One two three four tell the people what she wore

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThursday, June 6, 2013.  Happy D-Day to all of you stutterers out there.  Also, Happy Birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit in Wilmington, Delaware. Which, as We learned yesterday, is The Banana Import Capital of North America.  Thanks to Frank for keeping Us educational like that.  (No, “Banana Import” is not a euphemism.)  Also also, Happy Birthday to James, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, but who is awfully cute, so We shall forgive him.

Heh.  “Stutterers”.  We kill Us.

In other news, probably because it was Marky Mark’s birthday, yesterday went really, really well.  Like, frighteningly so.  And that is all We are going to say about that, because, if The Universe overhears Us and finds out about it, We shall no doubt be hit by a bus.  In Our very own kitchen.

Quickly changing the subject (and thereby, obviously, distracting The Universe), you may have noticed today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus OMiGod Here Comes A Bus!  Not, certainly, that there is anything unusual about Us displaying a pixture of a handsome young gentleman in a Speedo™, but in this instance (A.) We are acquainted with said young gentleman and (2.) We are posting the pixture in aid of a worthy cause.

To explain, the handsome young gentleman in question is Our former ex-son-in-law/future ex-husband and/or nursing home attendant, The Lovely And Talented IceyPop.  If you follow this link: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=614986035179564&set=a.614981671846667.1073741830.125423000802539&type=1&theater you will find said pixture on SitOnOurFaceBook, where, by liking and sharing same, you will aid The Lovely And Talented Mister Pop in his quest to win a free trip to Las Vegas.  He will no doubt NOT take his former ex-mother-in-law on this trip, but We are feeling altruistic today.  Plus, Speedo™.

This little e-pissode has caused Us to reflect on Our ex-sons-in-law, of whom We have a veritable battalion.  Which is not to say that Our daughter was a big ol’ slut, but, on the other hand, no grass grew under her.  As it (subjunctively) were.  Whatever the hell THAT means.  They are, for the most part, lovely gentlemen (both in appearance and deportment), although We may have developed some selective memory in Our declining years.

The one problem, of course, with ex-sons-in-law, is that they are not compelled to send alimony.  At least not to Us.  Sigh.

In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

Speaking of famous gay people, it is Harvey Fierstein’s birthday.

Try not to push too hard, (Also, push not to try too hard.  Also also, push push in the bush.)

but it’s a great time to advocate for your most important values. (Wait…is it Double Coupon Day?  Nobody ever tells Us anything!)

Things are looking good,  (Countless hours in the gym and a tight blue Speedo™ will have that effect on “things”.  Just sayin’.)

which means that it’s the right time to check your heart to see if it’s on your side.  (See if Our heart’s on Our side?  Is that like Our heart on Our sleeve?  What the fuck are you TALKING about, Kelli?  WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!)

It’s time to think about what’s important to you (Alimony, Speedos™…what else is there?)

 — but then, you don’t need to be told that. (And yet, you’ve told Us anyway.  Asshat.)

It’s probably been next to impossible for you to focus on anything else. (Honey, if it’s not impossible, it’s possible.  Proximity ain’t  got nothin’ to do with it.)

If there’s any way to excuse yourself from a situation that requires you to act other than how you really feel, better make arrangements bright and early to be unavailable.  (Wow.  That sentence was deep.  Not very meaningful, but really deep.  Kinda like Uranus.)

 If a situation demands your presence, get in and out as quickly as you can.    (Surely, she means “get in and out AS MANY TIMES as you can”?  Or are We talking about two different things?)

Are you craving permanence? (Well, for a little while, anyway.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Oh, please.  Helen Keller saw what We did there.  She had Stevie Wonder write a song about it, and then Marcel Marceau sang it to Marlee Matlin.)

(Extra credit if you are now picturing that chain of events.)

A connection to the past could help you feel more grounded, which is good for you right now. (A connection to the future, on the other hand, could help you play the stock market successfully, especially if you, like We, are too old to be grounded.)

Browse antique sites or look through old family pictures for something with serious history.   (Okay, was that an old people joke?  Are you saying We’re dating Ourself?  (We have to; nobody else will.)  Or are you saying We’re carbon-dating Ourself?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

My dick in a box

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, April 25, 2013.  Only eight more shopping months till Christmas.  Happy Birthday to Our Manhattanese Sistah, Asphyxia-8, who turns twenty-four today in Manhattanesia.  Also, Happy Anzac Day to all of Our Gentle Readers Down Undah in Australia and New Zealand. Anzac Day is, of course, nowhere near as much fun as Administrative Profanity Day, but fuck it.

Alternatively, butt fuck it.  Now THERE’S some administrative profanity.

So for the third evening in a row, We walked Our extra large ass all the way to Center City.  Monday, you will recall, We walked all the way to Drexel.  Tuesday, We walked all the way to dinner.  (How it is that Our ass is still so fat that it eclipses the sun is beyond Us. (Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “Our ass is so fat” to “Our ass is so fast”.   Clearly, Micro$oft Weird™ has not seen Our ass move recently.  (We feel the earth. Move. Under Our ass. We feel the sky, tumbling down, tumbling down.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Carole Simon Carly King.))))

