All my exes live in Texas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May 23^th, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Maydee, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Texas.  Where all of Our exes live. (That isn’t true.  (At least to the best of Our knowledge…We don’t actually pay much attention to the whereabouts of Our exes.)  But We think that is a funny song.  (It does, of course, beg the question as to whether country-western singers in Texas actually sing “All My Exes Live In Texas”, and if it takes on a whole different meaning.))

Deep.

Happy Birthday also to Kory, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  (Which is where We would imagine most of Our exes actually live.  (Or at least are buried.  (Don’t look in the basement.)))

Also too, Happy birthday also too to Richard, who also too turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and additionally, Happy Birthday to Bluejean, who does the same.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Jake, and Jeremy, and Prime, and Steve, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday, except for Jake, who didn’t.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Christopher, aka AstroGeek, Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) colleague, who turned twenty-four yesterday all the way out in O Hai, Ohio, where Our comeback tour should most assuredly have taken Us by now had it not been so rudely aborted.

Also, Happy Vigesimo Tercero de Mayo to everybody else.

Faithful Gentle Readers (who don’t have ADD, and haven’t had a stroke recently) will recall Tuesday’s scintillating e-pissode on the subject of Women Who Are Named After Herbs And Spices. (For those of you who (Gawd forbid) missed it, go here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/05/parsley-sage-rosemary-and-thyme.html .  We’ll wait.)

So engrossed did We become in that fascinating e-pisstle that We actually put off discussing a major breakthrough in the field of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation). Then We put it off again, when Pennsyltucky stepped boldly into the new millennium by establishing marriage equality.

But enough of this duty-shirking.  Because, while We have heard of a woman called Octomom, We have never heard of one called Cardamom.   And, no matter how much marriage equality Pennsyltucky has, We still don’t see a ring on Our finger. (Parenthetically, if We link to your blog in a complimentary fashion, you might consider acknowledging that fact.  Manners…they’re not just for breakfast anymore.)  We had a decent duty-shirking excuse yesterday, as We passed Go and collected two hundred dollars, found a quarter in the gutter, and got Our hurrz did, following which a clerk at the Ack-A-Me told Us how good Our hurrz looked, but enough…

Lettuce draw your attention to today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Pepe LePew.  At first blush, it would purport to be a revolutionary new way to look at ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation)s.  We were intrigued…titillated, even.

Now, We realize that sometimes, Our somewhat devil-may-care literary approach to the stars and their courses might result in Our being taken somewhat less seriously than other ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist)s. Unlike, say, AstroGeek, who always knows exactly where Uranus is, We are much more likely to have to roll you in flour and look for the wet spot.

But We truly wanted to give this new system Our very best college try. So…in place of Aries, We see “This Bat”.  An excellent beginning, because, as They say, “Always be yourself.  Unless you can be Batman.  Then, always be Batman.”

Gemini retains its twinness, albeit with one hanging lower than the other…Leo remains feline…wait, wait, wait…Ricky Gervais?!?  We were sent scurrying to Google on Wikipedia….in what manner of new system is it possible to have a sign called “Ricky Gervais” which is NOT RICKY GERVAIS’S SIGN?!?

Turns out, these people were just making a joke.  SINCE WHEN IS ASTROLOGY FUNNY????

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Leon Uris.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Leon Uris as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “Who the fuck is Leon Uris”?))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above (and in which OurMizCatherine says We look like Heath Ledger (although it is unclear whether she means before or after his untimely death (and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is Joan Collins’s birthday, so if you are fortunate enough to own a pool, you should shove someone into it in her honor.

In the interest of getting this e-pissode out there sometime today, We offer a reading from Madame Olivia.  Who is Not. The. Least. Bit. Funny.:

Greetings Starzina ~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

Madame Olivia just met an adorable Pisces who told her that every morning long ago his mother, opening her arms wide, told him to "Open your arms to the day." She then made a shoo-away gesture with her hands and told him to "Send away any bad things that may come." Madame Olivia likes this, both the opening and the shooing-away. Let's stay open but deliberate about what we let in.

