I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Thursday, January 24, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Alex, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  But only for the third or fourth time.  Amateur.   Also, Happy Birthday to Rob, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Colorado.  Which, as far as We are able to ascertain, is one of those large square states that make it so difficult to get to The Left Coast.  He has had more practice at it.

In other news, apparently it continues to be cold outside, facilitating the annual Chicken Versus Egg discussion as to which is colder, a witch’s tit or a preacher’s prick.  All things considered, We’re going to have to go with the witch’s tit, which is frequently referred to as being encased in a brass brassiere, as opposed to the preacher’s prick, which, depending upon the denomination of said preacher, is frequently encased in altar boy.

One has, perforce, to wonder who exactly would wear a brass brassiere, no matter what the weather is like.

Hey, EVERY day can’t be National Pie Day.  Give Us a break.

We Our Own Self Personally shall be in the studio a little later, banging out (heh) the next e-pissode of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes. Our hard-core fans (not that We’ve met any, but We hear they are both very nice) will have noticed A Missing E-Pissode…be assured that you will hear more on (heh…We said “moron”) this story as it develops.  (Hey, One can’t develop a cult following without A Missing E-Pissode.  (One also can’t develop a cult following if no one is paying attention, but that’s neither here nor Cher.)

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Every day, We go to a website listing the famous birthdays du jour, where they list the top fifty celebrities having a birthday that day.  We swear to you, today We recognize fewer names on that list of fifty than on any day in recent memory.  That said, Happy Birthday to Ernest Borgnine, and to Warren Zevon.  (Do you still have birthdays when you’re dead?)  Also, Happy Birthday to Oral Roberts.  Who the hell names their baby “Oral”?  What the hell was the matter with those parents?  And whatever happened to his brother, Anal?

 You are feeling greater responsibility for your actions — not that you ever really shirk!  (Pity that that “ehrmehgerd” meme has gone The Way Of The Dodo, or we might be tempted to sing…

Shirk-shirk-shirk

Shirk-shirk-shirk

Shirk yer birdie, shirk yer birdie…

(Sorry.))

You just realize how great the consequences can be, so you are more likely to chill out and do what’s right.  (Dass Us.  Chillin’ like Bob Dylan, in Our brass brassiere.  Somebody throw another altar boy on the fire, wouldja?)

Any issues that pop up (POP!)

around the house today won’t be terribly dramatic, but they do require your undivided attention. (Which is good, because We’re terrible at fractions.   But at least We know what they are.  Unlike fractals, which We haven’t got any idea.)

They represent a real change you need to make in yourself.  (Well, you could change “yourself” to “yes, flour”, but that really wouldn’t make any sense.)

(What?)

If there is a conflict over cleanliness, perhaps you need to get rid of the clutter in the emotional parts of your life?  (Oh, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli…so many C-words, so little time.  If you can guess the C-word We’re thinking of right now, We’ll call you it when We see you next Tuesday.)

Throwing out garbage doesn’t only refer to potato peels, old newspapers, and egg shells! (Is it just Us, or is there something overwhelmingly existential and sad about the phrase “old newspapers”? Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 Your negative feelings and self-doubt may need to get tossed to the curb, too!  (What, no recycling?)

Mothering becomes an issue. (Fine.  Here is a video in which Our mother appears.  And you wonder why We have issues:

It’s time to learn how to honor that mother energy and learn to nurture yourself. (Our titz are in a brass brassiere…how much self-nurturing can We do?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

He's the hairy, hairy gent, who ran amok in Kent

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMapQuestMonday, July 30, 2012.  Happy birthday to Brian, who turns twenty-four today, and who is about as likely to be reading this as We are likely to write the next sentence in Sanskrit.  ओउर मगिचाल् थिन्किन्ग, लेत उस शोव् इत तो यौ.  Shazam!

A local theater has put out a casting call.  They need one man for a production of Little Women.  Who wants to go with Us to opening night of THAT one-man show?

In other news, We are thinking that if you are looking at porn, and you are thinking, “That’s a really great comforter”, the porn may not be the best.

For fans of Breaking Bad: (there are NO SPOILERS HERE): last night’s show had a scene to which We shall refer as “the shut up scene”.  Once you have seen it, you will know to what scene We are referring.  We?  Feel like the character who said “shut up”.  All. The.  Time.

