but still.)

Once it’s set down on paper, (We have a To-Do List, on which one of the Things To Do is “look at other list”.  Our world, and welcome to it.)

you should have no trouble moving forward.  (Taxi!!!)

(Anybody else look over at the index and realize that this is not the first Erix Daily Horoscope to mention Mary Todd Lincoln?  Just Us?  Alrighty then…)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )