Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Monday II: Return of the Monday: The Monday
Strikes Back, March Elebbenf, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Christopher, who turns
twenty-four today, all the way out in WeHo, El Lay. We have chosen today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Marilyn McCoo Pepe LePew in his
honor. Because that’s just how We roll. You’re welcome.
Happy Birthday also to Becca, who most likely
does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On
Your) Back.
We sincerely hope that the fact that We know people
who are turning ages lower than twenty-four does not make any of Our
twenty-four-year-old friends (of which We have, unaccountably, a legion
bordering on a plethora) feel old.
Fun Musical Theatre Trivia Fact: “A Legion Bordering On A Plethora” was
the original title of the song “(I Love
You) A Bushel And A Peck” from Guys
and Dolls.
How it is that We do not have Our Own
television show, We have no idea.
Speaking of The Business That Is Show Which
Is Unique In That There Is No Business That Is NOT Show That Is Even Remotely Akin To It (do We even need to tell
you that they re-wrote that lyric at the express request of Ms. Ethel Merman?),
We have not one, not two, but THREE business of show business proposals outstanding,
and have heard not Peep One on any front.
Which would not be especially unusual, except that they are all
outstanding with people We know. There’s
no people like show people who need people are the luckiest up, up, with people
in Stop
the World I Want To Get Off.
We should point out that We have only three
more performances of Our current murder mystery, before it is replaced by Our
new murder mystery. Those dates are
March 15, 28, and 29, so if you’re interested, lettuce know quick, fast, and
in-a-hurry. Also, the radio play will return
with all-new episodes (they’re not e-pissodes, because they’re on the radio) on
April 10. Moron that story as it
develops.
Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular)
news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is
above. Here is the link with which you
may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8
Because you do that, don’t you? DON’T
YOU?
And here, because We can resist no
opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now
non-teen-aged Justin Bieber. :
In horrifying news, We had better best get
the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has
now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited
celebrity. Jeebus.
In keeping with today’s theme, novelist
Douglas Adams’ birthday is also today.
And now, the HorrorScope:
You need an emotional outlet (WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT? HOW DARE YOU! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OUT OF YOU!!!)
(Heh.
See what We did there?)
— and that doesn’t mean a punching bag! (We were on the verge of making a ballsac joke
here. Then We started thinking…why not
an ACTUAL punching bag that looks like a ballsac? That could be a thing, right? Lettuce just hop on over to KickStarter.,..)
(Okay, fine: “scrotum”.)
(Is it just Us, or is the word “scrotum”
totally underused?)
Unless boxing is your preferred means of
venting, (Or unless it’s Boxing Day.)
you need to find a non-aggressive method for
handling all this. (Is anyone else picturing
Sylvester Stallone, in a gym, pounding away at a big ol’ scrotum? Just Us?
Alrighty, then.)
(This boxing thing We’ve hit (heh) upon is
somewhat satisfying the overwhelming urges We are having this morning to punch
any number of people in the face. So there’s
that. (Perhaps later, We shall go run up
the Art Museum steps. (Or not.)))
You
didn’t choose your family like you did your friends, (If you use “pick” instead
of “choose”, you could end that sentence with that “but you can’t pick your
friend’s nose” joke. (Which was, of
course, the original lyric for “Pick A
Little, Talk A Little” from The Music Man, replaced at the
request of Robert Preston, who was a renowned boogerophobe.))
(Many of you Gentle Readers out there
probably don’t even realize that boogerophobia is a thing. This has been a Public Service Announcement. You’re welcome.)
(Having already done a riff on scrotums
(scrota? scrotae?), We hesitate to do a “Pubic
Service Announcement” joke. (But only
because We can’t think of one.))
but you still have a certain amount of
responsibility when it comes to their well-being. (Oh, was that sentence still going on? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
Try to be as helpful as possible. (Always.)
(Always™.
Have a happy period.)
Accept responsibility for your mistakes, (Oh,
no…that would be wrong!)
admit when you’re wrong (See?)
and accept any apologies headed your way. (Fuck
apologies…send cash.)
Taking the first step down the path of
reconciliation isn’t as difficult as you think. (The second step, however, is,
as They say, a floozy. (Why do they say
that? And what does it mean? Why does anybody listen to Them?))
Spend the morning focusing on your home life.
(Wait…We have a life?)
When the domestic business is taken care of,
you’ll still have lots of energy to go out and have some fun. (Mmm-hmmm…let’s
just hold Our breath and wait for THAT to happen.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
Alternatively,
these from the Onion:
Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love.
It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a complete compromise
based on a fear of dying alone.
- Taurus
You'll become the sworn enemy
of men's-magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullit wasn't
really a very good movie.
- Gemini
You'll stumble onto a great
little trattoria with excellent food and a great wine list, but what
you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
- Cancer
You'll be plunged into a pit of
depression by the thought that Stevie Wonder will probably not live
forever.
- Leo
Raise your voice in anger and
rail against the Gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not
in your size.
- Virgo
Your love life will hum along
like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and
a clever little Swedish machine.
- Libra
In The Hall Of The Mountain
King is a strange choice for a first dance between husband
and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
- Scorpio
You've never been the type to
believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic,
for that matter.
- Sagittarius
You'll start to wonder if
people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the
media for being soft on education and the economy.
- Capricorn
You have to stop worrying about
what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you
probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
- Aquarius
They say a fool and his money
are soon parted, but you still have that ten bucks you found on the
sidewalk the other day.
- Pisces
Your ex will finally stop by to
get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't know anyone saw you
take it.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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