Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManHoleMonday, April 15, 2013. Happy Birthday to Amanda, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love-Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Doug, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere on the WorldWideInterWebNetz. Because we? Know people out there. Also, The Truth is out there. Or, as they used to say on the MyBus, as a treat for Our long-time Gentle Readers, “Da Troof be out dere, an’ dat’s de troof.”
Speaking of the MyBus, and long-time Gentle Readers, it occurs to Us that some of YouPeople have been reading these e-pisstles since back when they were just e-mails, long about 2001. Our Own Personal first archival records of said e-pisstular e-mails date back to 2003, although many of these can no longer be opened by Our email program. Those of you, like Amanda and Doug, who are only twenty-four may not remember this, but way back then, the WorldWideInterWebNetz were actual NETZ, which were traversed by carrier pigeons who delivered emails in the form of scrolls of parchment tied to their legs. Email at that time was actually referred to as “p-mail”, the “p” standing for “pigeon”, not the occasional “pigeon pee” or “pigeon poop” that invariably wound up on these early WorldWideInterWebNetzian users’ heads.
In terms of records that We can actually access, We have dead-tree versions of the years from 2004 through 2007, which can now also be downloaded for a nominal fee as e-books (for an extra dollar or two, We’re willing to make ‘em p-books for ya) at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/epsingel .
As a special treat for both those of you who have hung in there (especially those who have well-hung in there) all these years, as well as the many newbs, We shall be reproducing one of Our earliest recorded e-pissodes below. Of historic note is the fact that, in this particular e-pissode, We illuminate the origin of Our penchant for twenty-fourth birthday wishes.
But first, another piece of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! history that We thought was lost to the ages. This is actually apropos, as Amanda, who turns twenty-four today, appeared this weekend in a staged reading of Into the Woods, playing the mother of Our dear friend, Justin Bieber (because We never tire of dragging Our Justin Bieber video neck and crop into the conversation, so here it is):
The history that We thought was lost was Our capsule review of a production of said Into the Woods from back in, We believe, 2003. We present to you:
He’s A Very Gay Prince
…Anyway, I saw INTO THE WOODS this weekend, starring The Wymyn From Q...great fun; if you happen to be in Wilmington over the next few weeks, check it out at the Baby Grand. Ladies, please tell Nick (whom John and I both know) great job as well.
I bring this up mainly because I have now had the experience of seeing The Gayest Living Human...this poor child hasn't even graduated high school yet and he is gayer than me in drag, gayer than two snaps up in a circle, gayer than the front row at a McDonna concert, gayer than the love child of Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde, gayer than springtime, gayer than a goose with a three-dollar bill...this boy was G-A-Y, GAY at the top of his lungs with tears in his eyes...he was so gay that people around him turned gay...if you know the show, he was playing Rapunzel's Prince (well, Princess, more like...) and, if you can imagine "Agony" as a sort of love duet, then you can imagine us howling in the aisles...did I mention he was gay???
Ah, memories. Mammaries…light the corners of ma-mind…
Speaking of Liberace’s lingerie, here is the link with which you will share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosy Starfish, for comparison:
And now, step into the WayBack Machine, and enjoy this blast from the past, April 16, 2004:
(Didja miss me? I have the day off from the Evil Acquiring Company (EAC), so I am able to use a computer for its true purpose...to irritate friends and family. You will be happy to hear that, despite my absence, My Astrologer Kelli Fox has continued her blatherings, some of which are below. You will also be happy to hear that, as of Monday, I will have a full year of these horoscopes saved up...look for my forthcoming book, tentatively entitled YES, IT REALLY *IS* THAT BAD, at a Borders near you. And greetings to those of you who are new to Eric's Daily Horoscope...in the past, I was somewhat judicious about who would receive these daily screeds, as I tend to get a little foul-mouthed (I know, I know; quel surprise (That was French, for Ovella, who just received the Golden French Dressing Award, or somesuch, from the University of Delaware for her excellence in French...next week, the Greek Salad Award))...what was I saying? Oh, yeah...because I tend to get a little foul-mouthed, but now I don't give a rat's assz. So read on, if you dare.)
