Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for, March 13st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalented Ian, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Meanwhile, break out the fur-lined granny panties, ladies and genitals, they tell Us it’s forty degrees colder today than it was yesterday. And that’s just in Our cold, black heart…
These are very strange times in which We live (if, in fact, you can call this “living”). After wishing a Happy Birthday to Sean yesterday (habitual Gentle Readers will recall sculpted-out-of-white-chocolate Sean, who turned twenty-four yesterday somewhere in the vicinity of WeHo (please note that, by “habitual”, We do NOT mean “wearing habits”. We suspect that there are very few nuns perusing these e-pisstles (although We should point out that, it being his birthday, Ian might be wearing just about anything. One can only IMAGINE Sister Brittany Lynn Explains It All For You))), We discovered that We had Sean’s cell phone number stored in Our cell phone…from a time when neither of us (and nobody else) had cell phones!
Who let Rod Serling in here?
In other news, OurMizJill posted a pixture of her pussy on SitOnMyFaceBook this morning. Said pussy was pensively peering out a window, and is presumably named “Penny”, as the caption was “How much is that Penny in the window?”
Now, those of you who know Us will know that We are certainly not about to go off on a riff about cats (you DID know We were talking about a CAT, didn’t you? Perverts.), or the naming of cats, or, for that matter TS Eliot in general. (Honest to god, if We were (subjunctively) any more literate, We’d speak English).
However, the word “penny” caused some long-neglected brain cell to misfire, and remind Us that We recently found, on the street somewhere, a plastic penny. A well-crafted, numismatically-correct, about-the-size-of-a-penny plastic penny. Which caused Us to cogitate upon just what exactly might be the use for such an object. We are unable to think of a single instance in which, if One wished to use a penny, One wouldn’t simply use an actual penny.
And then, of course, One wonders what it costs to manufacture a plastic penny…
In other other news, OurMizJill’s friend Josh was discoursing (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us…what if We change it to “was waxing poetic”? No, that’s worse…) on SitOnMyFaceBook this morning also, on the subject of some piece of hardware…or maybe software…We don’t remember…(is there some term that covers BOTH hardware AND software? (Yeah…underwear. (Heh. See what We did there? We kill Us.)), and he used the sentence, “In a perfect world, that would be ideal.”
Do We even need to say it?
Meanwhile, didja ever notice how We’re more and more like the gay Andy Rooney? Except We have better-groomed eyebrows. And We’re not dead.
Moving on, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8
Because you do that, don’t you? DON’T YOU?
And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber. :
In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity. Jeebus.
And now, the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, it is Francisco Lachowski’s birthday. You don’t know who that is, you say? Google him on Wikipedia, and blow out his candle. You’re welcome.
It’s definitely time for bold action (Alternatively, it could also be time for a bald auction.)
— so step up and make sure that your people are really paying attention. (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Wait…We have people?!?)
Things should start to get really interesting sometime in the late afternoon. (They SHOULD…but they never do.)
Opportunities will pop up in the most unusual places, (All around the mulberry bush, The Monkees chased Vin Diesel…)
but you have to be ready to jump before they slip away. (Does anyone…still wear…a slip? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Elaine Stritch.))
If you hesitate too long, fickle winds could blow these fortuitous clouds away so quickly that their brief appearance may seem an illusion. (If, on the other hand, you hesitate too short, nobody will know you did anything.)
(Meanwhile, “fickle winds”? “Fortuitous clouds”? The hell?)
Be prepared to follow threads that may seem hopelessly entangled. (Much like this horoscope.)
Holding fast to the free ends will help you find where they lead. (Also, Free Willy is self-explanatory.)
(We have no idea where that came from, but We’re so very glad it did.)
You’re quite generous when it comes to love — and you’ve got a lot to offer! (Was that a fat joke?)
You need to make sure you’re getting your own needs met, also. (Oh, sure. We have to do EVERYTHING Our Own Self.)
Someone equally generous should be a great match for you. (Again, “should”.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.