And they called it “puppy love”.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, A Fifth of Beethoven Jack Daniels April, until The Twelfth Of Never, And That’s A Long, Long Time.

Kiss Us quick, We’re Donny Osmond.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Adam, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the wilds of North Carolina.    Where they almost just picked theyselves a state religion.  Because apparently, they are confused as to what country they live in.  So what exactly do you do if your state picks a state religion and it isn’t yours?  “Sorry, Miz Starfish-Browne, but this here is Pennsyltucky…we’re all druids here.  If you want to worship Satan, you’ll need to move to New Jersey.”

Our poor forefathers must be bowling in their graves.

(We have never understood that saying.  Who goes bowling when they get upset?)

Happy Birthday also to Randy, who also turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo.  Where, We are told, they spend a great deal of time on their knees, but it ain’t got much to do with religion.  Also Happy Birthday also to Bill, who also turns twenty-four today in Fair-Brooklyn-The-Pride-Of-The-Thorn-In-The-Side-Of-New-York, New York being where Michael turns twenty-four also today, so also Happy Birthday to him.   And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Marcia Marcia Marcia, who turns twenty-four today in the very suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We are a wee tad verklempt today, as Our murder mystery opens this evening.  Not that We have opening night jitters about the play (and We use that term very loosely, it being, really, just a long-form sketch comedy sketch), but We shall be, for the first time ever, Waiting At Table, and those of you who have met Us know How We Are with anything involving hand-eye coordination, manual dexterity, or being nice to people.  We are just going to trust that all of Our years and years (and years) of being exceedingly kind to waitpersons and bartenders will result in an outpouring of Good Karma for Our poor unprepared Self.

We’ll let you know how that goes.  We have yet to see any of this Good Karma people natter on about, and We have lived A. Long. Time.

It occurs to Us that waiting tables makes Us A Lady In Waiting.  We should get one of those peculiar hats…a fascinator, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…who says it’s all about you?  (You can see how well-suited We are for customer service.))

Speaking of pulling Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls out of the freezer (that was from yesterday’s e-pissode, but We enjoyed it so ,much on re-reading that We thought We’d just leave it there.  You’re welcome.  (And check out yesterday’s e-pissode, while you’re at it: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/04/young-girl-they-call-them-diamond-dogs.html)) ,    here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Okay, seriously, how is Agnetha Faltskog’s birthday not a national holiday?  (Yes, THAT Agnetha Faltskog.)

You have reached a new pinnacle  (Which We have discovered, after exhaustive research, is completely unrelated to a new pinochle.)

— or achieved a goal you thought would take quite a bit longer.  (Apparently, Our failure as A Lady In Waiting looms imminent.  Perhaps We should apply now to be A Lady From Ealing.)

(There once was a lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.)

(With Our coordination issues, however, We would no doubt miss the ceiling.  Sigh.)

Whatever it is, (Yet another antecedentless “it”.  Who proofreads this carp?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

celebrate for a bit, but then make sure that you build on your hard work.  Oh, sure.  We have to do EVERYTHING.)

Someone’s recent dramatic generosity towards you (What’d’We, miss something?)

could be covering up a guilty conscious. (Again with the proofreading.  Jeebus.)

Start asking them what has led them to be so kind and giving to you today (You mean sarcastically, right?)

— the answer they give you might surprise and disappoint you. (Well, as long as there’s disappointment to look forward to.)

Getting to the truth might burst your blissful bubble,  (That’s “Blissful MISTER Bubble™” to you.  Bee-yotch.)

but it’s never a good feeling to be ignorant of the facts.  (But how can you feel bad if you don’t know you’re ignorant?)

You are better off knowing the real deal (To say nothing of the real Deal-A-Meal™.)

(No, really…NOTHING.)

and being able to react based on knowledge rather than hunches. (We like to base all of OUR reactions on hunchbacks.)

 You can indeed handle the truth.  (That’s not what Jack Nicholson told Us.)

Work is likely to keep you occupied this morning, but some romantic noodling is in order this afternoon.  (Da fuq?  Is that like “canoodling”, or is there actual pasta involved?)

Check out online personals or in head out into the real world and watch for that glimmer of recognition.  (Oh, We shall be in the real world.  But (A.) you cannot imagine what We’ll be dressed like, and (2.)  We’ll probably be spilling drinks on people.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend for bringing sexy back

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Thor’s Day, January 31th, 2013.  And just like that, We’re putting a fork in January.  In like a linoleum salesman, out like a lampoon juggler.  (What, you think March is the only month that gets catchy “in like…out like” labels?)   Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the wilds of Pennsyltucky, although We are informed that he will be returning to civilization soon.

Nobody agrees with anything on the InterNetz.  Right?

There…that should keep you distracted from the fact that today’s e-pissode has absolutely no content whatsoever.

So We are told there was weather overnight.  We Our Own Self Personally were nestled with slugs in Our bedz, while viZZZions of Suzanne Sugarbaker danced in Our headz.  We dreamt about being in the chorus of a musical, and learning the bass lines to all the choral parts.  It’s a good thing We were already asleep, and weren’t operating any heavy machinery, because that was one boring-ass snooze-inducing dream.

But We’re not supposed to tell you about Our dreams.  Also, today’s e-pissode is supposed to contain no content whatsoever. Meanwhile, it is apparently Self-Referential Day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!

Which is why you should hurry on over to Our cosmic friend AstroGeek’s little corner of Bloggonia, where today’s e-PISSode is All About Watersports:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/2013/01/jupiter-direct-shower-of-gold.html  Tell him Starzina sent ya.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Not only is it Justin Timberlake’s birthday, it is also Carol Channing’s.  If We weren’t (subjunctively) eschewing (gesundheit (thank you)) content today, We would ask you to imagine THAT particular duet.