Greetings Eric --
Here is your horoscope for Friday, April 16:
You have one last day to hibernate, (Seven words in, and you're wrong already, Kelli. I can hibernate tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday, too. Today I slept all the way till 9 o'clock. This getting up at 6 AM is a lot of cr@p. Also, it is developing into a disturbing pattern of actually waking up at FIVE AM. Which I could understand if we had just turned the clocks BACK, because then my body would think 5AM WAS 6AM. Clearly, my body doesn't know WHAT to think. As those of you who have seen it lately can attest.)
snuggle and play hide-and-seek under the covers, so take advantage of it. (Oddly enough, when you play hide-and-seek under the covers by yourself, it's really easy to find yourself. Oh, and, speaking of Snuggle(TM), does that bear scare anyone besides me?)
By tomorrow morning, you'll be oh, so ready for some serious recreation. (That depends. Are you saying "WRECKreation" or "RE-creation"? Bee-yotch.)
Your threshold is low. (Fortunately, my humor is lower. What's your point?)
Your machinery is a little too finely tuned for its own good. (Oh, yeah; THAT'S my problem. It's not this loose screw, or this slipped cog. (Heh. "Slipped cog". I slay me.))
Frustration comes easily, (Thank you, O Mistress Of The Obvious.)
and there are few that know how to placate you. (And I could SO use a good placation.)
There's no question that something simmers just beneath the surface. (Is it soup yet?)
The real question is whether this is the best day to confront whatever might boil over. (Yeah, okay, whatever. In other news, this week at the EAC, the CEO "moved on to other opportunities". Mmm-hmmm. *I*, meanwhile, finally won at Spider Solitaire, thereby rendering it useless to me, computer games being not unlike m@sturbation...when you're done, you're done. (Ooops...that was a dirty part, and I didn't warn anybody. I'm a scamp, I am.))
Avoid contact with people who know you too well but who can't leave well enough alone. (Oh, dear lord. What are the chances? I'm off tonight to see friends in some play about lesbi@ns Somewhere In Suburbia (that's where I'm GOING; the title of the play is STOP KISS. Which I STILL say would do better if it were entitled STOP! KISS!, but maybe that's just me. Sunday there is brunch (anybody wanna come?). Tomorrow, unfortunately, I have had about four different plans fall through (yes, some through my own fault, and some because of The Universe. Stupid Universe.), which means I am now on Plan E. Hmmm. That doesn't sound like such a bad plan...)
You'll probably do better in places where nobody is involved with your problems. (I'm thinkin' I'd do better in places where people were solving them for me, but what do I know?)
Detachment gives you a break and helps you put it all in perspective. (Well, it worked for MC Escher. (See what I did there? Oh, come on; SOMEBODY must have gotten it.))
Shy away from early commitments and play the field instead. (That's some sort of sports metaphor, isn't it? As is "stepping up to the plate". No, really. *I* always thought it had something to do with dinner, or taking up a collection, but apparently not. At any rate, speaking of stepping up to the plate (there is ALWAYS a point; sometimes it just takes a while), TCBITWWW really stepped up this week and did something especially nice, thereby proving that, in addition to being TCBITWWW (The Cutest Boy In The Whole Wide World, for newcomers), he is also The Sweetest. That, of course, would complicate his acronym even further, so moving on...for those of you who don't know, I will be turning 24 tomorrow (yes, it's a shameless plug for well-wishes...I'm also gonna find out once and for all who actually READS this cr@p). Because, ya know, someone once told me to pick an age you like and stick with it. I happen to like 24.)
If you see a complication arising in romantic matters, clear the air as quickly as possible. (The only complication of romantic matters is that there aren't any. Now, since you've waded through all of THAT, here are YOUR horoscopes. I especially like Pisces today.)
Friday, April 16, 2004 We all have to die some day, if we live long enough.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.