We just “liked” Prince Harry on SitOnOurFaceBook. We feel dirty.  Not as dirty, of course, as if We had (subjunctively) just “licked” Prince Harry on SitOnOurFaceBook, but still.  Dirty.  Then, of course, We had to go hunting about to see if We could also “like” Prince William on SitOnOurFaceBook.  Because We’re fair like that.  As of this writing, fifteen thousand more people “like” Prince Harry than “like” Prince William.  This won’t end well.

This just in from Ruth Buzzi on Twitter: “I just saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching my car into reverse and backing away from the scene of an accident.” (Yes, We DO follow Ruth Buzzi on Twitter.  If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, Our picture is there.)

We had a little time on Our hands over the weekend, so We set about inviting people to Make Fun Of Chik-Fil-A™ Day here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/501339676559826/ .  Do please join in if you haven’t already. Meanwhile, here are The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli And Friends, making fun of Chik-Fil-A™ professionally:

Meanwhile, remember when only The Kewl Kidz were on the InterNetz?  We actually had some conservative wingnut defriend Our assz on SitOnOurFaceBook after she got piled on for making some rude comment on the aforementioned event.  Lettuce imagine, for example, that We betook Our bleeding liberal heart to some Tea Party website, where they were discussing, say, their opposition to Obamacare.  Lettuce further imagine that, into said discussion, We introduced the comment, “Your views on Obamacare are very interesting, but Ayn Rand had a really bad haircut.”  Should We then be shocked, We tell you, SHOCKED when they pile on Us till We shut the hell up?  No, We should not, because We have violated just about every stricture of WorldWideInterWebNetzian etiquette. We have introduced irrelevance (Ayn Rand’s haircut), We have been patronizing (“Your views on Obamacare are very interesting”), and We have lied (“Your views on Obamacare are very interesting”), just to name three.

Did We mention that the conservative wingnut was Canadian?  Grow a pair.  Bitch.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Wait, wait, wait…Lisa Kudrow, Hilary Swank, and Delta Burke were ALL born today?  And it’s not a national holiday because…?

This is not a good time to sit around waiting for things to happen (So you’re saying nothing is going to happen?)

— you have to stir them up! (Shaken, not stirred.  Get with the program.)

You may find that your energy is perfect for moving forward with all sorts of crazy new schemes.  (We’re just waiting for Ethel Mertz to show up.)

 You are getting busier and busier, (Which is better than bustier and bustier.)

and there simply won’t be time to do everything you need to do right now.   (So We’ll just give up now, then.)

You need to sort things out and prioritize. (Maybe it’s just Us, but if there’s not going to be time for everything, that last bit sounds like the first thing to go.)

Take stock of your activities in order to figure out what responsibilities you can toss. (We already said…prioritization is the first thing to go.  Right after sorting things out.  And taking stock.  Taking stock is high on the list as well.)

(See what We did there?)

First, figure out how much time you spend thinking about what you are going to do. (So We’re going to spend precious time thinking about thinking about what We’re going to do?  This way lies madness.)

Then, figure out how much time you spend actually doing things. (So once We’re doen thinking about thinking about doing things, We’re supposed to think about doing things?)

(Does anyone else have a sick headache yet?  Abner?)

(Okay, seriously? Micro$oft Weird™ knows “Mertz” but not “Abner”?  Abner was not only the Stevens’s neighbor, ya know.  What about Abner Doubleday, the Father of Baseball?  (Didn’t think We’d know THAT one, didja?)  And what about Li’l Abner?)

(Okay, when We said “Li’l Abner” just then, how many of YouPeople’s thoughts went directly to Abner Kravitz’s penis?  Perverts.)

Tasks that require the most action should rise to the top of your ‘to do’ list.  (Cream rises.  On the other hand, shit floats.  For every axiomatic maxim, there is an equal and contradictory maximatic axiom.  Quod erat Dame Judith Anderson.)

(What?)

Stop living among the ghosts of the past. (And start living among the Werewolves of London.  Then you can have pina coladas at Trader Vic’s.  And your hair will be perfect.)

(Ah-OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Warren Zevon.)

What happened in high school or even yesterday doesn’t matter.  (Wait, We were in high school yesterday?  Somebody better get Our attorney on the phone…)

 Nobody really cares about all that, (Oh, well, then…)

and neither should you. (Who cares?)

Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were wrong.)

