Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDay FunDay, April 21th, 2013. Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Suzy, who also turns twenty-four today, in, We believe, Virginia. Also also, Happy Belated Birthday to Nima, who turned twenty-four yesterday during a glamorous weekend of shenannigantics in Palm Springs. California. Swimming pools, movie stars. And, presumably, movie stars’ swimming pools. Also also also, Happy Belated Birthday to Nancy, who also also also turned twenty-four yesterday, all the way out in Minnesota. Which, for those of you who are geographically challenged (as We are), is where Mary Tyler Moore threw up her hat.
Nancy is, oddly enough, not the only person We know who lives in Minnesota. She is, however, the only person We know who lives in Minnesota whom We have not seen naked.
Moving right along, We do not, of course, ordinarily e-pisstlize on The Lord’s Day, but, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video, and We could not wait to Cher. Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:
Meanwhile, in another departure from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Standard Practice, We are abandoning Our usual goal of making YouPeople feel better by comparison to inform you that today, We are just a little bit more glamorous than you, as We are breakfasting on chocolate-covered strawberries and cannoli, courtesy of a very kind murder mystery colleague who also works at Isgro’s. Try not to pee green with envy. (Although if you can pee green tea with ennui, We should discuss your possible appearance in Our next video.)
And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:
It is Patti LuPone’s birthday. Isn’t that a gay national holiday?
Meanwhile, We were three quarters of the way through answering Kelli’s horoscope back when Micro$oft Weird™ kicked Us out and lost it all. And We have no intention of trying to recreate it. So here is Kelli’s horoscope, sans Our reply.
Someone is raising a ruckus today — could it be you? Agitation is just part of the scene right now, and you should see if you can find a way to work it to your advantage. Bring peace back in a few days. Your keen intelligence is sharper than ever today, which is why you’ll be drawn to intricate ideas and images. There cannot be too many details for you right now, because you’re eager to sort through things and get to the truth or the key idea behind it all. This is an exceptional day for researching, studying, or making huge headway on a complicated project. Do not worry that you will get overwhelmed or run down by the end of the day. You’ll still have plenty of energy for tonight! Your view of your charms simply doesn’t do you justice. Get out of the past and view how you actually are in the here and now. Do something nice for yourself that reinforces this new realization.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.