Hopelessly demoted to Pooh

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  September TwennySixst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Scott, who also turns twenty-four today, also in The city That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Additionally, Happy Birthday to Noah, who additionally turns twenty-four today.  Somewhere in MaryLand.  Mount Airy, MaryLand, to be specific.  We’ve never been all that taken with the Mount Airy that’s in Our very Own backyard, so We fail to see why anybody needs another one.  Although We will admit that “Mount Airy, MaryLand” sounds  positively lyrical, especially if you pronounce the “Mary” as “Mary”, i.e. “Mary Land”, instead of as the past tense of “Marilyn”, i.e. “Marilyned”.  (Hi, Marilyn!)

Furthermore,  Happy Birthday also too to Charly, who also too turns twenty-four today.  In Tennessee.  Where they COULD have a cool “Spell-Our-State’s-Name” song like Mississippi (“Em-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-Pee-Pee-Eye”), if they only had a pee-pee.

(Unbeknownst to many, “If I Only Had A Pee-Pee” was the fourth verse of the “If I Only Had A Brain/Heart/Etc.” song from The Wizard of Oz. It was cut during rehearsals, when Billie Burke refused to wear the associated costume.)

(True fact.)

Meanwhile, prior to performing in Our sold-out show at the Murder Mystery factory tonight, We are off to do A Nice Thing.  Thereby elongating what was already going to be a really looong day into AAAAAaaaa Reeeaaaalllyyyy Loooooong Daaaay, and gaining Us naught but mayhaps another star on Our crown in Heaven. 

(This would be why We are teetering on the verge of doing The Stupid Thing mentioned in yesterday’s e-pissode.  Which see, because We cannot be arsed repeating:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/09/the-hills-are-alive.html )

Also, dear SitOnOurFaceBook:  We have, at last count, 995 “friends”.  Many of whom We have never actually met.  So We can pretty much guarantee you that “People We May Know” do NOT include those with whom We share only one or two “mutual friends.  Your stupidz are showing. KThxBye.

In other other other news, leapin’ lemurs, it’s Libra!  And not a moment too soon…Virgo was truly wearing Us right the hell out. Is it just Us, or does Uranus always feel out-of-sorts for you during Virgo too?  Also, for the entire month of Virgo, it always feels as though someone is snooping through Our underwear drawer.  And telling people what they find there.  And NOT in a good way.

At any rate, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

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In random news from the WorldWideInterWebNetz:

English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.‏

Also:

Condom = “cumbrella”

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

It is Olivia Newton-John’s birthday, more than sufficient reason to take the rest of the day off.

And now, as Our day is getting away from Us, and since those drops of the milk of human kindness are still a few days away, and because Our day is getting away from Us, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia doesn't want to interrupt your labors but this might be a good time to think about the spiritual aspect of things: the Oneness, the Great Other, the Timeless, the Unseen. A moment of open-ended reflection in the day, every day, will suffice, and you will be suffused with widened perspective and refreshment. On a personal note, every morning Madame Olivia enjoys doing one yoga pose and brain-singing a line from a song: Who knows One?/ I know One/ One Spirit,/Of heaven and earth. It opens up the day ahead.

Little Aries, even in the best-regulated lives Eros can wreak a bit of havoc. Eros is the life force and we must have her, warts, stinger, and all. Do not be surprised by a sudden change in your ocean of love in the near future, be it a gentle wavelet or a tsunami. It is life exerting its force and for sure your boat will be lifted. Sit tight and ride it out. Everything will calm down.

Portentous color for you now: any purple

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

And Jupiter aligns with Mars

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, August 7^rd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to Ariel, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Left Coast.    And, to the rest of you, Happy Hump Day and  Happy Shark Week.  And to you multi-taskers, Happy Hump A Shark Week.

You will have to forgive Our lack of coherence; We have, for some reason, been awake since the veritable crack of ass this morning.  We are chock full of ideas for the script for Our Fringe show, but We lack the motor skills to type them.  Also, We have no beginning or ending, so We are going to start writing in the middle, and it is unclear to Us how We will know when to stop.

We are talking, of course, about  Our upcoming Fringe Festival show, LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:   

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb  

Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!

(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)

Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.

And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

In other news, from OurShaunAcrossThePond, this just in on The Royal We:  http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/royal-we?utm_source=GG20130806&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=grammargirl

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays, someone called Sidney Crosby was born today.  He is a Pittsburgh Penguin.  We are not entirely sure what that means (Blair?), but We suspect it is sports-related, and Young Mister Crosby looks like an excellent reason to be an athletic supporter.  In much gayer news, if she were (subjunctively) still alive, Billie Burke (Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz ) would be a hundred and twenty-nine today.

In an effort to get to steppin’, here is a reading from Madame Olivia in lieu of an annoyance from Kelli the AssHat:

Greetings Eric ~

Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.

