So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SadderButWiserGirlDay, July 28, 2012.  We just dropped by for A Very Special Weekend E-Pissode Of Blossom…Er, Of Erix Daily Horoscope, partly to make up for some of the crappy e-pissodes We produced this week, and partly because We are well aware that all of Bloggonia is wondering if We watched the Olympics Opening Night…and We are here to tell you…

…We will watch the Olympics when they have Prince William and Prince Harry Jell-O™ wrestling in edible Speedos™.

Now that We’ve sent Princess Diana a-spinning in her grave, on to actual matters of importance.

As you are probably aware, some of the income that keeps OurHouseWhereWeLive running like the well-oiled crackhouse that it is comes from WorldWideInterWebNetzian opinion surveys.  (Because if anyone has an opinion, We do.)  Earlier this very morning, in fact, We were Opining For Dollars in a survey on the subject of nuts (We are NOT making this up), in which We were asked to indicate how much We agreed or disagreed with such statements as “I like telling my friends and family about new nuts that I try” and “I pride myself on knowing a lot about nuts.”

Sometimes the jokes, they write themselves.

In other news, We had one of Our epic dreams last night, with about sixteen different subplots.  In the course of said dream, We had not one but TWO full-blown (heh) affairs, which were, as you might imagine, equally complexicated, one by the fact that Our partner kept having to go to work, and the second by the fact that Our partner seemed to be married. (The first partner was one of those idealized Dream People, but the second partner was an actual person from Real Life.  Who is in fact married.  And whom We have, in fact, had The Sex with.  (BEFORE he was married.  We are well aware that one of The Ten Commandos is “Thou shalt not commit adulthood.”))

We mention this mainly because, although We have not seen this person in years, when We got up this morning, We had a message from him on SitOnOurFaceBook.

The thought plickens.

Also appearing in The Movie In Our Mind was The Sainted Mother, who was clearly being played by an entirely different actress, as she uttered the immortal line, “Bring me another Ambien™!  And keep one for yourself!”

(We don’t make this shit up, folks.)

In other other news, it goes without saying that We are your favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist).  Which is, presumably, why no one ever says it.  And We would happily put Our thumb on Uranus until We all know exactly where We are.  But we cannot always be everywhere at once.  (Indeed, of late, there are times when We can’t be ANYwhere at once.) And for those times, you will want to put Our dear friend and colleague AstroGeek on speed dial.  Or at least on speed.  (Wouldn’t crack dial be faster than speed dial?  Is puzzlement.)  Here you will find a description of the types of consultations and services he offers:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/p/consults.html

Aaaaaaaannnndddd….

Here’s the HorrorScope:

And once again, too late, We have learned that no one is reading this, because you’re all out shopping for Sally Struthers’s birthday.

You’ve got a lot to think about  (And you’ve just given Us one more thing.  Thanks.)

— but much of it is actually flying underneath the radar of your consciousness. (That’s just a high-falutin’ way of saying We’re an idiot, innit?)

Just let your inner self twist itself into knots, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Chubby Checker’s proctologist.)

and things should settle down soon.  (We shall wait with bated breath.  (And baited hookers. (and baby’s breathalyzers.)))

(Schtick around for da jokes.)

Things might feel light and airy at first, today, but by the mid-afternoon you should be able to sense some heavy business going on just beneath the surface.  (That all sounds very poetical, until you realize she’s talking about Our gastrointestinal system.)

This subliminal weight doesn’t have to slow you down, however. (If only Our weight were (subjunctively) subliminal…)

Keep your bright outlook and don’t join in on anyone’s pity party. (Wait…there’s a party?)

 Let them live under a cloud if they choose to, today. (Again, gastrointestinal system…)

You can step away for a while and focus on going where it is that you want to go. (You’re the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…shouldn’t you KNOW where We should go?)

You’ll just need to be prepared to go there by yourself.  (No doubt with a broom up Our ass, so We can sweep the floor on Our way.)

Life isn’t a road race, (Nor is it Amazing.)

but if you had to qualify, you’d be in the top ten. (Yippee.  We ran a race and came in tenth…what is that, the Gum Wrapper Medal?)

When it comes to achieving those short-term goals, you’re moving at warp speed. (Actually, We’re moving at Time Warp Speed.  (It’s just a jump to the left…))

But pay a little more attention to the personal touches. (Especially the BAD personal touches.  (Now show Us on Arlene Dahl where Antonio Banderas touched you.))

(No, We have no idea.)

Don’t neglect those who never neglect you.  (Oh, see, now.  If ever there were a time when We wished We knew how to needlepoint…)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Like a black fly in your Chardonnay

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 16, 2011.  Happy belated Friday the 13^th to Juan Anne Doll.  As those of you who were not nakedly skimming no doubt noticed (There are three “no”s so far in this sentence…are triple negatives grammatically correct? (In the age of digital photography, does anyone even know what a negative is?)  Of COURSE they are; this is OUR life; the negatives just keep on piling on.), there was a little glitch in Bloggonia on Thursday/Friday, and Google’s blogspot went down like a cheap whore for umpteen and eleventy-twelve hours.  It has since recovered, and had damn well better stay that way, as We have an announcement forthcoming on Friday that will change the face of Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) for Good Anne Doll Jane Goodall Morris Udall Joan Blondell Arlene Dahl.

