Which is how I saved Roosevelt

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling),  November Sixst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Monica , who turns twenty-four today in O Hai, Ohio.

Happy Birthday also to Peter, who also turns twenty-four today in Delawhere.

Far-away birthdays mean We don’t get any cake.

In other news, maybe it’s just Us, but NO ONE at Our Target looks anything remotely like #alexfromtarget  . Not the employees, not the customers, not the homeless people who live out front.  (On the other hand, We can WALK to Target from OurHouseWhereWeLive. You are jealous of Us, we know.  Jell-USSSS.)

In completely unrelated news, here’s a little ditty by Stephen Sondheim, sung by Jeremy Jordan.  It is completely safe for the workplace, assuming, of course, that bursting into tears is acceptable in your workplace.  (But then, it’s a workplace…how could bursting into tears NOT be acceptable?) 

This video is actually an example of an extremely rare genre entitled “Heterosexual Men Doing Musical Theatre”. We’re going to send it out to all the heterosexual men We know who do musical theatre.  Both of whom are very nice.  (You know who you are.)

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: the WorldWideInterWebNetz’s only official source for “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  (If you have no idea what We’re talking about (lord knows, We don’t), please see here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html 

and/or here:

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/im-muscle-fa-an.html )

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, it is John Philip Sousa’s birthday.  And it’s not even March.

(Heh…see what We did there?)

Also, it is someone called Xabiani Ponce de Leon’s twenty-first birthday.  If you are called “Xabiani Ponce de Leon”, you pretty much HAVE to end up famous.  Either that, or they find your decaying corpse stuffed into your gym locker on the last day of school. (Based on pictures of Mister Xabiani Ponce de Leon, “famous” was a much better option.)

Meanwhile, were it (subjunctively) not for Xaviera Hollander (The Happy Hooker), Xabiani Ponce de Leon would be Our first indexed celebrity over there to the right whose name begins with X.  (We Our Own Self Personally cannot imagine how Xavier Cugat (Charo’s husband) wasn’t there until We just mentioned him now.)

Aries

Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.

Taurus

Your quest to become the World's Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you'd be a really great parent.

Gemini

Your old solution isn't going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.

Cancer

You've often said you'd like a word with whoever is responsible for all the bullshit, leaving you conflicted when you're promoted to manager of all the bullshit.

Leo

It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.

Virgo

You'll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you'll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.

Libra

Although you'll admit you enjoy the new Doctor Who, you resent being referred to as "the kind of person who likes the new Doctor Who."

Scorpio

The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you'll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up with in a Lifetime.

Sagittarius

Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.

Capricorn

This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn't signed that pesky form saying you wouldn't have any.

Aquarius

You'll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that "lying down on top of things" has actually become a fad.

Pisces

You'll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

The roof the roof the roof is on fire

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToothDay, June 5, 2012.  Happy Diamond Jubilee Holiday to Our readers in the UK.  Having dealt with The Queen’s propensity for celebrating HerSelf yesterday, We shall move on to say simply that We find “jubilee” to be a lovely word, which sounds like exactly what it means.  Of course, in its adjectival form, it can also mean “flambé”, as in “cherries jubilee”, and We think it would be a much more wacky, zany, madcap holiday if The Queen were (subjunctively) set on fire.  Why, just the mental pixture of all those guys from the Beefeater™ gin bottle chasing her into the Thames is cheering up Our ToothDay morning immeasurably.  Now THAT’S a parade!

In other news, the people at The Scooter Store would like Us to know that they “can get Us rolling again”.  And somehow this information eluded Our spam folder.  Seriously?  Also, explain to Us how “as seen on TV” is some sort of selling point?

Today, of course, is Transit Of Venus Day, in which Venus moves across the sun for the first of only two times in this century.  This will be the only time in Our lifetime that We will be able to witness said transit.  Especially now that We apparently need a Scooter™ and all.  As We mentioned yesterday, this asstromalogical event is being commemorated in Ye Historick Olde Philadelphia by a clown show entitled The Astronomer Collapses, which depicts the 1769 fainting spell that prevented astronomer David Rittenhouse from observing said Venutian Transit.  When did We, of all people, suddenly become a clown show aficionado, you ask?  We did not.  However, Justin Bieber from Starzina’s Time of the Month Horosocpe: Pisces video  (which see: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4    ) was in it, along with another young gentleman with whom he alternated playing David Rittenhouse.  And, while the garb may be colonial, the breeches are very fetchingly tailored, so there’s that.

