No one is alone

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Turdsday,  April TwennyTurd, 2015.

It being Shakespeare’s birthday, We felt cumpelled to put quill pen to parchment and frut and stret Our hour upon the page, as it (subjunctively) were.  We know you’re thrilled.

We have, of course, entered the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above.  And here, because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Taurus video:

Here are the links with which you may share those videos with both of your friends:   https://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY  https://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

And now, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled.  So, Happy Belated Birthday to Adam, Chris, Doug, Gabe, Jared, Kevin, Nima, and Tom.

 (It occurs to Us that, when We’ve made such a list in the past, We’ve usually actually seen at least one or two of the birthday suits thereon.  This time?  Not so much.  One or more of all y’all oughta do something about that.)

Many of you are no doubt wondering how We Our Own Self Personally spent the anniversary of Our nativity. (We can tell by all the cards, letters, emails, and smoke signals begging Us to return to daily publication.)  And We would tell you, but then We would have to kill you.  Suffice it to say that We were not alone for any part of it, and a lovely time was had by all.

In other news, thanks to everyone who made it out to see She Stoops to Conquer.  If you missed Our review, it is here:  http://phindie.com/7575-she-stoops-to-conquer-mechanical-theater-review/

Save-The-Date, meanwhile, for May Twoth, when the WaitStaff will once again be playing The Match Game at L’Etage.  Keep your eye on Our SitOnMyFaceBook page for details.

If We were (subjunctively) to complain about anything (which, of course, We are NOT, as We simply Don’t. Do. That.), it would be that, as a belated birthday present to Ourself, We felt the urge earlier in the week to by Ourself a brand spanking new sump pump for Our basement.

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now over TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

In celebrity birthday news , Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that , in addition to Shakespeare's birthday, it is also the birthday of Joyce DeWitt, Valerie Bertinelli, and President James Buchanan.  Cake all around!

And now, We realize it’s been a while, but here is call-and-response with everybody’s Second-Favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Kelli:

Good news!  (Man bites dog?)

The things you've been working toward so ardently are coming together nicely now. (Superman bites wiener dog?)

Okay, you're not quite 'there' yet, (Not only that, We’re only barely ‘here’.)

but there will be some major indications that you are tantalizingly close today.  (Tantalizingly Close is, of course, mere steps away from Glenn Close.)

(Do We even need to say that We have no earthly idea what the fuck We’re talking about?)

How to make the most of this wonderful momentum?  (Placentum?)

(What?)

Just keep going!  (Maybe it’s Us, but “just keep going” would seem to be the very DEFINITION of “momentum”.  AssHatt.)

Try not to celebrate prematurely, (Are you sure you meant “celebrate”?)

but do give yourself a little congratulatory gift or two. (Oh, please…how many sump pumps does one woman need?)

(Don’t answer that.)

You deserve the positive encouragement -- you are ready to take this ball and run with it. (If some of the Belated Birthday gentlemen from earlier would just show Us their birthday suits, We’ll take ALL the balls and run with them.)

Your usual charge-ahead attitude (That is a lie; We do NOT charge for head.)

and sense of adventure may have been missing in action for a bit, but they come rushing back now.  (We shall alert the media.)

Be ready with a fun plan with friends and flirtation. (And any number of other F-words.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, March 19^rd, 2014.

This just in from an InterWebNetzian dating site which may or may not be called OKStupid:  “I don’t like catty people or baby corn.”

Alrighty, then.  We don’t like corny people or baby cats.  If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be picking out an engagement ring.

Faithful Gentle Readers will have noticed the absence of an e-pissode yesterday.  We trust that none of you were so distraught that you flung yourselves over the parapet.  It was just that, as if things weren’t (subjunctively) bad enough already, We woke up with a cold, and We just really couldn’t be arsed.

Speaking of inability to be arsed, Our cold continues today.  The day on which, at tonight’s rehearsal, We are supposed to be off book for the new murder mystery.  Naturally, this means that We have whiled away the morning playing on the WorldWideInterWebNetz and writing a song parody.  As One does.

Fortunately, We Our Own Self Personally wrote the new murder mystery, so, as long as We say SOMETHING when it’s Our turn, We can claim that that something is what We meant to write.

The song parody, meanwhile, which We may or may not share with YouPeople at some future point, is for Our friend who is off rehearsing a musical to entertain the Amish.  In addition to being in the Amish musical, he has been elected (crowned?  One is unsure of the process…) Dance Captain.  We have no idea what that means, but We hope it involves a really cool uniform.  Preferably with epaulets.