Madame Olivia wonders what you do when you find yourself in a down mood. It can be helpful to think about acknowledging the ways in which you enjoy good fortune. Madame Olivia cannot bear clichés like "Count your blessings," yet there is such a germ of great truth there: seriously, what are you grateful for? It's amazing how this can shift your perspective into something more contented.

As the first sun sign to leap into the zodiacal year, little Aries, Madame Olivia has long thought of you as the engine pulling the other 11 cars behind you. Luckily you have the requisite energy to do this but please remember to care for your wonderful machine. This includes rest and even more importantly, trying not to overcommit. As always, step one is to simply watch yourself without judging as you find yourself saying yes. This will lead to future mindfulness and perhaps moderation (not one of Madame Olivia's favorite words but still important for you).

Be on the watch for a particular feline

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

You’re out of the woods, you’re out of the dark, you’re out of the night

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Tuesday Weld (And What Would Possess Anyone To Name A  Child “Tuesday” Anyway? (Although It Certainly Beats “Mitochondria”, “Pneumonia”, Or “Saliva”)), August 7rd, 2012.

It occurs to Us that We never told you that We actually got that student film gig that We didn’t think We had gotten. We shall be shooting for the next two weekends.  Early in the morning, and out of doors, so expect Our complaining to commence apace.  We shall be playing a Confederate colonel…or sergeant…or major…We never were able to sort out what army rank means what. Of course, We know what privates are.  And We know that four queens beat a straight (although it seems mean to gang up on him).  But lieutenants and that lot leave Us baffled.  Although We are positive that it means We shall be dressed inappropriately for the weather.

In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/ and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here: 

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/265032

 The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows.  For example, on the 19^th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.

And now, as a reward for having sat through that paragraph, here is a picture of Prince Harry on a motorcycle:

In still other news, We read on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning that scientists are considering launching a smartphone into space.  Big fucking deal.  We contemplate launching Our smartphone into space on an hourly basis.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Today is Billie Burke’s birthday.  You know, Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz. If she were not (subjunctively) dead as a doornail (whatever a doornail may be, and whyever it is presumably deader than any other sort of nail), she would be one hundred and twenty-eight years old.  And Dorothy should still punch her right in her damn mouth:  “Bitch, please!  All this crap I went through, and NOW you tell me I always had the power to go home?”

Is anyone else taken aback that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “whyever” is a word?  Whyever not, We should like to know.

Today is an active day (So We should put in a tampon AND wear a Maxi-Pad™?)

(We have no idea where that came from.)

 — and you’ve got the right kind of energy to really make it special!  (Is that special like the K, or special like they tell the ‘tards they are?  Because if it’s the latter, you have to say it differently.)

Things are going your way, (Things wouldn’t be going Our way if Bing Crosby rose from the dead and sang Us a song about it.  (Oh, good.  A Bing Crosby joke.  We are now officially older than Billie Burke’s corpse.))

(Anybody who actually GOT the Bing Crosby joke, stop by later for an Ensure™.)

and you can barrel right over anyone who thinks they can impede your progress.  (Isn’t that pretty much everyone?)

 Do you have a ‘life list’? (No, but We have a ‘death list’, if We could only figger out how to get away with it.)

You know, a list of all the things you want to do at some point during your time here on earth?  (Yes, We know what a life list is.  It’s like a bucket list.  Which is totally different from the fuckit bucket, which is where you put things that you don’t want on your life list.)

Today, sit down and either get a life list started, (Does this mean that “start life list” should be the first thing on Our life list?  We’re so confused…)

or review your progress on your existing list. (Well, We’ll soon be checking off “die of heat prostration in student film for no money”…howzzat?)

Have you gone skydiving yet? (Why would anyone jump out of an airplane before it got where it’s going?)

Check in with your ambitions. (We’ve told you this before: that’s “amBITCHions”.)

Where do you want to explore? (Johnny Depp’s underwear.)

 The first step toward making it happen is thinking about making it happen. (Oh, shut up with that viZZZualization horseshit.  We have been viZZZualizing what We shall do when We win PowerBall™ for years now, but does it ever happen?  No, it does not.)

 Use your imagination.  (Why don’t YOU use YOUR imagination, and IMAGINE that We’re using Our imagination?  According to your stupid viZZZualization idea, that should amount to the same thing.)

Not only are there fifty ways to leave your lover, there are fifty ways to find a new one too. (Mmm-hmm.  And THAT’S working out for Us, too.)

The stars give you a fresh burst of energy to get your romantic life zooming along. (See “shit through a goose” discussion here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/07/goosesteps-new-step.html (We are far too old to waste time repeating Ourself.))

                               

 Now it’s up to you to take the initiative.  (We shall take whatever We can get.)

 

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.