(As you may have guessed, We are copying and pasting much of this information from yesterday’s e-pisstle.  However, We have been asked, by Inquiring Minds Who Want To Know, to clarify just exactly what We mean by “fetchingly tailored breeches”.  There was a dime in the pocket of said breeches.  Not only could We tell if it was heads or tails (it was heads (heh)), We could tell what year it was minted.  And We could see Roosevelt’s mole.)

Oh, dear…is he reading this?  We may blush.  Well, We promised We’d plug him…if you would like to see this 15-minute show for the low, low price of free, it is happening today, beginning at noon and at 5PM, four times in succession each.  It is in Thomas Jefferson Park, which you enter on the east side of 5^th Street, just south of Chestnut (the park is just south of the park that contains The Signer statue, across 5^th Street from the American Philosophical Society Museum).  Tell ‘em Starzina sent you.

(How many of you missed the entire last paragraph because you were digging through your change to find a dime so that you could look for Roosevelt’s mole?)

Speaking of plugging, obviously We shall also have to plug Ourself (isn’t that always the way?  (something else, no doubt, that The Queen has in her purse)),  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  And We expect an enormous turnout in honor of the passing of the late, great Richard Dawson. Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

But, more important than anything We have said thusfar, today is Marky Mark’s birthday!  So put on your Calvin Kleins and come over and jump out of Our cake!

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

You need to explore your world — your fierce, fiery energy demands it! (The Queen The Queen The Queen is on fire!  We don’t need no water; let the motherfucker burn…burn, motherfucker, burn!)

(Did somebody think We wouldn’t know that song? We’re not in that damn Scooter™ YET, bitches!)

See if you can push yourself out into new places (It’s a Scooter™, not a wheelchair.  Whore.)

and make new discoveries. (How many of YouPeople are still looking for Roosevelt’s mole?  Didja know if you say “gullible” three times fast, it sounds just like “orange”?)

A romantic partner may cross paths with you.  (We shall bate Our breath and wait.  Or weight Our breath and bait.  Now We’re confused…dammit.)

Someone from a different culture is piquing your curiosity right now, (Fucking foreigners.)

and you’ve got the time you need to explore their world little bit today. (Honey, it’s OUR world….We just graciously allow them to live in it.)

Taste the food of their culture, listen to the music, and visit a few websites to learn a little more about this culture’s history — you will find that there are some interesting facts that you never knew before.  (That sounds an awful lot like work…can’t We just look at pictures of Marky Mark in his underwear?)

Becoming aware of how different people live their lives will help you feel more content in how you live yours.  (And here We are, making all y’all feel better by comparison.  We just give and give and give….)

Balance the extremes. (Not to mention the Supremes.)

If you’re going to stay up to ungodly hours doing the unmentionable things only singles do, (What are the chances?)

make sure you’re prepared in the morning. (Just call Us angel of the morning…angel.)

Keep your briefcase, keys, purse and so on in a central location (Once again, Our purse has gone missing.  Also, We’ve mislaid Our so on.)

— easily accessible when you’re running late. (Honey, We ain’t running; We’ve got a Scooter™.)

(Also, if you can’t see Roosevelt’s mole, you’re probably looking at the wrong cheek.  (Didja know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

So sweet and soft and gentle, my favorite Oriental

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Whiskey, August 4, 2011.  Happy birthday to Monica, who turns twenty-four today.  And We do hope and pray that Our absence yesterday did not cause any of you to fail to celebrate National Grab Some Nuts Day, which was yesterday, and We wish you a Happy Belated One, and hope all your nuts were well and truly grabbed.  (We just report ‘em, folks, We don’t make ‘em up. (If you don’t believe Us, Google “National Grab Some Nuts Day” on Wikipedia and see.))  And, though it pales by comparison, Happy Hump Day, or, perhaps, this week, Happy Grab Some MORE Nuts Day.

(Speaking of senility, which We actually do later, but We just came back here because it was the most convenient spot and We can time travel like that, because We have a time machine, which is in the credenza, which, as luck would have it, is in the time machine, it just occurred to Us that it is not Whiskey at all but Thirsty, and thus, Our Hump Day wishes are belated as well, and National Grab Some Nuts Day and Hump Day were actually the same day.  However, We refuse to let rectumtude interfere with the brilliance that was the preceding paragraph, so We’re letting it stand.)