Just listen (Sorry…what?)

and all will be explained.  (Is anyone else picturing Justin Timberlake and Carol Channing singing Baby, It’s Cold Outside?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Today brings a test of your patience (Talk about being set up to fail!)

and your ability to handle emotional truths, (You can’t handle the emotional truth!)

(Who let Jack Nicholson in here?)

so make sure that you’re really paying attention. (We are too poor to pay attention.)

Your mate needs you more than ever!  (Our what now?)

You recently put aside wishes and wants admirably, (To say nothing of knishes and…no, really; say NOTHING!)

and a very influential person took notice.  (You would think We would be flattered to have attracted the attention of Gwyneth Paltrow’s enemist.  You would be wrong.)

With your selfishness deterred, (What’s that you say?)

you have opened up your ego  (Also, Our id is flat on its back with its legs in the air.  ‘Cause it ain’t got a vase.)

(You knew to pronounce that as “vahz”, yes?)

to appreciate the respect you are about to be rewarded with.  (Never use a preposition to end a sentence with, Bitch.)

This is the start of an exciting phase of life for you, when you will be exposed to strange but exhilarating new experiences.  (What an extraordinary number of words beginning with E in that sentence!  And yet not even one ellipse.)

Take the hand of someone who reaches out to you today, (Put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the waters…put your fist up the ass of the man who farts Febreeze™…)

(Does anybody else remember that old folk song?  Those grade school nuns were cutting edge…)

and you will get a much firmer grip on your future.   (Heh.  “Grip”.  See what she did there?)

 If you’ve got a crush, try to minimize the trips to fantasyland and concentrate on getting to know this person in a real way.  (Well, We would do that, but there’s the matter of that pesky restraining order.)

Thinking of them as a potential friend first can help you relax and be yourself.  (Well, NO good can possibly come from THAT.  Perhaps We should think of them as a potential dental hygienist.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

She’s comin’ up from behind

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, September Tenf, 2012.Happy birfday to Our granddaughter, Mo’Niques, who turns twenty-four today.  People frequently ask Us such questions as “How is it possible that both you and your granddaughter are twenty-four?”  To which We respond, “Blah-blah-blah time machine, blah-blah-blah credenza, you’re nakedly skimming this crap and that’s the best question you can come up with?  Whatevs.”

The preceding has inspired Us to imagine that perhaps We should add an FAQ section around here.  Perhaps more people would tune in more faithfully if We had a section devoted to Fierce African Queens.

So on Friday and Saturday, We played The Match Game in front of sold-out  houses.  (We just had to check the spaces in that last bit.  Because “sold-out  houses” and “sold-outhouses” are not at all the same thing.)  If We are selling out this early in the run (and We are), it means you need to get your tickets yesterday, if not sooner.  Here is where you can do that:

http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar .

Those of you who are fans of Our Sistah Ovella, aka Bob Mason, will want to mark your calendars that he will be playing Mister Charles Nelson Reilly at this Wednesday’s 7:30 and 9:30 shows.

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:  http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Well, no wonder the sun is shining so brightly this morning…it’s Ryan Phillippe’s birthday as well.  Save Us a frosting rosebud offa THAT birthday cake, wouldja, Hon?

(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because, trust Us, We meant it in the dirtiest way possible.)

                                                                                                    

You are reacting to outside stimulation today (Well, duh.  It’s not like We ever get any inside stimulation.)

— maybe a little too much so, but not so much that you need to worry about the consequences. (But do We need to worry about da troof?  (You can’t handle da troof!  (That was Our Jack Nicholson impression.  If Jack Nicholson were, subjunctively, ya know, black.  Black Jack Nicholson.  (As opposed, of course, to Jack Black Nicholson, which would be Jack Black’s name if he married Jack Nicholson.  Why he would do that when neither of them is gay, We haven’t got any idea, but the whackadoodle wingnuts will tell you that Barack Obama is “forcing” gay marriage on the country, so there ya go.  (We now have a phonetically phunny paragraph containing the words “Jack”, “Black”, and “Barack”, but it is only actually phunny if you mispronounce “Barack”.  Or if you pronounce the other words as “Jock” and “Block”.  We have no idea, however, who the hell Jock Nicholson is.)))

Soon it will be the world’s turn to react to you!  (We can turn the world on with Our smile!  We can take a nothing day, and suddenly make your grandma senile!)

It’s time to roll up your sleeves and dive on into something new. (Ryan Phillippe, here We come!  (Geronimo!))

Your energy is higher than it has been in a long while, and today is a great day to make the most of it. (What, it’s not Monday where you are?)

Whether you choose something as challenging as a new household renovation, or something as sedentary as a thick new bestselling novel, you’ll make a lot of progress today. (Did that strike anyone else as a very peculiar “either-or”?  How out of place was the word “sedentary”?  And what about Naomi?)

(If you knew “and what about Naomi”?  You are very old.  But NOT very, VERY old.)

Even if you don’t get out of the preliminary planning stages, you’ll still be well-positioned for a successful outcome.  (If there were (subjunctively) a coupppple more PPPPPs in that sentence, it would really ppppoppppp.)

Not feeling really great? (Yeah, We’re not feeling so much Catherine the Great as We are Catherine Deneuve.  On the plus side, We won’t be getting fucked by a horse.  (Although Ryan Phillippe…))

Take it easy. (Trust Us, We are as easy as it gets.)

No one said you had to be in tip-top shape all the time.  (No one said a lot of things, but it doesn’t make them any less true.)

Do something low-key this evening, (Ol’ Man Ribber…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

then get plenty of rest and start fresh tomorrow.  (Are you insinuating that We have that Not-So-Fresh feeling?)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.