Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, March 19rd, 2014.
This just in from an InterWebNetzian dating site which may or may not be called OKStupid: “I don’t like catty people or baby corn.”
Alrighty, then. We don’t like corny people or baby cats. If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be picking out an engagement ring.
Faithful Gentle Readers will have noticed the absence of an e-pissode yesterday. We trust that none of you were so distraught that you flung yourselves over the parapet. It was just that, as if things weren’t (subjunctively) bad enough already, We woke up with a cold, and We just really couldn’t be arsed.
Speaking of inability to be arsed, Our cold continues today. The day on which, at tonight’s rehearsal, We are supposed to be off book for the new murder mystery. Naturally, this means that We have whiled away the morning playing on the WorldWideInterWebNetz and writing a song parody. As One does.
Fortunately, We Our Own Self Personally wrote the new murder mystery, so, as long as We say SOMETHING when it’s Our turn, We can claim that that something is what We meant to write.
The song parody, meanwhile, which We may or may not share with YouPeople at some future point, is for Our friend who is off rehearsing a musical to entertain the Amish. In addition to being in the Amish musical, he has been elected (crowned? One is unsure of the process…) Dance Captain. We have no idea what that means, but We hope it involves a really cool uniform. Preferably with epaulets.
Some of you, no doubt, will be amazed to learn that there is, in fact, such a thing as Amish musical theatre. It is, of course, different from the musical theatre to which most of Us are accustomed, as musical instruments are, naturally, forbidden. As are singing and dancing. And electric lighting. And, while there are costumes, there can be no quick costume changes, as both zippers and Velcro™ are against the rules. The entire affair consists mostly of toneless declaiming of Scripture, with an occasional witticism about cowpies. Unfortunately, laughing at said witticisms is also forbidden, and is punishable by flagellation.
Needless to say, Zebediah and Company won’t be taking home a Tony™ award any time soon.
Moving on, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8
Because you do that, don’t you? DON’T YOU?
And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber. :
In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity. Jeebus.
In celebrity birthday news, both Bruce Willis and Glenn Close were born today. Leading to the realization that One just doesn’t see enough Burce Willis-Glenn Close movies.
And that’s all We have time for today, fucks…gotta go learn lines.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.