Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadMenMonday, April 29, 2013. Happy Birthday to Steph, who turns twenty-four today. Also, Happy Birthday to Trish, who also turns twenty-four today. Also also, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Jim, who also also turns twenty-four today. In MaryLand. And, since We just the other day re-did Our previous geographical dissertation on MaryLand, We reproduce it here again for your edification and literary enjoyment:
(Being the sort of full-service Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! that We pride Ourself on being, We rooted through the archives a la a pig rooting for truffles and found Our prior discourse on MaryLand so YouPeople didn’t have to. Here it is, and you’re welcome:
Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit? Why not HenriettaMariaLand?” She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.)
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Israel, who turned twenty-four this past weekend. And also again to Dena, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, and who, if We recall correctly, occasioned the preceding MaryLandese excavation from the archives.
As if it weren’t (subjunctively) already a bad enough rainy Monday morning, there is a jackhammer outside Our front door of OurHouseWhereWeLive, which is, unfortunately, fulfilling its natural function by jackhammering (which Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe is not an actual verb, but Micro$oft Weird™ is not in OurHouseWhereWeLive, so shut the fuck up, Micro$oft Weird™; We know jackhammering when We hear it. Incessantly. All morning long. ).
Now, if Our life were (subjunctively) a fillum, We would peer out Our living room window (a la Gladys Kravitz) and see a jackhammerer named Jack Hammer, who would look like, say, Zac Efron, and whose shirtless flexed torso would be glistening with sweat and rain.
Do We even need to tell you that that is not the case?
In other news, We dreamt last night that We consulted a dating service. The gentleman in charge was someone We know, although We could not, upon awakening, recall who. However, he wrote his notes about Our requirements and things We told him about Ourself in a VERY peculiar place, which We cannot imagine how he intended to access once We Our Own Self Personally had physically left his office.
Prior to any date being arranged (because, apparently, We can’t even have a date in Our dreams), We were given homework, which consisted of four bottles of beer which We were to taste, compare, and contrast. Three of them were craft/microbrewery beers whose names escape Us, and the fourth was a Coors Light™. Presumably, they were the Beers Of Choice of four potentially date-able gentlemen. The peculiar thing is that We can recall exactly what they all tasted like! So it would seem that, in addition to dreaming in color (the notes the guy wrote in A Very Peculiar Place were in red ink), We also dream in taste!
We apologize for Our departure from Our stated mission of making YouPeople feel better by comparison. Every so often, We’re just way more fascinating than all y’all.
Speaking of Zac Efron’s jackhammer, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video. Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:
And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:
It is Uma Thurman’s birthday, and, with the frequency with which We take her name in vain in these e-pisstles, the least We can do (no, really, the very least) is wish her a Happy Leslie Jordan’s Birthday.
You need to snap into action today (Also, Snap-On™ Tools.)
— things are looking pretty weird, (You don’t know the half of it. (You should see Our red ink.))
but that just means that you’re ready to move! (Oh, We are a Mover and a Shaker! (Although it does occur to Us suddenly that We have no idea what differentiates a Shaker from a Quaker. (Maybe it’s the oats?)))
(Vacation shares in what passes for Our mind are still available between now and Memorial Day.)
As long as you’re active, (And We are. On a cellular level, at any rate.)
you should be able to overcome most obstacles. (Of course.)
(That right there was a little existential humor. It’s called “existential humor” because it’s, ya know, not funny.)
Your email correspondence has been getting very interesting, lately — (Indeed. We are practically ENGAGED to this Nigerian prince.)
could there be a new career or business opportunity coming soon? (Insert “Opportunity’s knockers” joke here.)
Keep up the virtual chit chat, (There desperately wants to be a joke here involving the words “shit shat”, but We just cannot make it appear.)
and fire back some witty emails today to some people who have connections in the places you want to be. (One can only be but so witty with Nigerian princes before they have One beheaded.)
Start thinking more specifically about your future plans, too. (Is it just Us, or is “future plans” redundant? Do people actually waste time planning the past?)
Sure, you want the corner office, (Um, no.)
but what should your view look like? (We’re pretty sure We said this earlier: Zac Efron with no shirt on.)
Picture your success and you’ll get one step closer to it. (Is this more of that “viZZZualizing” crap? Because that really pisses the fuck out of Us.)
Love takes off when you go for a change of pace. (We can’t even get a date…where’d this “love” come from all of a sudden?)
Small quality of life items make huge differences: Go to a farmer’s market instead of a fast food joint. (So Old MacDonald’s instead of MacDonalds? (That wasn’t the least bit funny, but it did come to Us right in the moment. So there’s that.))
You could meet someone great over the radicchio. (We are guessing that “over the radicchio” is a euphemism, but We have no idea for what. (Meanwhile, in case you were concerned that We were just not gay enough, We are now imagining Judy Garland singing “Somewhere Over the Radicchio”. You’re welcome.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.