Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, March 28rd, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Andy, who turns twenty-four
today somewhere in the suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Happy Birthday also to Charlotte, who also
turns twenty-four today, also in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back,
somewhere, We suspect, within the city limits.
Also too, Happy Birthday to Alan, who also too turns twenty-four
today. Somewhere in Connecticut. Which just isn’t funny.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile to Wendy,
who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia. (More on Our abscesses absinthe
Abyssinia-in-all-the-old-familiar-places…(Ooops, sorry…Our keyboard stuck.) …moron Our absence in a muu-muu…er, moment.)
Most of Our Gentle Readers are by now aware
that, if We mention you in an e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! because it is, for example, your birthday, as
with the folks above, or because We are picturing you naked (hi, Allen!), or
just because We are a “shameless click-whore” (hi, Josh!), We will alert you to
said mention via a SitOnMyFaceBook message, which will include the following sentence:
We are trying out a new plan wherein We
message people mentioned in Our daily horoscope.
Now, that would seem to be a relatively clear
sentence, yes? While the “newness” of
the plan is somewhat debatable, if it is the first time you are seeing such a
notification, you have no way of knowing that.
And, while We were once mocked for Our use of the word “wherein”, if you
have read more than three sentences of any one of these e-pisstles, you will be
aware that We do not subscribe to the American disdain for literacy and
intelligence, Our theory being that We have a vocabulary and We know how to use
it, and nothing cheers Us up like a well-placed “albeit”.
That said, when We say:
We are trying out a new plan wherein We
message people mentioned in Our daily horoscope.
…if your response is “HUH?” (yes, ladies and genitals,
in all caps) We are going to unfriend your sorry ass because you are too stupid
to live. (Please note that this will NOT
apply to sarcastic responses of “HUH?” to today’s FB message. (We can smell YouPeople’s thoughts, and you
need a thought shower.))
The person whom We thus unfriended the other
day was a person who went through all the “Happy Birthday” messages people had
left on her SitOnMyFaceBook page and typed “TY”. Now, (1.) if you feel the need to save
yourself typing effort to the point where you are compelled to abbreviate “Thank
you” as “TY”, We do not feel the deep waves of gratitude emanating from
you. And (B.), if you are incapable of
using your computer to replicate “Thank you” over and over again with a single keystroke,
you are, again, too stupid to live.
Moving on, Our absence yesterday was due to
Our efforts to shill shekels by participating in a focus group. (We shall leave
the ponderous ponderers among you to ponder on what manner of world We inhabit
when the likes of Us are summoned by
experts to focus upon anything.) Unlike most of these affairs, which last for
about two hours, this one ran from 8AM till 4:30PM, and involved, fortunately,
suitable recompense. We should like to
thank those who texted back and forth with Us during the course of the ordeal,
and thus helped Us to deal and cope: OurMizGerre,
OurSistahOvella, TCBITWWW, OurMizCathy, Joe, and Doh, who, now that they have
been mentioned herein (heh), will be FB-messaged with those above.
Speaking of those above, it occurs to Us to
clarify that the groupings are not necessarily mutually exclusive. That is, no matter what group you are in, We
might be picturing you naked. Just a
heads up (or a “heads-up” (now We are imagining a condiment called “headsup”,
which is akin, linguistically at least, to catsup. (What it is akin to gastronomically, We haven’t
got any idea. (Hi, Jill!))))
We have moved into the glorious sign of
Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity. Our Aries video is above, and here is the
link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie
Starfish, for comparison:
Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We
need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited
Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:
According to Our celebrity birthday website,
it is the birthday of both Lady Gaga and wrestler Umaga. (If she married him, she
would be, presumably, Lady Gaga Umaga…
Ouga! Chaka! Ouga! Chaka!
Ouga! Chaka! Ouga! Chaka!
I
can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me.
Girl, you just don't realize
What you do to me….
Deep inside of me.
Girl, you just don't realize
What you do to me….
Sorry.)
And
now, because it has taken Us forever to get this far, A Reading From Madame
Olivia:
Greetings
Starzina ~
Madame
Olivia is very happy to have you back.
Madame
Olivia can see that you sometimes present a prickly exterior; people complain
about your unknowable interior. This is a problem for you, too: how can YOU get
to know yourself better? Madame Olivia seriously encourages you to meditate.
You're too busy, sure, so try a 30-second power meditation: just close your
eyes and let yourself sink into yourself. Listen to what's going on in there.
If you do this often enough, you will get to know you! Ironically, of course,
it will help you connect with others, too.
Dear
Aries, an opportunity for expansion is ahead, maybe in the earthly realm but
for sure in the inner-you realm. A new idea or concept or project will present
itself to you: embrace it! A growing maturity can ensue, maturity in the best
possible sense, in your case, both wise and frolicsome.
The
color light blue will carry meaning
Madame
Olivia has enjoyed her time with you today and wishes you all the best.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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