Suddenly, We cannot remember the word for “fear of heights”.  Senility is not for pussies.  We know that “agoraphobia” is fear of going outside, and “angoraphobia” is fear of going outside wearing a sweater, and “claustrophobia” is fear of clusterfucks.  We know that “phobophobia” is fear of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and fear itself, and “aibohphobia” is fear of palindromes, and We just made up “onomatopoeiaphobia”, which is fear of spelling bees, But damned if We can remember what fear of heights is.  But, whatever it is, We haz it, and would very much like to stop having dreams in which We are trapped on the tops of very tall buildings and forced to crawl along gutters and ledges.  KThxBye.

(Apropos of nothing, We also just made up “onomatopoeiacideophobia”, which is fear of killer spelling bees.  Or spelling killer bees.  Or killing Tori Spelling.  One of those.)

So.  Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and Tori Spelling.  Not only in the same horoscope, but now in the same sentence.  Well, sentence fragment.  But still.  Never let it be said that We do not have catholic tastes.  Why, We tasted many a Catholic back in the day.  We were an altar boy, after all. (It was a Shakespearean cross dressing sort of thing.  Plus We couldn’t resist the joke. (We are striving for a second joke, involving Wishbone™ Cross Dressing, but We fear failure is imminent.  Despite the thought of throwing Paul Newman into the mix, which just occurred to Us.))

Next year’s Fringe, We’re gonna bag all this rehearsing crap and just take people on an hour-long tour of Our mind.

Speaking of the Fringe, have you got your tickets for the hottest show in this year’s Fringe Festival yet?  Here at Casa de Clambake, We are working Our fingers to the very boner (ahem) on this show.  Why, tomorrow morning, We are dragging Himself’s ass out of bed at 8AM to meet with the costume designer.  Which is mostly a moot point, because nobody makes Spanx™ that big.  But whatevs.  In case We have been unclear on this subject, Himself will be bringing back his marriage equality one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, from September 2-18, at the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3. Needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), you are all expected to attend. Especially those who didn’t so much show up last time.  And yes, We have kept records.  Drop by on SitOnMyFaceBook here:  http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=187844157946759

Watch this video, or tomorrow, We’ll post pictures of Himself in his foundation garments:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Tori Spelling’s reinterpretation of the “Day That Will Live In Infamy” speech.  Accompanied by Paul Newman on the onomatopoeia, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt on the wheelchair.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Today is perfect for pouring on the charm (Always after me fuckin’ charm…it’s massively suspicious.)

and seeing if you can get your way through friendly means. (What about getting Our means through weaselly friends?  Or getting Our friends through menial ways?  Why, the possibilities are limitless.)

 It’s all too easy to bluster your way to success, (Sez YOU.)

but why waste the energy if you don’t have to?  (Oddly enough, that’s exactly what it says on the front of Our panties.)

 If a friend or loved one has been acting out of character, today is a good day to try to find out what’s on their mind. (Do We have to pretend to care?)

Be very careful not to push them too hard on it — just let them know you’re ready to listen if they’re ready to talk. (Wait…there’s a time when WE’RE not the one talking?!?)

They’ll appreciate the fact that you care and the fact that you respect them enough to listen. (And just think of how much more they’ll appreciate the fact that We bother to expend the energy to PRETEND to care, and PRETEND to listen.  Why, We may end up being crowned queen.)

But don’t take it personally if they choose not to confide in you. (Hey, as long as there are snacks.  Will there be snacks?)

It might be too soon, or it might be something they need to figure out on their own.  (Well, bugger off then.)

You’re feeling stuck somehow  (Actually, not so much.)

— don’t hesitate to talk it out. (Um…okay.)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

Someone unattached, even an acquaintance is a great option. (So, basically, We’re one step away from hiring a hooker.)

Stick with the facts (Ma’am.)

and stay out of the emotion. (On the other hand, c’mon, baby, do the locomotion.)

(Everybody’s doin’ a brand new dance now…oh, sorry; is that stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

You’ll articulate your feelings more clearly without the mental muck. (Aaaand right away We have the protagonist of Our next children’s book, Dental Duck.  (Having rejected Rental Truck as too boring, Lentil Luck as too Chinese, and Gentle Fuck as a whole different genre of litty-choor.))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.