Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, July 2th, 2012. (Apparently, We have a lithp now.) We trutht you all had a very thpecial (oh, fuck…let’s just knock that off, shall We?) Canada Day yesterday, and are busily making preparations for your Fourth of Joo-Lye celebrations. Here at Casa de CrackWhore, there is, of course, never a dull moment…Zzzzzzzzzzz….
(Oooops…sorry; Our attention wandered. (We were going to say “Our mind wandered”, but that wandered off years ago.))
This just in: Anderson Cooper is gay. Who knew? Besides, well, ya know, EVERYONE.
In actual news, We spent some time this past weekend contemplating how total strangers wind up on these hallowed pages, as occasioned by Our latest page to trend: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/hes-very-nice-prince.html (In case you didn’t feel like clicking through, it’s the page with the picture of Prince William in a Speedo™…(Hey, where’d everybody go?)) Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that searchers are getting there by Googling “Prince William naked”, which he most certainly is not. If you want to find “Prince William naked”, there are several blurry pictures of him out there, holding his royal willy in his hand, having a regal outdoor pee. But not on OUR pages, which are ever the epitome of taste and decency. (Which sounds for all the world like a Gilbert and Sullivan song, no?) However, now that We’ve typed “Prince William naked” repeatedly in THIS e-pisstle, We shall no doubt have flummoxed some of the salacious searchers, who shall turn up here and find not only not “Prince William naked”, but also not “Prince William with his prince junior wrapped in a Speedo™”.
We almost feel as though We should try to find a picture of Prince Harry naked to compensate them for their trouble…
(We may or may not have just Googled “Prince Harry naked”…)
Other things that are bringing searchers to Our pages (other than Our scintillating wit and Yoda-like wisdom) are even more disturbing. (Not that We find “Prince William naked” particularly disturbing Our Own Self.) For example, “melts in your mouth not in your pants”. What does that even MEAN? And then there’s “Werner Klemperer shirtless”, which, while We may have penned an e-pisstle containing both “Werner Klemperer” and “shirtless” at some point, We have certainly never put together as one phrase. And We shan’t even deign to comment upon “funny anal fuck photos”, and the sort of lowlife riffraff that has no doubt brought to darken Our door.
Sigh. It is not easy, being a WorldWideInterWebNetzian celebutard.
Speaking of celebutards, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should): http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Oh, see, now. Happy Lindsay Lohan’s birthday, everybody. Ordinarily, there’d be no excuse for smoking crack on a Monday, but…
You can’t help but see things your way — even if everyone else is determined to see things in their own incorrect way. (We keep trying to tell people…)
Speak up and wait for them to catch up with your perspective. (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)
(That joke just Does. Not. Get. Old.)
Going along with the rest of the crowd can be fun and always helps to avoid conflict, but it certainly is not a philosophy to live your entire life by! (That entirely depends on who’s in your crowd. If it’s, say, Prince William and Prince Harry, one or more of whom is naked, We’d say, “go with the crowd”. On the other hand, if it’s Werner Klemperer and Lindsay Lohan, We’re thinking not so much.)
(Are We the only one who is now picturing Werner Klemperer and Lindsay Lohan together? No good will come of this…)
(“Prince Harry naked”, “Prince Harry naked”, “Prince Harry naked”.)
Today, avoid groupthink.(Also, avoid poopthink. (We probably didn’t need to tell you that, but better safe than sorry.))
Exercise (Have you met Us?)
your independent thought a little bit more often. (Well, since We apparently only have the one, We don’t want to wear it out.)
You don’t have to disagree with popular opinion just for the sake of it, (Oh, yes, We do.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
but you shouldn’t just give in, either. (Once again, that depends on how many naked princes are involved.)
Make sure you’re thinking things through in a way that satisfies your own criteria, not anyone else’s. (Because, at the end of the day, what We really want is a satisfied criteria.)
Do what’s right for you. (Fine. Get Us the number for Buckingham Palace.)
You have a tendency to make others squirm, particularly when it’s one on one. (You say that as though it’s a bad thing?)
Now’s a good day to tone down your intensity — just to make people feel a bit more at ease. (Yeah. THAT could happen.)
Simply turn the conversation on them; (But enough about Us…what do YOU think of Us?)
encourage the other person to talk while you listen. (Sorry…what did you say?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.