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Thursday, April 18, 2013

If I had a hammer… hammertoe… cameltoe…



Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Thor’s Day, April 18, 2013.   Happy Birthday to Marilyn, aka MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Steve, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Jersey Trash, who also also turns twenty-four today.  (We do realize that “Jersey Trash” doesn’t really narrow it down much, but these are difficult times, and, if Our well-wishes get spread around further than intended and brighten up some inappropriate recipient’s day, that’s probably all to the good.  (Sorry, Jersey.))




On the subject of birthday wishes, thanks to everyone who offered Us same yesterday, through all of Our various technology and social media.  Naturally, SitOnOurFaceBook chose the occasion of the twenty-fourth anniversary of Our nativity to do one of its infamous “improvements”, so, while We certainly attempted to “Like” each of Our well-wishes, We do apologize if We were thwarted in recognizing yours.




Now that the occasion has passed, We can tell those of you who were interested in what Our birthday plans were what Our birthday plans were.  We didn’t have any advance plans, but We figgered We’d unearth a dinner companion somewhere.  Unfortunately, We woke up in some state of gastrointestinal indisposition, and any plan of leaving OurHouseWhereWeLive quickly became a moot point.  We were able, by dinner time, to eat a light meal, and We are fine now, but this particular birthday will not be inscribed in any record books.  So that sucks.




Changing the subject entirely, speaking of Thor’s Day, We once actually met a person named Thor.  And, contrary to the way these things usually work, he LOOKED like a person who should be named Thor.  Unfortunately, We never became acquainted with his hammer, so this is a very short story.




We were about to say “apropos of nothing”, but We suddenly sense a theme developing here.  Direct from the WorldWideInterWebNetz, here are Five Signs You Definitely Don’t Have Your Shit Together.  It is safe for work.  Unless you can’t say “shit” at work.  (We Our Own Self Personally got in trouble for saying “shit” at work last weekend.  We were downstairs at the bar, putting in a drink order.  They should hear what We’re saying UPstairs.): 





Meanwhile, on the subject of birthdays:

"There's nothing better than cake, but more cake." 
-Harry S. Truman



Speaking of “Is that Thor’s hammer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?”, here is the link with which you will share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:





Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosy Starfish, for comparison:





And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:




Barbara Hale, of Perry Mason fame, is (A.) turning ninety-one today and (2.) still alive.  Also, Happy Birthday to Eric Roberts, whom We would cheerfully hammer in the morning.  Or hammer in the evening.  All OVER this land.



Your energy levels are pretty volatile today, so make sure that you’re working in bursts.   (Heh.  Kelli made a fart joke.)




Even if you’ve got nothing to do, (Yeah, nothing.  Meanwhile, on Our birthday, in the midst of Our gastrodisaster, We emptied the dishwasher, did two loads of laundry, and some housecleaning.  On the plus size…er, side, one of Our possible birthday plans leading up to The Big Day had been to go to New York to see the matinee of Bette Midler’s new one-woman show, I’ll Eat You Last.  As it turns out, there WAS no matinee of said show, which is a good thing, ‘cause how pissed would we be if We’d had to cancel Our trip?)




you may find yourself cleaning or organizing when the mood strikes. (What if Our mood goes ON strike?  What if it’s a lucky strike?  What if We’re in de 
mood indigo?)




(If We just keep saying everything that comes into Our head, eventually something will be funny.  True fact.)




 Feeling a bit stressed out?  (NO!!!)




(Heh.)




Then try to give away as much of your responsibilities as you can today — that includes errands, chores, and other such tasks.  (In what universe will anybody take those things, even if We give them away for free?)




You have plenty of family members, coworkers and friends who would be happy to take something off your plate (How rude!  Order your own food, bitches!)




and help you get a breather in your day.  (Could We get a HEAVY breather in Our day?)




All they expect in return for helping you out is a sincere ‘thank you,’ (And as soon as you can fake sincerity, you’ve got it made.)




because they know that you would do the same for them in the roles were reversed.   (Wait…there are rolls?  Could We get more rolls here, please?  And some butter, while you’re at it.)




Whether you’re feeling great or down low  (HAH!  Us on the down low…now THAT’D be acting.)




— or maybe swinging back and forth  (When you get to the end of your rope, tie a noose in it and hang on.)




— you need to find the right place for those feelings.  (Didn’t We just sing “Feelings” the other day in here?  And We just got it unstuck from Our head.  Thanks, AssHat.)




That means not gloating to friends or crabbing at customers. (What about bloating to enemies or shrimping at coworkers?  Huh?  WHAT ABOUT THOSE?)



In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.