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Monday, April 22, 2013

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMaxVonSydowMonday, April 22, 2013.Happy EarthDay BirthDay to Bill, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy EarthDay BirthDay to Robbbbbbbbbbbbbb, who also turns twenty-four today.  (There may be an extra “B” on the end of Robbbbbbbbbbbb’s name there; anyone who knows Us knows that We never know when to stoppppppp.)

Both of today’s twenty-four-turners (not to be confused with Ike and Tina Twenty-Four-Turner) turn twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. This is a far cry from the excitement of yesterday’s e-pisstle, when We had a naked Minnesotan in the house. (Minnesota being, as We pointed out yesterday to Our geographically-challenged readers, where Mary Tyler Moore threw up her hat. (And now, having spent a full twenty-four hours reflecting upon Our naked Minnesotan, One wonders if it isn’t, in fact, a little cold in Minnesota to be naked.  Shrinkage issues, and whatnot.  Perhaps naked Minnesotan experts will weigh in on this.  Hopefully with photographic evidence.))

For those Gentle Readers who think that yesterday’s e-pissode sounds ever-so-much-more interesting than today’s, go here: 

Speaking of blue ballz, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video,

(…you didn’t think We meant “speaking of blue ballz, as you can see above”, meaning you could see some blue ballz up there, did you?  The photographs have not yet arrived…)

and We could not wait to Cher.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays, there is apparently, in Brazil (where the nuts come from (although it’s WARM in Brazil, so the nuts are less likely to be blue (We do so love Our innate ability to develop a running theme))), a soccer player named Kaka.  Today is his birthday.  So Happy Birthday, dear Kaka, Happy Birthday to you.

(Having thus sung to him and immortalized him in an e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, what do you think are the chances that Kaka will send Us a picture of his ballz?)

You face a bigger challenge today (Was that a fat joke?)

— but you can handle it! (Also, We can LOVE-handle it!)

Try not to worry too much about the little details, (Is it just Us, or is “Cold Blue Ballz In Minnesota” an excellent opening to a country-western song?)

(We really should become a country-western singer.  Who else could put the “cunt” in “country” as well as We could?)

as the big picture (KNOCK IT OFF!)

is more of a concern to you and your people.  (Ah, the return of the delusion that We have people.)

Be brave!  (You brave, We squaw.)

(Oh, good lord, an Indian joke!  What’s next, fart jokes?  Indian fart jokes?  (Who said “curry”?))

You can certainly use your charm to get what you want today, (Always after Our fucking charms, they’re spastically deficient.)

(Yes, that was a leprechaun.  At least he didn’t tell a fart joke.)

but wouldn’t you rather go for a more challenging option? (Honey, it is Monday morning.  We are as “challenged” as We intend to get.)

This is a good time to put yourself to the test. (Give him two test tickles.)

Instead of smiling, flirting or even sassing your way through things today,  (Shouldn’t one of those words have been “farting”?  In keeping, ya know, with Our secondary theme?)

get serious and meet people directly. (Screw that noise…what do We have a WorldWideInterWebNetz for?)

(When We finally achieve marriage equality, will We be able to mail order male mail order brides?  From, say, the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team?)

Address the issues straight on (Or gaily forward.)

and people will take you more seriously. (What, you want people should stop reading Us entirely?  “Seriously”, indeed!)

(Apropos of absolutely nothing, on SitOnOurFaceBook, author Christopher Rice just used the phrase “bathtub full of centipedes”.  We may never wash again.)

Your charms are usually a valuable strength, (Please don’t make Us do the leprechaun joke again.)

but today they could give people the idea that you can’t get things through your brains alone.  (Indeed.  We often use Our uvula.)

 You’re about to hit a lucky streak when it comes to your love life.  (Honey, something tells Us that if We go streaking, We’ll have even less of a love life than We have now.  If such a thing is even possible.)

Take full advantage of it by pursuing your heart’s desire. (That sentence is much more fun if you imagine the definition of “pursuing” to be “to hit with One’s purse”.  You’re welcome.)

However, if the scenario is too good to be true, make sure you really scrutinize it.  (Never use a longer word where a shorter one will do.  For example, instead of “utilize”, say “use”.  Instead of “scrutinize”, say “screw”.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.