Bang! The tunic opens. Bang! The trousers fall.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, September Elebenf, 2013.  Happy Hump Day to Juan Anne Dahl.

We trust you will make it safely through the day without having to scream at the InterNetz too many times to shut its freaking cakehole.  If you make it all the way to this evening, turn OFF your InterNetz and come join Us at Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.   The show is at 8PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:

http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

Also, tell your friends, etc.  We were so preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We weren’t quite the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.

(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”.  You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you?  If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

On another subject, there are days when We are absolutely Mister Fide by people’s behavior.  This is one of those days.

In other news, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it.  So here ya go:

And here is the HorrorScope:

Our celebrity birthday website wants Us to know that it is Dr. Seuss’s wife’s birthday today.  Seriously?  Everybody out of the InterNetz!

(Her name, meanwhile, was Helen Palmer.  Because, if you were married to Dr. Fucking Seuss, you wouldn’t call yourself Mrs. Fucking Seuss?!?  Jeebus!)

You may say the wrong thing to the wrong person today (Well, it’s a good fucking thing that Helen Fucking Seuss nee Palmer is dead, then, innit?)

— but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed!  (Oh, please.  If We were (subjunctively) doomed for saying the wrong thing to people, We’d’ve been dead long before the first e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! ever appeared.)

In fact, a moment of insensitivity could be just what’s needed to break the ice.  (Bite Us, bee-yotch.)

(Howzzat?)

Don’t feel bad!  (Fine!  Come to Our show, and We won’t!  (Our show is full of random exclamation points too!  Just like this one!  And this one!  And…(How can you tell it’s an endless loop…endless loop….endless loop…?)))

Today, you will feel a strong magnetic pull toward beautiful things from other people’s cultures. (That is because We have no culture of Our Own.)

 This increase in your aesthetic sensibilities and curiosities is probably a clear signal that it’s time for you to break away from a life that is too oriented towards facts and figures.  (Okay, the phrase “aesthetic sensibilities” is making Us wonder if there is a related phrase, “aesthetic supporters”, analogous to “athletic supporters”.  Which should give you some idea as to which way Our “aesthetic sensibilities” lie. (Here’s another hint:  We would like to be reincarnated as Johnny Depp’s aesthetic supporter.))

So try to step out of your daily routine.  (Well, We would, but We hear it’s hot outside.  Also, We have to work tonight.  And the check is in the mail, the dog ate Our homework, and We won’t cum in your mouth.)

Go see a foreign film, eat at an ethnic restaurant or listen to some music from another country.  (Which part of “We have to work tonight” did you not understand?  AssHat.)

Explore and you will be rewarded.  (Exploding U-Hauls is reworded.)

(Well, it is.)

(That’s one of those existential jokes.  In the sense that it’s not funny.)

You’re bounding up the career ladder, (In these heels?!?)

and it’s totally deserved. (Whatevs.)

Your love life might just have to stay on the back burner for a little while longer, though, but it should come back with a bang!  (“With a bang”…heh.  Kelli made a funny.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Come out of the cupboard, all you boys and girls

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThirdsDay, January Tent, Twenty-ThirdTeen.  (Why, that sentence alone is a veritable short indy fillum!  Once you get twenty-three teenagers into a tent, who knows what might happen?  (Hijinks, We predict, would most certainly ensue.  As hijinks are wont to do. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Dr. Seuss.)))

Speaking of hijinks (as We were), We were both flabbergasted and flummoxed by the hue and cry that arose in response to Our three-evenings-out-three-evenings-in-a-row-with-three-attractive-Gentleman-Callers-who-woefully-play-for-the-other-team.  Gentlemen, if you are nakedly skimming within the sound of Our voice, you should be advised that there are any number of wimminz who DO play on your team who have declared their willingness to date all y’all, sight unseen.

This has been an Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! Public Service Announcement.  Just another service We provide here at  Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope!

We are, meanwhile, suitably chagrined to have been unable to somehow include the word “flibbertigibbet” in that paragraph along with “flabbergasted” and “flummoxed”.  One cannot, We are told, have everything.

