Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMapQuestMonday, July 30, 2012. Happy birthday to Brian, who turns twenty-four today, and who is about as likely to be reading this as We are likely to write the next sentence in Sanskrit. ओउर मगिचाल् थिन्किन्ग, लेत उस शोव् इत तो यौ. Shazam!
A local theater has put out a casting call. They need one man for a production of Little Women. Who wants to go with Us to opening night of THAT one-man show?
In other news, We are thinking that if you are looking at porn, and you are thinking, “That’s a really great comforter”, the porn may not be the best.
For fans of Breaking Bad: (there are NO SPOILERS HERE): last night’s show had a scene to which We shall refer as “the shut up scene”. Once you have seen it, you will know to what scene We are referring. We? Feel like the character who said “shut up”. All. The. Time.
We just “liked” Prince Harry on SitOnOurFaceBook. We feel dirty. Not as dirty, of course, as if We had (subjunctively) just “licked” Prince Harry on SitOnOurFaceBook, but still. Dirty. Then, of course, We had to go hunting about to see if We could also “like” Prince William on SitOnOurFaceBook. Because We’re fair like that. As of this writing, fifteen thousand more people “like” Prince Harry than “like” Prince William. This won’t end well.
This just in from Ruth Buzzi on Twitter: “I just saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching my car into reverse and backing away from the scene of an accident.” (Yes, We DO follow Ruth Buzzi on Twitter. If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, Our picture is there.)
We had a little time on Our hands over the weekend, so We set about inviting people to Make Fun Of Chik-Fil-A™ Day here: http://www.facebook.com/events/501339676559826/ . Do please join in if you haven’t already. Meanwhile, here are The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli And Friends, making fun of Chik-Fil-A™ professionally:
Meanwhile, remember when only The Kewl Kidz were on the InterNetz? We actually had some conservative wingnut defriend Our assz on SitOnOurFaceBook after she got piled on for making some rude comment on the aforementioned event. Lettuce imagine, for example, that We betook Our bleeding liberal heart to some Tea Party website, where they were discussing, say, their opposition to Obamacare. Lettuce further imagine that, into said discussion, We introduced the comment, “Your views on Obamacare are very interesting, but Ayn Rand had a really bad haircut.” Should We then be shocked, We tell you, SHOCKED when they pile on Us till We shut the hell up? No, We should not, because We have violated just about every stricture of WorldWideInterWebNetzian etiquette. We have introduced irrelevance (Ayn Rand’s haircut), We have been patronizing (“Your views on Obamacare are very interesting”), and We have lied (“Your views on Obamacare are very interesting”), just to name three.
Did We mention that the conservative wingnut was Canadian? Grow a pair. Bitch.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Wait, wait, wait…Lisa Kudrow, Hilary Swank, and Delta Burke were ALL born today? And it’s not a national holiday because…?
This is not a good time to sit around waiting for things to happen (So you’re saying nothing is going to happen?)
— you have to stir them up! (Shaken, not stirred. Get with the program.)
You may find that your energy is perfect for moving forward with all sorts of crazy new schemes. (We’re just waiting for Ethel Mertz to show up.)
You are getting busier and busier, (Which is better than bustier and bustier.)
and there simply won’t be time to do everything you need to do right now. (So We’ll just give up now, then.)
You need to sort things out and prioritize. (Maybe it’s just Us, but if there’s not going to be time for everything, that last bit sounds like the first thing to go.)
Take stock of your activities in order to figure out what responsibilities you can toss. (We already said…prioritization is the first thing to go. Right after sorting things out. And taking stock. Taking stock is high on the list as well.)
(See what We did there?)
First, figure out how much time you spend thinking about what you are going to do. (So We’re going to spend precious time thinking about thinking about what We’re going to do? This way lies madness.)
Then, figure out how much time you spend actually doing things. (So once We’re doen thinking about thinking about doing things, We’re supposed to think about doing things?)
(Does anyone else have a sick headache yet? Abner?)
(Okay, seriously? Micro$oft Weird™ knows “Mertz” but not “Abner”? Abner was not only the Stevens’s neighbor, ya know. What about Abner Doubleday, the Father of Baseball? (Didn’t think We’d know THAT one, didja?) And what about Li’l Abner?)
(Okay, when We said “Li’l Abner” just then, how many of YouPeople’s thoughts went directly to Abner Kravitz’s penis? Perverts.)
Tasks that require the most action should rise to the top of your ‘to do’ list. (Cream rises. On the other hand, shit floats. For every axiomatic maxim, there is an equal and contradictory maximatic axiom. Quod erat Dame Judith Anderson.)
Stop living among the ghosts of the past. (And start living among the Werewolves of London. Then you can have pina coladas at Trader Vic’s. And your hair will be perfect.)
(Kiss Us quick, We’re Warren Zevon.)
What happened in high school or even yesterday doesn’t matter. (Wait, We were in high school yesterday? Somebody better get Our attorney on the phone…)
Nobody really cares about all that, (Oh, well, then…)
and neither should you. (Who cares?)
Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were wrong.)
Keep your side of the street clean. (Fine. If anyone wants Us, We’ll be outside flinging poo at the neighbors.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.