Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMantillaMonday, March 31th , 2014.
No one wears a mantilla anymore. Why is that?
Bring back mantillas! (Or should that be “mantillath”, as the Cathtillians would say? (Also, why is the adjective for “involving the wearing of mantillath” not “mantillaic”?))
She’s a mantilliac, mantilliac on the floor
And she danthes like she never did before…
In other news, it is a kitchen in a motherfucking ROWHOME, people. How many consecutive days of pounding and drilling are required to remodel it? And what the hell are you remodeling it into? An airplane hangar? A cigar factory? A sex dungeon? Jeebus!
(Where the hell did “cigar factory” come from? (Ah…mantillath, Carmen…kiss Us quick, We’re Georges Bizet.))
Toreador, Don Pardo…
Get on the floor; hump like a whore…
Who doesn’t love opera? (Besides, ya know, everybody?)
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile (it being nobody’s birthday (that We know of) today, which, with almost a thousand SitOnMyFaceBook “friends”, would seem to be nigh on mathematically impossible. (To say nothing of mantilliacally)), to Aileen, who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere out in Amish country. Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Mark, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere out BEYOND Amish country.
All this talk of the Amish has made Us hungry for shoo-fly pie. And teenaged boys on Rumspringa…
We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity. Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, both Shirley Jones and Richard Chamberlain turn eighty today. Having seen a recent publicity photo of each of them, and never having seen them in the same place at the same time, One was given to pondering whether all these years, Shirley Jones has just been Richard Chamberlain in drag.
Now, lest you imagine that We just make up such accusations out of whole cloth and fling them about both willy and nilly with no effort at corroboration, We are here to tell you that We are a veritable pillar of journalistic integrity. Why, as soon as this nefarious conspiracy theory occurred to what passes for Our mind, We went directly to The Oracle Of Bacon (http://oracleofbacon.org/) to ascertain whether there might be cinematic evidence to the contrary...that is, whether Ms. Jones and Mr. Chamberlain had ever appeared in a fillum together. Not only have they not, but also, Richard “Shirley Jones” Chamberlain has never appeared in a fillum with Kevin Bacon, neither. In case you were wondering.
Cunning linguists among you will recognize the alarming degree of difficulty in the penultimate sentence of the preceding paragraph, in which We flawlessly execute the rare Quadruple Negative. We are A Highly Trained Professional, people; do not attempt this at home.
In other news, Happy Equity Day Off to those who are enjoying Equity Day Off, most notably OurDearDoh…does that mean you are PlayDoh™? Also, thank you for recommending House of Cards, which is Our new television crack.
Today is all about spontaneity, (And We have about a half an hour free for that at four thirty. Please have your assistant confirm with Our assistant, and have Housekeeping set up coffee and tea service.)
so ignore your calendar items (Sorry…did you say something?)
and just try to wing it as much as possible. (Alternatively, try to wang it as much as possible. Because that sounds like more fun, dunnit?)
(Speaking of cunning linguistics, why has no one thought of “wang” as a verb before?)
With energy like yours, it’s hard to see how things could go wrong. (Trust Us, it is NEVER hard to see how things could go wrong.)
(Also, with frenulums like yours, who needs enemas?)
Have fun with your people! (Okey-dokey-artichokey! Pull Our finger!)
You can cut to the chase in a way that few other people can match, (And you should see Us cut the cheese.)
and that sincere desire to speak and hear the truth helps you out in all sorts of ways right now. (What does any of that have to do with the brilliant fart joke We were constructing?)
A flash of insight can lead to you clearing the way for a new path. (That sounds an awful lot like work…)
You and a few close friends might not have thought it was possible, but go ahead and lead the way anyway. (Fine…We shall be the first on Our block to wear a mantilla to the Ack-A-Me.)
Now’s a great time to create some friction, the good kind, with someone, because baby, you’re ignitable. (Innat a Katy Perry song?)
Force eye contact with a person you’re interested in. (Mmmm-hmm…because they will totally return Our interest the instant We staple their eyes open.)
Don’t limit yourself either — pick out a few potential targets and let the gazes smolder. (Why the fuck not? After all, it’s almost Rumspringa!)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.