Sorry…We stepped away for a moment to complete a WorldWideInterWebNetzian survey,  which will be driving out a lovely check.  (Now if only the lovely check could be driven over by a lovely Czech, who plays on OUR team. (Preferably Our water polo team, because then there would presumably be Speedos™.  (Not, you understand, that We have any earthly idea what water polo even is, but We are imagining it being played by swimmers.  Michael Phelps, and that lot.)))

Sorry…what were We talking about?  Whaddaya mean, who the hell could possibly know?

The South Philly Review just showed up on Our doorstep.  It is entirely possible that We have Attention Deficit Dis---oh, look… a balloon!

Speaking of people who smoke weed, which may be the only way Michael Phelps and Justin Bieber will ever find themselves in the same sentence, long-time Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! Gentle Readers are well aware of Our love for All Things Bieber (with the exception of his music), so We shall pause here while you go to a different part of Bloggonia entirely to read all about 2013: The Year In Bieber:  http://likejulius.blogspot.com/2013/01/2013-year-in-bieber_9.html

You’re welcome, Greg.

On the subject of The Bieber, this never gets old:

In other news, on the subject of the Olympics, you will have heard, no doubt, of the phenomenon of speed dating, in which One spends one to three minutes in the company of a succession of people on One’s sexual-orientation-team for the purpose of finding a date.  Well, just wait till you get a load (heh) of OUR new related concept:  speed hating.

Okay, as much fun as this all is (for you, anyway), We’ve got to start wrapping it up.  We just got an audition notice in Our email for For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf, and We have to go whip Our monologue into shape.

Speaking of autistic…er, artistic endeavors, here is how you would share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn  video with a friend.   KThxBye.:

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Rasputin’s birthday, in case you were thinking your Pop Tarts™ tasted funny this morning.  His first name was Grigori, because Russians spell funny. (That is NOT racist.  (It would be racist if We said they SMELL funny.)  But they actually DO spell funny.  The entire 1917 revolution happened because they couldn’t decide if Nicholas was the Czar or the Tsar.  True fact.)

You need to avoid the temptation (And lederhosen to temptation, but deliberately Bieber…that’s a direct quote from The Apollo’s Creed, or some old Catholic prayer.  We have no idea what it means, but if the Bieber turns up in lederhosen, We will not be responsible for what happens next.)

(Does anybody else feel as though there should now be an interlude in which Rod Serling introduces the rest of this e-pissode?)

to ignore friends and family today (Sorry…what did you say?)

— no matter what.  (What what?)

 Your career or other obligations may be calling, (As may London.)

(That there was a little pop culture reference.)

(All around the mulberry bush

The Monkees chased The Bieber

Take one down, pass it around

Pop! Goes the Culture Club.)

(Who let Boy George in here?)

but you’ve got to do what’s right before that can happen.  (Are you still talking?  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Right now, mulling over an intimidating idea is the same thing as procrastinating when making a decision … be careful that you don’t get a reputation for being indecisive.  (You had Us at “mulling”…may We mull some wine, mais oui?)

Rebel against that possibility today by grabbing life by the hand  (The hand?  Seriously?)

and taking it for a whirl!   (Is “whirl” ever properly NOT followed by an exclamation point?  Inquiring minds Jacques Cousteau.)

Do something spontaneous that will surprise the folks around you.  (SURPRISE!!!)

(You will be pleased to hear that spontaneity is on Our schedule for today at 4:15.)

Prove to them and to yourself that you know that sometimes the value of doing something is much higher than the value of thinking about doing something.  (So what We hear you saying is, don’t think.  Alrighty, then.)

 You’re no angel  (What was your first fucking clue?)

— especially when naughtiness is the name of the game. (What if naughtiness is NOT the name of the game?  Is it all for naught? (Possibly.  But probably not naught for all.))

You’re making the rules and then breaking them. (So essentially, We’re wasting a lot of effort.)

