Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WedNezDay, July 4, 2012. We know most of you are busy getting your wieners ready to stick in your buns (and why, if you can stick your own wieners in your own buns, you would ever leave your house again is quite beyond Us), but We thought We’d just pop in to wish you all a Happy In Depends™ Day. Here’s hoping things don’t get too squishy too early on.
Also, happy birthday to Our American Cousin, Jennifer, who turns twenty-four today. Also also, happy birthday to Danny, who also turns twenty-four today. Many of Our Faithful Gentle Readers will remember Danny from the Touched By An Angel e-pissode of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope, in which he played The Angel, and We played Della Reese. And here, in case you feel the need to touch yourself while looking at an angel, it is:
In other news, you will be shrilled and ignited to know that We are no longer unhinged! Our Sistah Ovella took Us to the Homo Depot yesterday to pick up said hinges, then We came home, strapped on Our lesbian toolbelts, and screwed said hinges to the crack.
(What? Oh, sure; holler at Us for saying “strap-on” and “screwing in the crack” while YOU’RE sitting there with your wiener in your buns.)
Speaking of wieners, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should): http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Play it safe today (Indeed. Don’t mix up your firecrackers and your wieners.)
(Today’s horoscope, you may have noticed, is one big, long wiener joke.)
(Heh. We said, “big, long wiener”.)
(Oooops, We did it again.)
— not that that’s the best way to have fun. (Fine. Then We WON’T sing you the Armour™ hotdogs jingle now.)
You just have to keep at least one foot on the ground if you want to keep life as interesting as it can be. (Oh, sure. We get in trouble for wiener jokes, then YOU bring up naked Twister™.)
Get help if you need it! (We already told you…We are no longer unhinged.)
While your ambition is usually something that helps you be in the right place at the right time, today your drive for success could send you right over a cliff! (Apparently, We shall have to be both Thelma and Louise. Is it gonna be a problem that We have no car?)
Be cautious about voicing your opinions right now, (What a stupid thing to say!)
(See what We did there?)
because the allies you used to always be able to count on for support (Jigga what?)
are not necessarily on your side this time. (So what you’re saying, essentially, is that Our imaginary friends have deserted Us.)
Of course, that doesn’t mean you are wrong (Of course. We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken.)
— but it does mean that political games are going to be a bit trickier to play today than they usually are. (Isn’t The Gummint closed today?)
Using someone to get what or who you want in the realm of romance might work short-term, but it ain’t gonna do your overall love karma any favors. (Hey, whatever slides your wiener into your buns.)
Keep your heart in the right place and do the right thing. (This almost inspired a long, involved joke about doing the Hokey-Pokey with internal organs, but then We decided We couldn’t be bothered.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.