She just loved my big ten inch record of her favorite blues

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (For That ‘Not-So-Fresh’ Feeling), May 15^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Sweetbreadstudios, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We were not even going to e-pisstlize today, but then We learned that it is National Hummus Day (or is it National Hummer Day?…We are easily confused…)  And would We leave you un-e-pisstlized on National Hummus Day (or National Hummer Day)?  We would NOT.

Co-inky-dinkally, We were recently asked for Our hummus recipe on SitOnMyFaceBook.  (We have not been asked for Our hummer recipe for years.)  So We thought We would share it with Our Gentle Readers here as well:

Hummus bi Tahini (We have no idea what’s so “bi” about it; We have certainly shared it with people of any number of sexual preferences.)

My "recipe" is very like somebody's grandmother's, but here ya go:

(all quantities are "to taste")

1 15-16 oz can garbanzo beans
1/4-1/3 C tahini
2-3 Tbsp lemon juice
2-3 Tbsp olive oil (use more if it is too thick once blended)
2-4 cloves garlic, minced
1-2 tsp ground cumin

Mash that all together (I have used a potato masher or a hand mixer, but I now have an immersion blender which makes it so much easier). Thin with olive oil if it is too thick. Add salt/seasoned salt/ Adobo to taste, as well as hot sauce/cayenne/paprika if you want a kick. Garnish with chopped parsley and/or scallions.

The initial request came from Katy (hi, Katy!) and the recipe was approved by OurMizCatherine and Our Sistah Ovella.  (Hi, Catherine!  Hi, Ovella!)

John, (whom, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) We have seen naked) meanwhile, chimed in all the way from The Left Coast: “Truly superior hummus can only be made by lesbians or hippies I was once told...” (Hi, John!)

Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men…

Happy Decimo Quinto de Mayo to everybody as well.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Leonard Bernstein.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Leonard Bernstein as Yitzhak?  (We’ll wait.))

This just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz, and without it, your life would have no meaning:

http://rapshirtsforwhitepeople.com/

In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, We have no earthly idea who the top twelve “celebrities” born today even are, and you have to get all the way down to the fourth set of twelve to find Anna Maria Alberghetti and Brian Eno (of crossword puzzle fame).  The hell?

And now, because Our birthday revelry continues apace, here in lieu of call-and-response with the AssHatted Miss Kelli, a reading from madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

What do you do when you find yourself feeling down? An excellent way to change your mood for at least several hours is to get up and walk, preferably outside. The combination of giving yourself a new set of things to look at, plus increasing your blood flow is guaranteed to change your mood for the better. A dear friend of Madame Olivia's calls this "personality management." It's also "mood management." (ps: You needn't walk long, but make the pace brisk!)

An opportunity is going to arise for you which you in your haste may overlook. Madame Olivia would like to remind you to cultivate patience at this time (an effort she herself is working on). It's a beautiful quality. It makes the people you're with feel attended to, and slows you down just enough, Aries, so you don't miss anything crucial. You'll be amazed at what opens up for you.

Word of the hour for you: music

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Without someone in a tree, nothing happened here

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For JustAnotherManicDepressiveMonday, March Tenf , 2014. Happy HavingSprungForwardOurBiologicalTimePieceHasNoFuckingClueWhatTimeItIs.

Happy Birthday to Brian, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Judith, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork. Happy Birthday also too to Todd, who also too turns twenty-four today, all the way out in WeHo, El Lay.

Belatedly, Happy Belated Birthday to Austin, and David, and Jamie, and Jay, and OurAmericanCousin Dawn, each of whom turned twenty-four sometime since Our last e-pissode, somewhere right here in the You Essive Eh.

The reason it has been so many days since Our last e-pissode is that We have been busy, doing three different shows, as well as two rehearsals (one for one of the three shows, and one for a completely different show). Hi-Ho, the glamorous life, and who you callin’ “Ho”?

We should point out that We have only three more performances of Our current murder mystery, before it is replaced by Our new murder mystery.  Those dates are March 15, 28, and 29, so if you’re interested, lettuce know quick, fast, and in-a-hurry.  Also, the radio play will return with all-new episodes (they’re not e-pissodes, because they’re on the radio) on April 10.  Moron that story as it develops.