As the first sun sign to leap into the zodiacal year, little Aries, Madame Olivia has long thought of you as the engine pulling the other 11 cars behind you. Luckily you have the requisite energy to do this but please remember to care for your wonderful machine. This includes rest and even more importantly, trying not to overcommit. As always, step one is to simply watch yourself without judging as you find yourself saying yes. This will lead to future mindfulness and perhaps moderation (not one of Madame Olivia's favorite words but still important for you).

Verb of the hour: share

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Time heals everything

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, February 28^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Erin, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Our dear friend Maurice Bric A Brac.  Who lives, apparently, in Kentucky.  Because, it would seem, someone has to.  Here is Maurice in the very first e-pissode of his webseries, Please Consider Coming To My Restaurant…Or Not:

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Greg, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

You will notice that We are e-pisstling an e-pissode instead of AmCracking Our way northward to The Witch City.  This is because Our Salem gig has been postponed due to Monday’s incoming Winter Storm Tituba, or whatever.  (Back in Our day, We named Winter Storms “snow”.  (On the other hand, however, We did call The Wind “Mariah”, so what the fuck did We know?))

We shall keep you apprised of when Our Salem date is rescheduled.  Because We know you care.

And now, on a completely unrelated subject, We should like to tell you about a dream We had.  Our dream was about Our friend John (hi, John!), who, in Our dream, was the same person as Neil Patrick Harris.  (For all We know, he may be the same person as Neil Patrick Harris in real life, too…lord knows, We’ve never seen the two of them together in the same room.)

John/Neil and We had just graduated from high school together.  Along with, for reasons which are unclear to Us, Our friends Sara (hi, Sara!) and Dena (hi, Dena!).  (While incomprehensible, this is not so far-fetched as it might seem.  While We did not attend high school with John, Sara, Dena, or Neil Patrick Harris, We have it on good authority that each of these people, as well as We Our Own Self Personally, turned twenty-four on his or her last birthday, so We would all have graduated from high school at the same time.)

We were all helping John/Neil pack for his move to New York.  (That being, naturally, what friends are for, despite Dionne Warwick’s absence from Our dream.)  Because, of course, John/Neil is about to star in the revival of Hedwig.

At some point during the proceedings, some annoying underclassman girl, who did NOT graduate with Us, and Sara, and Dena, and John, and Neil Patrick Harris, and whom We did NOT recognize, and who was NOT helping Us pack, said to John/Neil, “I think you should get married.  To Nancy.”

To the best of Our knowledge, there was no one named “Nancy” present, and We had no idea who this Nancy was.  That did not, naturally, stop Us from snapping, “He’s already married.”

We were about to follow up with, “To a MAN”, but We decided that was just a little too Joan-Collins-On-Dynasty. (Why that would stop Us, We haven’t got any idea, but it was a DREAM, after all.)  So We decided to amend Our retort to be “To The-Man’s-Name”.  But then We didn’t know if We should name John’s husband Stefan, or Neil Patrick Harris’s husband David.

We did, however, know it would be really, really awkward if We named the wrong one.

So We woke up.

In still other news, We are poor, so We need to sell a lot of tickets to the following:

We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6^th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here: https://www.facebook.com/events/462325460534871/

On Friday, March 7^th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.

And on Saturday, March 8^th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage: https://www.facebook.com/events/289403944541722/

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber.  (Also, Happy Justin Bieber’s Birthday Eve.):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Fuck this noise…it is Bernadette Peters’ birthday.  Which should be a national holiday.  So We’re taking the rest of the day off, and here’s a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

It is clear to Madame Olivia that we would all do well to simplify, simplify! Studies show that the fewer possessions we have to worry about, the happier we are. Easier said than done, but a useful guide when you're debating about a nonessential purchase and a helpful push toward getting rid of stuff. A bit of weekly weeding is a personal goal of Madame Olivia's. Just a thought.

Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a thought for you. With both Neptune and little Chiron in Pisces, the spirit of connectedness is very much in the air. Is there somebody out there for whom you have good feelings, like love, or fondness, or appreciation, who would relish hearing you express those good feelings? You are generally so positive and kind that this might not occur to you, but could there be a forgotten soul out there who needs your sunlight? In MOHO (Madame Olivia's Humble Opinion) now is an excellent time to look at this and take action. The recipient will love it, especially coming from you, plus your own Personal Joy Quotient will soar.

Verb of the day: wonder

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Look at all Our trials and tribulations

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThirstyThursday, May Twenty-Turd, Twenty-TurdTeen.

Oh, Our brethren, and Our cistern!  When We asked, yesterday, from the depths of Our despair, for an outpouring of cheer from YouPeople, who knew that We would receive enough cheer to choke a chicken, and then some?  Certainly not We!

Sarcasm…it’s what’s for breakfast.  (Choked chicken is, naturally, for lunch.)

In other news, Happy Birthday to Madi, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.    Also, Happy Birthday to Richard, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.    Also also, Happy Birthday to Bluejean Foodcritic (which We suspect is not his real name) who also also lhasa apso turns twenty-four today, also also lhasa apso right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

We have an entire editorial (or should that be “e-ntire e-ditorial”?) screed off on which We would like to go, but We shall be saving that for another e-pissode, lest We cast all of Our pearl necklaces up the swine flue at once.  Stay tuned…it’s a doozy.

And now the HorrorScopes:

Joan Collins is eighty today.  We are fairly certain that’s all anyone needs to know.

You’ve got to renew your commitment to a person or project today — (“Renew” is an odd word, no?  It kind of acts as if “new” were (subjunctively) a verb.)

(A mind is a terrible thing, especially when it’s smaller than your waist.)

maybe formally, or maybe just inside your heart. (Or mayhaps in the depths of your duodenum.  What the fuck are you blathering about, Kelli?)

You may find it to be much easier than you had anticipated!  (Mmm-hmmm….because THAT happens ALL the time.  Things are ALWAYS turning out SO much easier than One had first anticipated.)

While things in your personal life are getting lighter and brighter right now,  (When did We stumble into a laundry detergent commercial?  (See, you THINK that was a non sequitur…until We tell you that it’s a Cheer™ commercial.))

(See what We did there?  We are a Highly-Trained Professional….do NOT attempt this at home.)

you can expect things to get hot and heavy in the business aspects of your day. (So We’re becoming a prostitute then?  When We can’t even GIVE it away?)

This will definitely not be an easy day  (Our world and welcome to it…who needed astrology to tell Us THAT?)

in terms of negotiating or making a power play, but whatever trials you go through will teach you some invaluable lessons!  (And that’s just the trials…imagine what the tribulations will do for Us.)

(That’s the trouble with tribulations.)

If you can, reschedule a big meeting that’s hogging up your day (All things considered, We’d rather “new” be a verb than “hog”. Assuming We get a vote.)

— you need more free time to play with. (Indeed so.)

It will be invaluable in helping you keep a clear head.  (I can see clearly now, Lorraine has gone.  I can see tall Popsicles™ in L.A.)

(What the fuck does that song even MEAN?  Who the hell is Lorraine?)

Get ready for a change of gears (Sorry…We can’t drive a stick.  (So much for that prostitution plan.))

— the stars send some seriously introspective vibes your way, especially when it comes to the why’s, the where’s and the how’s of romance. (Get. Those. Fucking. Apostrophes. Out. Of. There. NOW.)

Break out a new journal or go for a walk.  (Or, break out a new urinal.  With a new urinal cake.  Because, mmmmmm….cake.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.