(“Umpteen” = “a word”.  “Eleventy” = “not a word”.  “Went down like a cheap whore” = “a colorful simile of staggering brilliance”.  As you were.)

Our announcement will be just in time, coming as it does on Rapture Eve.  One day later, and people would be too busy ascending directly into Heaven to pay any attention to Little Old Us.  (As a public service, We shall at this juncture point out that there are only five more shopping days till The Rapture.  We Our Own Self Personally have, of course, finished Our Rapture shopping and wrapped all of Our Rapture presents, which We will put under the Rapture tree as soon as We finish trimming it later today. (Meanwhile, when all these religious whackadoodle wingnuts are still here come Sunday, meaning they haven’t Raptured any damn where, can they please shut their stupid ignorant moronic mouths and stop trying to run the gummint?  KThxBye.))

Here at Casa de CrackWhore, We are just a leetle cranky this morning.  (Jimmy smokes crack, and I don’t care… (Who said that?)) Partially We are under the weather (which, as you will have noticed, is total pants), and partially We are annoyed as We have a somewhat Sisyphean task to perform.  (Actually, We are misusing Sisyphus here….Sisyphus knew how to do his task; he just kept having to do it over and over.  We have no idea how to do Ours, but, if We get it done, which We don’t know how to do, We’ll only have to do it once, but We don’t know how, so chances of it happening are Virginia Slims Nuns.  We are not, however, editing Sisyphean out, because using words like “Sisyphus” and “Sisyphean” might delude some of you into thinking We are smart, unless you also happened to notice “Virginia Slims Nuns”, in which case you will be drawing up commitment papers.).

We could continue to wax poetical, or We could start the HorrorScope, so We can finish and get started with The Task We Know Not How To Do.  Alternatively, We could wax the carrot somewhere in between.  Whatevs.

It occurs to Us that We have been remiss in mentioning Himself’s endeavors (or, indeed, come to think of it, Himself), so We should point out that, following their critically acclaimed sold-out performance at Helium Comedy Club in March, the WaitStaff Sketch Comedy Strormtroopers will triumphantly return to same on June 1th, and would love to see you there.  Further info can be found here:  http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=216397555056276  Tickets here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/471

Perhaps if Himself would get his lazy ass out of bed, he could help Us with The Task We Know Not How To Do.  However, We are fairly sure that he is even more clueless than We are.

The HorrorScope:

You’re stuck in an uncomfortable situation — watch out for reality show cameras! (Oh, please.  Reality television would be a step up around here.  C’mon over, We’ll eat a bug.)

It may end up being hilarious or just stupid, (Those two are not mutually exclusive, ya know.  We are living proof. (Also, We are wearing a Living Girdle™. (Well, We aren’t really, but We should be.)))

but at least you can take solace in the fact that it’s over quickly.  (Or, you could take Colace™ and poop like a champion.)

 All the shopping and adventure-seeking you’ve been up to lately has sure been fun, but it has also done quite a job on your budget. (Do people who keep budgies have a budgie budget?  Do people who wear wedgies have wedgie widgets?  And what if those same people are midgets?)

(It’s a cry for help, people.)

(Since obviously no one is going to help Us, We are left to contemplate why Micro$oft Weird™ grants wordhood to “wedgies” but not “wedgie”.  People who only have one leg enjoy stylish footwear too.)

(Is anyone else now picturing a one-legged person wearing a wedgie?  Is the person you are picturing engaged in a three-legged race, or is that just Us?)

(Meanwhile, why does Micro$oft Weird™ not grant wordhood to “wordhood”?)

 The rainy-day fund isn’t getting any bigger on its own (Wait…We’re expected to PAY for this weather?!?)

… it might be time to face the fact that you need to tighten your belt (Not bloody likely.  Muumuus don’t HAVE belts.)

and kiss some of those fancy espresso drinks goodbye — for a little while. (Does anyone have any idea what the hell she’s nattering on about?)

A small sacrifice here and there will make a big difference over time. (Fine.  Bring Us a virgin. Or a goat.  Or a virgin goat.  (Not YOU, GoatFucker.))

Do yourself a favor by setting a savings goal — and sticking to it!  (What exactly are We supposed to be saving?  The two nickels We don’t have to rub together?  The Chuck-E-Cheez token and the Canadian dollar We found in the gutter last month?  S&H Green Stamps?)

(All of Our under-24 readers just collectively said, “What the fuck are S&H Green Stamps?”  Sigh.  Aren’t they cute?)

 Find a quiet space to ask yourself what’s really underlying your choices lately. (What, there’s a problem suddenly with “eeny, meeny, miney, moe”? (Other than what exactly We are catching by its toe these days?))

Did you turn down that last date request just because you were nervous? (Wait…someone asked Us on a date?  Where are Our hearing aids when We need them?)

Be as honest as you can, and you should make good decisions. (Alternatively, lie like a cheap rug, and you can TELL everybody you made good decisions.)

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.