In still other news, We did something nice for someone this weekend.  (You’re shocked, We know). Well, actually for two someones.  We can’t go into detail because, to the best of Our knowledge, one of the someones (lettuce call her “Someone Number One”) doesn’t even know about it yet. (It occurs to Us that perhaps We should refer to her as “Someone Number Two”, since the other someone DOES know about it, which, it would seem, should grant him “Someone Number One” status.)

Being nice is confusing.

Good thing We don’t do it very often.

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber.  :

In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity.  Jeebus.

http://www.queerty.com/justin-biebers-penis-will-be-redacted-from-police-security-footage-sorry-everyone-20140305/

In celebrity birthday news, how is it that We are just now learning that Chuck Norris and Osama bin Laden were both born on the same day (today)?  There is a joke in there somewhere, but no one is paying Us to find it.

And now, because We have Other Things To Do, here is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia has a basic but invaluable productivity tip for you: before you take a break, know exactly what you're going to do next when you come back. This might involve leaving something a bit undone (leaving something in the well, as Hemingway said) so you can pick up where you have left off. When you return, it will be easy for you to recommence rather than having to reinvent the universe. Know what Madame Olivia means?

Aries, part of your life task is self-expression. You've got the management thing pretty well in hand, but where is the real you? What you're going through may be unsettling, but in the process you will lose a husk of repression. You're going to make some wonderful discoveries. Believe it: blossoming will ensue.

Be on the lookout for boat imagery of some sort-- a gondola? Raft? Canoe? Sailboat?

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, May 03, 2011.  Happy birthday to Deborah, who turns twenty-four today.  So.  Wills and Kate are still married, Osama bin Laden is still dead, Johnny Depp still won’t return Our phone calls, what’s new TODAY?

Not much. Here at Casa de CrapHole, Our brand new SmartAss Phone has decided that it is, in fact, SO smart that it can make decisions on its own. So it has taken to calling people randomly, of its own accord.  (It’s a cell phone, it doesn’t have a cord; try to keep up.)  Another thing it has decided is that Cathy, Catherine, and Kathleen are all the same person. This will no doubt come as quite a surprise to those three ladies.  We don’t know about you, but, back when We obtained Our first cell phone, which We carted about in a wheelbarrow, We made entries into the contact directory on a first name basis.  Thus, an entry would be “Cathy 123-456-7890”, not “Cathy LastName 123-456-7890” or “LastName, Cathy 123-456-7890”.  The Last Name field was reserved for qualifiers, i.e. “Cathy Home”, “Cathy Cell”, “Cathy Work”.  Should We acquire the number of a second Cathy, her first name would be entered as “Cathy X”, where “X” was the first letter of her last name (or as many letters as were required to distinguish her from Original Recipe Cathy).

(Is it just Us, or does the word “Cathy” start to look really peculiar when you type it that many times in a row?)

How this phone has the audASSity to violate Our brilliant system is entirely beyond Us.  But, when Cathy called Us yesterday, SmartAss Phone promptly identified her as Kathleen.  Which is not the same name at all, and starts with a completely different letter, and We would never call Kathleen “Cathy”, (or, presumably, “Kathy”).  All of the Cathy numbers, and Catherine, are now lumped together under “Catherine” and repeated under “Kathleen”.  (How SmartAss Phone decides what name to display when the same number is listed under two names is a mystery to Us.)  And, since the only number We recognize is Cathy Home, We have no way to tease the other numbers apart.

(Remember when you used to know a couple dozen phone numbers by heart?  We can still remember Our childhood best friend’s phone number.  Now, We have to look up the number for 9-1-1.)

So, Cathy, Catherine, Kathleen, send Us your digits.  And the rest of you, as dull as this was, be glad it happened, or We’d be regaling you with tales of how We stubbed Our big toe during Sunday’s photo shoot and are about to lose Our big toenail.  Possibly with photographs.

