Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?
Ah, ‘tis a grand morning for singin’, innit? Kiss Us quick, We’re Mick Jagger. (As an aside (parenthetically, that is (hence the parentheses)), We are guessing that “kiss” and “quick” don’t go together in the same sentence with “Mick Jagger”. (Not that We intend to give that prolonged thought. (Where’s the mental floss?)))
Ooops…We got so excited singing The Stones that We forgot to say it’s April 9st, 2013, and Happy Birthday to Derek, who turns twenty-four today. (He won’t get that joke, because he actually DOES. Turn twenty-four, that is. We, meanwhile, are wearing underwear that have already turned twenty-four two or three times. (We really only said that for comic effect. We’re not actually wearing any underwear at the moment.))
YouPeople love it when We Cher, don’t’cha? If Ah could turn back tie-yum…
Wow. Four paragraphs in, and already We’ve had Ben Vereen, Mick Jagger, and Cher. We’ll take Geriatric Entertainers for $500, Alex.
Suck it, Trebek.
So yesterday, We had Our first sketch comedy class at Drexel. It was, regrettably, NOT in the old EAC building, which was acquired by Drexel shortly after Our departure, and has now been renovated and reopened. We were so hoping to see those hellish halls revamped and put to good use after We spent five torturous years wailing and gnashing Our teeth there. But we have made it Our mission to infiltrate same, and We shall report back when We do.
Speaking of Our colorful past, back in the days of the EAC (Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs) , these e-pisstles were just an email that went out to a few hundred of Our nearest and dearest friends. (We only came to Bloggonia in 2010.) But, for any of you with an interest in history (how old does it have to be before it’s archaeology?), you can find published dead-tree versions of the years 2004 through 2007 at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/epsingel You can even download e-versions for a mere pittance. Run, do not walk.
Speaking of Cher and Cher on a bike, here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
Hmm. Hugh Hefner and Jenna Jameson share a birthday. Somehow, that makes sense to Us.
(Our str8 boi readers are now all amazed and agog that we know who Jenna Jameson is. You would be surprised what We know, str8 boi readers. You. Would. Be. Surprised.)
Your ambitions are making life exciting (How many times must We tell you, that word is spelled “ambitchins”.)
— so indulge them to the hilt! (Speaking of porn stars…)
Your great energy (Jigga WUT?)
is perfect for moving forward on your career path, pursuing a romantic target or making great art. (Yeah. Making great art. But, when We’re not doing that, We’re making great dinner theatre. And, more importantly, making money.)
Your friends have never been more ardent (Insert Eve Arden joke here.)
in their devotion to you than they are right now — so it’s time to get together with them and have some fun! (Okay! Let’s all get together and sprinkle random exclamation points throughout this horoscope!)
This is a super day (Thanks for asking.)
to go out and do something that involves a lot of physical movement. (Poop?)
Get everyone together to play ball, go dancing, or even do some bowling! (There’s another damn exclamation point. Meanwhile, We can justr imagine trying to get Our friends together to play ball. We can see them showing up at Our front door now. With commitment papers. And a straightjacket.)
It won’t matter much what you do, (Ain’t that the truth?)
because it’s really all about who you do it with. (Or to. Depending on your perspective.)
You will all enjoy more laughter and more bonding today than you have in a while. (Mmm-hmm. Because nothing’s funnier than bondage.)
A new method for meeting people is extremely auspicious today. (Then let’s wait till tomorrow, when it becomes more aubergine.)
Seek out some activity that gets you all riled up (We can only imagine.)
— maybe a cultural or volunteer event? (Can there be volunteer firemen? Firemen are HAWTT.)
Anyone you meet is sure to love your enthusiasm. (Is that an enthusiasm in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.