Some of you, no doubt, will be amazed to learn that there is, in fact, such a thing as Amish musical theatre.  It is, of course, different from the musical theatre to which most of Us are accustomed, as musical instruments are, naturally, forbidden.  As are singing and dancing.  And electric lighting.  And, while there are costumes, there can be no quick costume changes, as both zippers and Velcro™ are against the rules.  The entire affair consists mostly of toneless declaiming of Scripture, with an occasional witticism about cowpies. Unfortunately, laughing at said witticisms is also forbidden, and is punishable by flagellation.

Needless to say, Zebediah and Company won’t be taking home a Tony™ award any time soon.

Moving on, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 

Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber.  :

In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity.  Jeebus.

http://www.queerty.com/justin-biebers-penis-will-be-redacted-from-police-security-footage-sorry-everyone-20140305/

In celebrity birthday news, both Bruce Willis and Glenn Close were born today.  Leading to the realization that One just doesn’t see enough Burce Willis-Glenn Close movies.

And that’s all We have time for today, fucks…gotta go learn lines.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Spring can really hang you up the most

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesdayWeldsCornAndWeDon’tKarenCarpenterAndYouWereALadyIsATramp…(sorry; Our needle got stuck.  (In a vein.  Pumping heroin.)), March 19, 2013.  Happy Belated Birthday to Scott, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  While We were at tech rehearsal. At 10:30.  AM.  In the morning.  For those of you in the biz who know what tech rehearsal is, We were finished AND HOME by 1:30.  Smell Us and be jealous.

(Scott, if you are reading this, it’s Kathleen’s one-woman show; see links below.)

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens this very Thursday) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/  And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:

http://diversionproductions.moonfruit.com/

In other news, We are told that Spring begins tomorrow, but We will believe it when We see it.

In still other news, here is Our capsule review of Celeste and Jesse Forever, which We watched this weekend:  in his eighteen seconds of screen time, Elijah Wood demonstrates that HE is a movie star, while the rest of these folks in this movie are…well, whatever they are.  Also, if you get a leading role in a movie, even if it’s your very first one, even if you’re eating ramen noodles and ketchup packs, and living in the trunk of somebody’s car, get your goddamn teeth whitened.  Nobody wants to look at your ugly-ass goddamn butter-colored teeth.  KThxBye.

Speaking of butter, why don’t’cha all butter up Uranus and share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 . Tomorrow, Our Aries video will debut!

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Oh. Our. God.  Not only is it Glenn Close’s birthday, it is also Moms Mabley’s.  We barely know whether to scratch Our watch or wind Our ass.  (Much like the “Our needle got stuck” quip from earlier, this watch-winding thing doesn’t work anymore either, as many of Our Gentle Readers will have never seen a watch that One would wind.  Sigh.  We are old.)

It’s a good day to hash out disagreements at work or nearly anywhere else. (Well, DUH.  The more hash you smoke, the less disagreeable you become.  Who didn’t know that?)

Your ability to make your case is heightened,  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Perry Mason.  (We’ll pause here, while the chirren Google “Perry Mason” on Wikipedia.))

and you should find that your adversaries come around to your side soon.  (But if We all sit on the same side, the boat will tip over.)

Your wit will be extremely fast and potent today (If you think THAT’S fast, you should see Our halfwit.)

— but that could be a mixed blessing, (Which is still better than a mixed nuts blessing, which can be very confusing.)

so be very careful about what you say and to whom you say it. (Oh, okay.  We will.  AssHat.)

Make sure that you’re only smarting off and being sassy in front of the people who know your sense of humor well.  (Okay, did anyone else just think that Sassy Smartingoff would be a really good drag queen name?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Strangers will not do a good job of picking up on your sarcasm. (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)

So going on auto-pilot is not something you should be doing today, especially when you are in a room full of important or influential people.  (What if We go on auto-erotic-pilot-light instead?)

(We are fairly certain there was an entire screenplay in that last sentence.  We are seeing Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron.  With Elijah Wood as The Beaver.)

 You may work better using the written word for the moment,  (All current evidence to the contrary.)

so take advantage of the online dating world.  (And how exactly would that differ from having a wank?)

(Sorry.)

If you find yourself in a romantic one-on-one meeting, make sure to think before you speak! (But We are the Queen of Extemporanea. (Or Norway.  One of those.))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.