Keep your side of the street clean.  (Fine.  If anyone wants Us, We’ll be outside flinging poo at the neighbors.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

He’s just an excitable boy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, March 07, 2011.  You would no doubt imagine that, not having reported in for three days, We would have ever so much to talk about.  You would be wrong.  However, in the interest of making your lives seem ever so much better by comparison, We shall  tell you about Our weekend here at Casa de Crotchrot.  Friday night, We cleaned Our oven.  (No, Ducks; Our ACTUAL oven; that was not a euphemism.)  Saturday, We ran the dishwasher, then went off to the Italian Market to buy cheap food.  Upon returning, We discovered that the catch on the little trapdoor that allows the magic dishwasher pellet to escape and magically clean the dishes had not come uncaught, and We proceeded to wash a whole bunch of not-quite-so-clean dishes by hand (non-magically).  This somehow managed to cause Us to lapse into an early coma, from which We arose on Sunday to make gravy, because we live in Souf Philly, and We are apparently an Eye-talian grandmother.

Please try not to faint from the glamour of it all.

Himself, meanwhile, was off in the monsoon at rehearsal for the WaitStaff’s upcoming debut at Helium on the 16^th.  Here would be where you would buy tickets if you were (subjunctively) going to show up:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382  Not, of course, that We will hold Our breath.  (Actually, We sold Our breath.  On eBay.  For sausage money.  (No, Ducks, ACTUAL sausage; that was not a euphemism.))

And that is all We know.  And We wouldn’t even have bovvered, except that, for the next two days, We have Daytime Activities which will be keeping Us away from the computer.  And We didn’t want you to miss Us TOO badly, and wail, and gnash your teeth, and carry on, as you are wont to do.  Mighty white of Us, no?

Les Horoscopes (it’s like Les Miserables, except, instead of miserable, it’s a horoscope.  Well, a miserable horoscope, but still (we’re not quite sure why there’s more than one, but then, it’s Frawnch, and We don’t speak Frawnch. (Victor Hugo WISHES he wrote this horoscope.)))

Try something spontaneous today.  (Oh, indeed.  We’ll put that on the schedule straightaway.)

Ask someone out, (Mmm-hmm.  You should SEE our calendar for the next week or so.  There’ll be precious little “asking out” about it.)

take a side trip or just speak out at that meeting even if you’re low in the hierarchy. (Good lord, even Our HOROSCOPE is boring.)

 Your great energy (Are you talking to Us?)

should see you through!  (Oh, We’re through, alright.)

All signs are pointing to a fantastic new beginning for you (“Beginning” is an odd word, innit?  It’d be more interesting if the first G were (subjunctively) softened.  Then We could replace it with a simpler noun form, “begina”.  (Not to rhyme with “Regina”, but to rhyme with “vagina”.  (If I had Aladdin’s lamp for only a day, I’d make a wish and here’s what I’d say: Nothing could be finer than to be in your vagina in the mo-o-o-rning.)))

(What the hell just happened?)

  — and a long journey or a geographical change could be coming soon. (How exactly would a long journey DIFFER from a geographical change?  And, more importantly, did We have a stroke earlier?)

If a trip is already planned, expect it to go incredibly well. (And, if it’s not planned, expect it to go even better.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

An upgrade may be involved. (Clearly, there’s a C plus in  Our future.)

Prepare yourself for unexpected luxury.  (See, that SOUNDS like it would be good.  But We’ve been reading  these things (and living Our life) long enough to know that “unexpected luxury” means We’re gonna be run over by a caviar truck.)

A financial payoff is due today, too, and it’s one you should share with the people you love.  (We did find fifteen cents on the street on Saturday. Do you want the nickel of the dime?)

Invite a few friends out to dinner and surprise them by footing the bill.  (Alternatively, invite  a few friends out to dinner and rub the pot roast all over your chest.  (Ah-oooo, werewolves of London…kiss Us quick, We’re Warren Zevon.))

(Clearly, a stroke.)

As teachers and parents say, only boring people get bored. (You mean, as STUPID teachers and STUPID parents say, only boring people get bored.  Or more to the point,  as teachers and parents who haven’t read this horoscope say…)

Show off your free-spirited side to impress someone you want to know better. (Won’t they be upset when We show ‘m Our Playtex™ Free Spirit bra!)

Keep them guessing! (By stressing Debra Messing’s ranch dressing.)

(What?)

*****************************************************************************    

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.