Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For March 14st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Barb, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in California. (It is always a mystery to Us why they give place-names to places in California when, as all Right-Coasters know, there are only two places there: El Lay (which contains, of course, WeHo) and Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat. (Purists will argue the existence of San Diego, which is where they make gay porn, but, this being a family-friendly horoscope, We decline to enter that discussion.))
(It is so too a family-friendly horoscope! If your family’s name is Addams…)
Barb, as it turns out, is turning twenty-four in the Fran Sancisco part of California. With, hopefully, a candle in her Rice-A-Roni™. (Did that sound like a vulgar euphemism to you? Because it sounded like a vulgar euphemism to Us, and We were uncharacteristically aware of what the hell We were talking about.)
We have lamented in these e-pisstles before, but it bears repeating, that Rice-A-Roni™ ceased being a treat when they took the little slivered almonds out of the fried-rice Rice-A-Roni™ flavor. Because, as you may have surmised, We prefer Our treats to have nuts. (Our tricks, too, but that’s a whore of another color.)
Moving on, Happy Birthday also to Dominic, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia. Also too, Happy Birthday to Sue, aka Berdine, who also too turns twenty-four today, in, We just today for the first time noticed, Bethlehem. Where We had no idea anyone actually lived, although We had heard of people being born there.
(That right there was a little of the family-friendly religious humor for which Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is famous. A Jesus joke that your starchiest nun would be hard-pressed to take offense at, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about YOU?))
Apropos of nothing, how much do We love it when Our Hottie McHottHott With HottSauce mailman brings the mail, AND there’s a check in it? Thanks, Loretta! (We should note at this juncture that Loretta and LOretta are two different people. So it’s good that one of them is called “Loretta” and the other is called “LOretta”. (Also, how damn glamorous is Our life that We know TWO people named Loretta (well, one named Loretta and one named LOretta, but still…))
We had a red-letter day yesterday (literarily, a red-letter day is good, but a scarlet letter is bad; discuss) in that We heard from more people named in Our e-pisstle than ever before…We hope this signifies the start of a trend! So shout-outs to Ian (We hope you got a “candle in your Rice-A-Roni™” for your birthday (god, that sounds vile!)), and Josh, and Jill (who would actually be mentioned again today regardless of this shout-out, as it was during a convo on her SitOnMyFaceBook page that We were told (not by Jill, mind you) to shut Our pie-hole about Pie Day.
Also, confidential to Becky (so the rest of you, put pie in your ears): the last time We bought a slip, it was at FW Woolworth & Company. So that tells you how long ago THAT was.
Moving on, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8
Because you do that, don’t you? DON’T YOU?
And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber. :
In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity. Jeebus.
And now, the HorrorScope:
Bringing you, as We do, the Up-To-The-Minute, Vital-To-The-Realm Celebrity Birthday News…Taylor Hanson (of Hanson fame) turns thirty-one today. Because We like Our treats with nuts, We spent some time this morning Googling various Hansons on Wikipedia. Turns out, “Taylor” is his middle name; his full name is Jordan Taylor Hanson. One wonders how he came to call himself “Taylor” when “Jordan” is an equally cool name. (He also has five, count ‘em, FIVE children, but We prefer not to think about that. Who does he think he is, a fucking Osmond brother?)
Meanwhile, his poor older brother Isaac (and, if you were (subjunctively) unfortunate enough to be named “Isaac”, wouldn’t you simply HAVE to call yourself “Zac” (well, “Sac” (okay, actually “Saac”))?) can’t even call himself “Zac”, because that’s the youngest brother’s name. Turns out, however, that he doesn’t even HAVE to call himself “Isaac”, because his actual first name is “Clarke”. Which is way cooler, except for that unnecessary Very Gay E.
Zac, meanwhile, is using a diminutive of his actual first name (Zachary), which does, however, raise several questions. How does a Zachary decide between “Zac” and “Zach”? And where the hell does the K come from in all these “Zack”s? Zac also has a perfectly acceptable middle name, to wit, “Walker”. Much like Walker, Texas Ranger. Except that Walker was his LAST name. (Is Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! fucking educational or what?) Also, the Hansons are from Oklahoma, and "Walker, Oklahoma Ranger" just sounds stupid.
Whew! That’s a whole lotta stuff about Hanson. And their half-a-dozen nuts. We are plumb wore out!
We shall leave you with two mental pixtures: the Hanson brothers taking a SitOnMyFaceBook quiz entitled “Which Jonas Brother Are You?, And Chuck Norris listening to a mash-up of “Mmm-Bop” and Cyndi Lauper’s “She-Bop”. On his Walkman™.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.