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Friday, April 5, 2013

And they called it “puppy love”.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, A Fifth of Beethoven Jack Daniels April, until The Twelfth Of Never, And That’s A Long, Long Time.

Kiss Us quick, We’re Donny Osmond.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Adam, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the wilds of North Carolina.    Where they almost just picked theyselves a state religion.  Because apparently, they are confused as to what country they live in.  So what exactly do you do if your state picks a state religion and it isn’t yours?  “Sorry, Miz Starfish-Browne, but this here is Pennsyltucky…we’re all druids here.  If you want to worship Satan, you’ll need to move to New Jersey.”

Our poor forefathers must be bowling in their graves.

(We have never understood that saying.  Who goes bowling when they get upset?)

Happy Birthday also to Randy, who also turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo.  Where, We are told, they spend a great deal of time on their knees, but it ain’t got much to do with religion.  Also Happy Birthday also to Bill, who also turns twenty-four today in Fair-Brooklyn-The-Pride-Of-The-Thorn-In-The-Side-Of-New-York, New York being where Michael turns twenty-four also today, so also Happy Birthday to him.   And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Marcia Marcia Marcia, who turns twenty-four today in the very suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We are a wee tad verklempt today, as Our murder mystery opens this evening.  Not that We have opening night jitters about the play (and We use that term very loosely, it being, really, just a long-form sketch comedy sketch), but We shall be, for the first time ever, Waiting At Table, and those of you who have met Us know How We Are with anything involving hand-eye coordination, manual dexterity, or being nice to people.  We are just going to trust that all of Our years and years (and years) of being exceedingly kind to waitpersons and bartenders will result in an outpouring of Good Karma for Our poor unprepared Self.

We’ll let you know how that goes.  We have yet to see any of this Good Karma people natter on about, and We have lived A. Long. Time.

It occurs to Us that waiting tables makes Us A Lady In Waiting.  We should get one of those peculiar hats…a fascinator, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…who says it’s all about you?  (You can see how well-suited We are for customer service.))

Speaking of pulling Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls out of the freezer (that was from yesterday’s e-pissode, but We enjoyed it so ,much on re-reading that We thought We’d just leave it there.  You’re welcome.  (And check out yesterday’s e-pissode, while you’re at it: ,    here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Okay, seriously, how is Agnetha Faltskog’s birthday not a national holiday?  (Yes, THAT Agnetha Faltskog.)

You have reached a new pinnacle  (Which We have discovered, after exhaustive research, is completely unrelated to a new pinochle.)

— or achieved a goal you thought would take quite a bit longer.  (Apparently, Our failure as A Lady In Waiting looms imminent.  Perhaps We should apply now to be A Lady From Ealing.)

(There once was a lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.)

(With Our coordination issues, however, We would no doubt miss the ceiling.  Sigh.)

Whatever it is, (Yet another antecedentless “it”.  Who proofreads this carp?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

celebrate for a bit, but then make sure that you build on your hard work.  Oh, sure.  We have to do EVERYTHING.)

Someone’s recent dramatic generosity towards you (What’d’We, miss something?)

could be covering up a guilty conscious. (Again with the proofreading.  Jeebus.)

Start asking them what has led them to be so kind and giving to you today (You mean sarcastically, right?)

— the answer they give you might surprise and disappoint you. (Well, as long as there’s disappointment to look forward to.)

Getting to the truth might burst your blissful bubble,  (That’s “Blissful MISTER Bubble™” to you.  Bee-yotch.)

but it’s never a good feeling to be ignorant of the facts.  (But how can you feel bad if you don’t know you’re ignorant?)

You are better off knowing the real deal (To say nothing of the real Deal-A-Meal™.)

(No, really…NOTHING.)

and being able to react based on knowledge rather than hunches. (We like to base all of OUR reactions on hunchbacks.)

 You can indeed handle the truth.  (That’s not what Jack Nicholson told Us.)

Work is likely to keep you occupied this morning, but some romantic noodling is in order this afternoon.  (Da fuq?  Is that like “canoodling”, or is there actual pasta involved?)

Check out online personals or in head out into the real world and watch for that glimmer of recognition.  (Oh, We shall be in the real world.  But (A.) you cannot imagine what We’ll be dressed like, and (2.)  We’ll probably be spilling drinks on people.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.