Yes, boyz and gurrrlllzzz, Our life is That. Dull.

Here’s the HorrorScope.  There’s a nap for that.

Someone tests your patience early today (Well, We sure hope they grade on a curve.)

— but you need to show them you can take it. (We can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…)

(What?)

It’s not as hard as you think to wait them out, as things are sure to get better in the very near future.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT’S what always happens.)

Utilization is the most important thing on your mind today, (Second only to Uranus.)

so feel free to take advantage of anything you can. (We already told you, Johnny Depp won’t return Our calls.)

Creative thinking has always been your specialty, (Now if somebody would just pay Us for it.)

and today it comes in extremely handy. (Hands are lucky.  Most body parts don’t get their own adjective.  Well, there’s hearty.  And ballsy.  But livery has nothing to do with your liver. And eary isn’t spelled that way, and has nothing to do with your ears. And the army is concerned with different arms altogether.)

(There’s a reason this horoscope is so boring today.  Our phone is writing it.  (Please send help.))

A group event might seem like it’s about to run off the tracks, but some quick ideas on your part save the day. (Everybody really does love the Hokey-Pokey.)

It’s a great time to take part in your community, whether that means walking around the neighborhood or attending a town meeting. (You put Uranus in, you put Uranus out, you put Uranus in, and you shake it all about…)

Getting involved can be a gradual thing.  (Actually, once you’ve put Uranus in, there’s precious little “gradual” about it.)

Arguing could be another way for you to flirt, (Could not.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but today you need to lay off the cage-match act. (Could We try that in English, please?)

If you are agreeable, you should get more attention than if you start a war of words. (We disagree.)

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

One less bell to answer.

Greetings, Endtables Reupholstered In Calico---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, May 12, 2010 (As you can see from the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Blanc Mange Frere Jacques Cousteau, since We constantly have to do everything Our Own Self because no one lifts a finger to help Us, while YouPeople were all busy with whatever petty concerns have been occupying your tiny little minds, We found Osama bin Laden. You’re welcome.):


(We have moved to a new paragraph to wish you a Happy Hump Day, because if We’d said “Hump Day” in the same paragraph with a discussion of that pixture, We might have puked up Our Own spleen.)


(WaitStaff show blurb which you MAY have seen before (unless you are a n@ked skimmer (in which case, We have most likely seen you n@ked)) follows:)


(We have been somewhat less relentless than usual in Our peddling of this show, but, as the size of Our paycheck is tied to your attendance, that nonsense is about to stop. The show, you may recall, is called The Mother Of All Sketch Comedy Shows, and it is happening on Sundays, May 16th and 23rd, at 7PM, and Wednesday and Thursday, May 19th and 20that 8PM at L'Etage Cabaret at 6th and Bainbridge Streets. You can get tickets here. The show’s theme is mothers, and, in addition to special guest appearances by some of the WaitStaff’s mothers, it also boasts returns of audience favorites Yuri (and PuppetYuri), Jesus and his mom, Mrs. MotherOfGod, and a Very Special Episode of The Real Housewives Of South Philly, in which We actually meet the Duchess’s mother. So get your tickets. NOW.)


(Because We are starved for live entertainment, We recently took a highly scientific definitive WorldWideInterWebNetzian quiz to determine What Letter Our Soulmate’s Name Starts With. The answer, lest We keep you in suspense for a moment longer, was M. (Before all y’all whose names start with M begin deleting Us from you address books, We should also point out that said quiz informed Us that We were going to meet Our soulmate at a magic show. So there’s that.))


(Is anyone concerned that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t even think “soulmate” is a word? What about Soultrain? (Nope.) What about Alexander Solzhenitsyn? (Oh, THAT it knows. We, of course, had to look up the spelling. (Well, naturally We didn’t know how to spell it; We were already wasting a brain cell remembering his name.)))


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You're still in the right place at the right time to have a good think about your finances. (We are thinking that it is pretty much time to win PowerBall™.)


