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Friday, March 28, 2014

I’m hooked on a feeling

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, March 28rd, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Andy, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Charlotte, who also turns twenty-four today, also in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, somewhere, We suspect, within the city limits.  Also too, Happy Birthday to Alan, who also too turns twenty-four today.  Somewhere in Connecticut.  Which just isn’t funny.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile to Wendy, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia.  (More on Our abscesses absinthe Abyssinia-in-all-the-old-familiar-places…(Ooops, sorry…Our keyboard stuck.)  …moron Our absence in a  muu-muu…er, moment.)

Most of Our Gentle Readers are by now aware that, if We mention you in an e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  because it is, for example, your birthday, as with the folks above, or because We are picturing you naked (hi, Allen!), or just because We are a “shameless click-whore” (hi, Josh!), We will alert you to said mention via a SitOnMyFaceBook message, which will include the following sentence:

We are trying out a new plan wherein We message people mentioned in Our daily horoscope.

Now, that would seem to be a relatively clear sentence, yes?  While the “newness” of the plan is somewhat debatable, if it is the first time you are seeing such a notification, you have no way of knowing that.  And, while We were once mocked for Our use of the word “wherein”, if you have read more than three sentences of any one of these e-pisstles, you will be aware that We do not subscribe to the American disdain for literacy and intelligence, Our theory being that We have a vocabulary and We know how to use it, and nothing cheers Us up like a well-placed “albeit”.

That said, when We say:

We are trying out a new plan wherein We message people mentioned in Our daily horoscope.

…if your response is “HUH?” (yes, ladies and genitals, in all caps) We are going to unfriend your sorry ass because you are too stupid to live.  (Please note that this will NOT apply to sarcastic responses of “HUH?” to today’s FB message.  (We can smell YouPeople’s thoughts, and you need a thought shower.))

The person whom We thus unfriended the other day was a person who went through all the “Happy Birthday” messages people had left on her SitOnMyFaceBook page and typed “TY”.  Now, (1.) if you feel the need to save yourself typing effort to the point where you are compelled to abbreviate “Thank you” as “TY”, We do not feel the deep waves of gratitude emanating from you.  And (B.), if you are incapable of using your computer to replicate “Thank you” over and over again with a single keystroke, you are, again, too stupid to live.

Moving on, Our absence yesterday was due to Our efforts to shill shekels by participating in a focus group. (We shall leave the ponderous ponderers among you to ponder on what manner of world We inhabit when the likes of Us are summoned by experts to focus upon anything.)  Unlike most of these affairs, which last for about two hours, this one ran from 8AM till 4:30PM, and involved, fortunately, suitable recompense.  We should like to thank those who texted back and forth with Us during the course of the ordeal, and thus helped Us to deal and cope:  OurMizGerre, OurSistahOvella, TCBITWWW, OurMizCathy, Joe, and Doh, who, now that they have been mentioned herein (heh), will be FB-messaged with those above.

Speaking of those above, it occurs to Us to clarify that the groupings are not necessarily mutually exclusive.  That is, no matter what group you are in, We might be picturing you naked.  Just a heads up (or a “heads-up” (now We are imagining a condiment called “headsup”, which is akin, linguistically at least, to catsup.  (What it is akin to gastronomically, We haven’t got any idea.  (Hi, Jill!))))

We have moved into the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:

According to Our celebrity birthday website, it is the birthday of both Lady Gaga and wrestler Umaga. (If she married him, she would be, presumably, Lady Gaga Umaga…

Ouga! Chaka! Ouga! Chaka!
Ouga! Chaka! Ouga! Chaka!
I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me.
Girl, you just don't realize
What you do to me….


And now, because it has taken Us forever to get this far, A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

Madame Olivia can see that you sometimes present a prickly exterior; people complain about your unknowable interior. This is a problem for you, too: how can YOU get to know yourself better? Madame Olivia seriously encourages you to meditate. You're too busy, sure, so try a 30-second power meditation: just close your eyes and let yourself sink into yourself. Listen to what's going on in there. If you do this often enough, you will get to know you! Ironically, of course, it will help you connect with others, too.

Dear Aries, an opportunity for expansion is ahead, maybe in the earthly realm but for sure in the inner-you realm. A new idea or concept or project will present itself to you: embrace it! A growing maturity can ensue, maturity in the best possible sense, in your case, both wise and frolicsome.

The color light blue will carry meaning

Madame Olivia has enjoyed her time with you today and wishes you all the best.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.