Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, July 05, 2012. Happy birthday to Our American Cousin Jonetta, who turns twenty-four today.
This is the way the world ends: if you want wavy bangs, use your crimper.
That just came to Us, unbidden, fully formed, as if We were (subjunctively) being guided. Now We know how Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Ringo felt when they wrote The Bible. And the Abbey Road album.
(Seriously, Micro$oft Weird™? “Ringo” is not a word? How do you think he feels when he sees you letting John, Paul, and George slide? And, as if that weren’t (subjunctively) bad enough, as a spelling correction suggestion, you offer “Ingo”. Ingo Rademacher is a soap opera actor; Ringo Starr was a fucking Beatle. Get your priorities together, Bee-Yotch.)
We trust you all had a lovely In Depends™ day yesterday, sliding your wieners into buns and such. (Oh, relax. Big Long Wiener Joke Day was yesterday. Clearly today, Our e-pisstulations are being directed by A Higher Power…)
The bombs bursting in air
And the old Frigidaire
Eighty proof won’t ignite
If there’s cum in your hair…
Good heavens, We shall be speaking in tongues next! Send Ingo Rademacher over at once! (Yeah, but seriously…have you SEEN Ringo Starr lately?)
(See how We manage to weave all of Our threads together? Kinda like a tapestry. Just imagine if We actually had something to say.)
Speaking of having nothing to say, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around. So get your tickets NOW, HERE: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Okay, We need to wrap this up quickly, folks. We just found out that it is Edie Falco’s birthday, and We don’t have a THING to wear.
You have the power to succeed today (That’s the power of Pine-Sol™, baby.)
— even if it feels like you’re losing ground. (It’s like We’re losing Our minds…)
Just keep pushing yourself. (Honey, We can’t even give it away; what the hell makes you think anybody’s gonna PAY for it?)
Things may look dark early in the morning, (And they’ll probably look dark again once it’s night time. AssHat.)
but by tonight you should see a glimmer of hope. (And some soap-on-a-rope, shaped like the Pope.)
(Do they still make soap-on-a-rope?)
(Naturally, being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really…who wants to know?), We just Googled “soap-on-a-rope” on Wikipedia. Suffice it to say, there is a http://soaponarope.com/ for all your soap-on-a-rope needs. (Does anyone actually have “soap-on-a-rope needs”? And, if so, how very, very sad.))
Someone’s opportunistic tendencies are sometimes helpful for you, and sometimes a hindrance. (On the other hand, avoid people with opportunistic infections like the plague.)
(Heh. “Like the plague”. See what We did there?)
Be careful not to always be standing behind them, ready to grab on to their coattails. (Go right past their coattails and slide your wiener into their buns.)
(Ooops, sorry; that was yesterday.)
(Meanwhile, if Ingo Rademacher married Orville Redenbacher…they would most likely cancel General Hospital.)
If you get too out of practice when it comes to making your own opportunities, you won’t be able to be as independent as you might need to be in the near future. (Nope, “independent” was yesterday too. Try to keep up.)
Step away from the big personalities today (It was the pictures that got small.)
(We had faces then. And they seated five or six.)
(Why they never let Gloria Swanson finish that line, We’ll never know.)
(We shall pause here, to give the str8 bois a chance to figger out what We’re talking about.)
— go your own way (Make your own kind of Muzak, sling your own special schlong…)
and try to open a few doors yourself. (Try it using your butt crack…it’s a really cool party trick.)
It will be tough, but rewarding. (That Depends™ on how many wieners you’ve had.)
You secretly envy someone's so-called perfect relationship, but what you fail to realize is this: Nothing is as it seems. (We fail? But right at the beginning, you told Us We would succeed. Were We TRYING to fail?)
Problems abound, always -- don't forget that. (No, We’re pretty sure We’re not bloody likely to forget THAT.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.