This is a cycle which only happens twice a year - the next similar cycle will take place in 6 months time. (So it’s a BI-cycle. Not to be confused with a BI-s3xual. Which is a mythical creature not unlike a UNI-corn. Not that We’re TRI-ing to stir up controversy. )


(Vacation time shares in Our mind are going fast.)


Don't use that as an excuse to do nothing though. (Wait…We need an excuse?)


Now is the time (For All Good Men to come to the aid of their Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…namely, Us.)


to work out how confident you feel (We are wearing Depends™ AND a MaxiPad™, and yet We’re pretty sure We just piddled on the carpet.)


about your financial future (There’s a future?)


and to take any steps you need to, (All thirty-nine of ‘em.)


if you're not feeling too good about the way it's all unfolding. (Here’s an idea…if everybody who’s reading this right now sent Us a dollar…We’d have two dollars. Never mind.)


Don't let your ego get in your way. (Leggo my ego. B1tch.)


If you need help, ask. (Yeah. Because THAT works. See also: ContractorBoi.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




Raise your hand, raise your hand if you’re cowgrass.)

Money money money…must be funny… in a rich man’s world.

Greetings, Estonia Retaliates, Invading Chad---


(An exhausted Chad is left weak, but begging for more.)


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, April 10, 2010 (Remember yesterday (who said “No”?) when We said We knew Our menopausal allergies were allergies because the rain which made the pollen go away made them go away? Well, apparently either the pollen came back with a vengeance, or We have the bubonic plague. And there’s nothing quite as nasty as having your bubons plagued. This is truly unfair, as We have way too much to accomplish, and way too short a time in which to accomplish it. We are slightly better this morning, but We suspect that’s only because We are hermetically sealed in OurHouseWhereWeLive, Our condition having been exacerbated yesterday by Our having the audacity to venture forth into the pollen-laden atmosphere. (“Pollen-laden” looks, for some reason, very peculiar to Us. However, We just Googled it on Wikipedia, and 31,900 other people have used it before Us. (Please stand by for an Osama bin Pollen Laden joke, as soon as We think of it.))):


(As if lying at death’s door weren’t (subjunctively) enough torture, We also have today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Subject Line Song Du Pour Au Jus Pas de Deus ex Machina Heeeey…Macarena stuck on an endless loop in Our head(s). We have no idea why this should be so, except for the fact that We did recently play “Mamma Mia” (the song, not the entire movie soundtrack) in conjunction with a rehearsal for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows. (Gee, We sure hope We haven’t caused YOU to get some random ABBA song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. ‘Cause that would make Us sad.))


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Motivation will only arrive via a very sweet, very attractive carrot at the end of a very expensive stick. (Is that a very sweet, very attractive carrot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)


Otherwise, you'll be far more interested in not being late for your nap. (Well. Was that ten of the most boring sentences ever spoken, or was it just Us?)


Stock up on provisions (While attempting to avoid antivisions.)


so you won't have to make that exhausting, endless journey to the grocery store. (Only Our Kelli The @sshat could combine grocery shopping and Sartre.)


Make a wish -- but be sure it's what you really want and what you're really ready for, because it will almost certainly come true. (Yeah. Because that’s what ALWAYS happens with OUR wishes.)


Arguing with you will be impossible. (No, it won’t.)


(Heh. See what We did there?)


Even the most deliberately provocative statements will barely raise your blood pressure. (That is because We are dead.)


It's good to be you, huh? (Lettuce just empty Our nose at you (atCHOO!), and We will show you just HOW good.)


It's not as much as you deserve, but you can certainly expect a bit more in your paycheck soon. (That’d be a pretty good trick, considering We ain’t got a JAWB.)


No fair jumping the gun, though. (Ya hear that, Mother Superior? (That was a little Beatles joke. For Our Beatles fan reader. Although he’s a n@ked skimmer, so he might’ve missed it. So We’re just going to sit here and picture him n@kedly skimming until he acknowledges Us.))


Wait and see. (At the A&P. By Jean-Paul Sartre. Cleanup on Aisle Five. For All Eternity. Hell Is Other Produce Managers. Double Coupons, Triple Ennui, Infinite Weekly Specials.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

please don’t squeeze the cowgrass)