Fortunately, you know when to turn from vice to nice, especially when it comes to romance. (What the hell did that even MEAN?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Oooo-hooo, witchy woman, see how high she flies

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManTitzMonday, December 17, 2012.  Happy Birthday to Charlie, who turns twenty-four today. Charlie directed Us in Arthur Miller’s Creussical: The Musical Back In The Day.  “Back In The Day” being ten years ago next year.  Next year being approximately five minutes from now.  Clearly, Charlie was a child prodigy, directing such a piece at age fourteen.    Of course, We Our Own Self Personally were only fourteen at the time, as well.  If We recall correctly, Our character had a fourteen-year-old daughter.  What a strange show that was.

Other than that little tiptoe-through-theatrical-history’s-tulips, We have precious little to report. Our activities of late seem to be mostly Christmas-related; they consist, for the most part, of Making Our List, Checking It Twice, then Stuffing It In The Credenza And Watching Television.  Christmas, it would seem, will come whether We are prepared or not, and who can get in the mood to go Christmas shopping when all it ever does is rain?

Meanwhile, on the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) front, there are but a few more days left in Sagittarius, which means The Shortest Day Of The Year is almost upon Us.  (Some of Us have already experienced The Shortest Attention-Span Day Of The…oh, look!   A balloon!)  Here is the link with which you would share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius video with your friends.  If you did that sort of thing.  Which you don’t.

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter account:

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

What's black and blue and red all over? Me at the bottom of the stairs.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

They should have me be the quarterback for the Eagles.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I can't find anything to wear for school tomorrow.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

As far as celebrity birthdays go, it is the birthday of a whole bunch of “celebrities” of whom no one has ever heard.  And George Lindsey.  Charlie will no doubt be thrilled to learn that he shares his birthday with Goober from The Andy Griffith Show.

You are feeling the urge (The urge to merge.  It’s like “the need for speed”, only dirtier.)

to try something new — and soon!  (As soon as noon?)

(We?  Are Dr. Seuss for grownups, We are.)

Your energy is tightly wound and you may find that you need to cut loose, (Whereupon Kevin Bacon will do a little dance number.)

so try to find some new activity that can let you shake things up.  (Aaaaaand right away We give you a “shaking Kevin’s bacon” joke.)

You might have a lot of false starts today, (To say nothing of salsa farts.  (No, really….say NOTHING.))

despite the fact that you were smart enough to think ahead and plan ahead. (All this head We’re planning, and how much ya wanna bet We don’t get any?)

Your concentration just isn’t strong now, (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Every so often We like to make it so even Helen Keller can see what We did there.  Because We’re kind to the differently-abled like that.)

and it won’t be able to carry you through.  (Oh, please.  They don’t make a forklift that could “carry Us through”.  You know that old conundrum about could God make a rock so heavy that He couldn’t lift it?  Substitute Our ass for the rock, and he already has.)

But that’s okay — you won’t get frustrated (Sez you.)

by not being able to get a toehold on the day. (Why would We be wasting Our time trying to grab it by the toe?  (If he hollers, let him go.))

In fact, you’ll actually enjoy the diversions and distractions that the day brings. (Much like that balloon from earlier.  (And here, you thought We weren’t paying attention.))

So if your day doesn’t go the way you want it to, don’t sweat it. (Feel free, however, to drool it, slobber it, or queef it.)

No one cares about it, so why should you?  (How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?)

(No, really…how many?)

(Wait for it…)

(How the hell can you screw, in a light bulb?)

Your much-vaunted (Vaunted, you say?)

enthusiasm is a gift, (‘Tis a gift to be simple, ‘tis a gift to have fleas.)

but at this time you’re able to see where and when you can best conserve your romantic efforts. (“Conserve your romantic efforts”?  What the fuck is this, a fucking Victorian romance novel?   Jesus fuck!)

After all, not every date can be a keeper. (And, oddly enough, even fewer of them can be beekeepers.  Although bookkeepers are fairly common.)

You should save some time for yourself. (Considering We’ve just finished this and it’s not even 10:30 yet, We appear to have done just that.)

 (You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.