Sorry…We’ve digressed.

At any rate, last night we walked Ourself all the way to Center City yet again to earn stars on Our crown in Heaven by seeing one of Our young colleagues’ cabaret.  We were anticipating, of course, That Cabaret That We’ve All Seen And Loathed, in which earnest young theatre students screech at the outer limits of the human vocal spectrum before finally busting out some Sondheim song cut from the third act of an unproduced musical in a key that only dogs can hear.  This cabaret generally features Some Soprano With An Unfortunate Glandular Condition who sings Glitter and Be Gay, That Song From Cats, and I’m Anne Hathaway, Give Me My Oscar™ Now from No Less Miserable.  She is aided and abetted by The Gay Boy Who Made All The Costumes, A Comic Alto Whose Solos Are All Alternately Sharp Or Flat But Who Can Sing Any Harmony, and Some Hot Guy Who Can’t Really Sing But Is There Because Everyone Wants In His Pants.

This was NOT That Cabaret.

Our first clue that We would not be suffering was when We learned that the director was someone We have known for years, who has directed Us Our Own Self Personally, and who certainly would never permit any of the aforementioned crimes against taste and decency.  You cannot imagine what a wonderful time We had, how many (many, many) times We laughed out loud, and how We wish We could figger out how to get this show seen by a whole lot more people in a much better venue.

At any rate, We are SitOnMyFaceBook-stalking the responsible parties, and will keep an eye peeled (eeeeuuuuwwww!!!) for their future endeavors.

On a related note, speaking of Anne Hathaway and No Less Miserable, please go here for Our review of same: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/everybody-raise-glass-raise-it-up.html

Speaking of “on Tuesday there was a naked guy from Minnesota where Mary Tyler Moore threw up her hat, on Wednesday there was a G-stringed stripper from Jersey, meanwhile, did We mention the guitar player?”, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video, and We could not wait to Cher.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

 In other news, it is Ella Fitzgerald’s birthday.  Insert your favorite scat joke here.

Just pay attention to what people are saying today  (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Oh, please.  Helen Keller saw what We did there.  She signed it to Ray Charles, and he sang a song about it to Marlee Matlin.)

(Our political correctnesses…let Us show them to you.)

— don’t try to read too much into their plain words. (We are endeavoring now to imagine what UNplain words are.  Phantasmagoria… onomatopoeia…Madagascar…)

It’s a good day for compromise, (No it isn’t.)

even if nobody seems willing to make the first step.  (It’s just a jump to the left…)

The universe is amplifying your charm level right now (Always after Our fucking charms…they’re spastically meretricious.)

(Is that goddamn leprechaun in here AGAIN?  Ella Fitzgerald is gonna be PISSED.  (POOPED?))

(We told you to insert a scat joke.  YouPeople never listen.)

— and many people are intrigued by what you have to offer!  (There is no doubt a line forming around the block.)

This doesn’t necessarily apply to your romantic life, (Well, of course not.  We might ENJOY that.)

it might mean that you’re getting more positive attention at work or at school. (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…)

Enjoy what you’ve got going on in your life right now. (And what exactly would that be?)

 If you’re with someone, do something low-key and relaxing.  (In keeping with Our running theme, this would be the opposite of Glittering And Being Gay.)

If you’re solo, celebrate how wonderful it is to have so many options and journeys still ahead of you.  (Wow.  Is it just Us, or was that sentence the equivalent of referring to The Fat Girl by saying, “But she has such a pretty face”?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Rollin’ on the river

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThird’sDay (and Lovey), March 28, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Andy, who turns twenty-four today Somewhere In Suburbia.  Also, Happy Birthday to Alan, who doesn’t EVEN turn twenty-four today, Somewhere In Urbia.

Our Google Chrome™ WorldWideInterWebNetzian browser would like Us to know that it has been updated “with a bettar spellchecker”.  Thanx, Googel Chroam!

In other news, much like all of the best-laid plans of mice and men to get laid but not necessarily by each other, Our fame-seeking-missile plan to release a sex tape has already gang agley, as it (subjunctively) were. This should come as no surprise to any Gentle Reader with two brain cells to rub together, dependent as said plan was upon Our obtaining Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown and wearing it with one leg clean-shaven and one leg unshaven within sex-tape-leaking proximity of Brad Pitt and a random Jonas Brother.

(If you have absolutely no idea what We’re talking about, We shall wait right here while you go and read yesterday’s e-pisstle to the E-phesians: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/03/and-let-me-kiss-you.html  Because trust Us, the nothing that We had yesterday was really something compared to the nothing that We have today.)

Meanwhile, We should be moving this right along, as We have dinner plans.  Which should mean absolutely nothing at this hour of the morning, except that the plans involve Us cooking. We are making dinner for two of the ever-dwindling number of people who would pee on Us if We were (subjunctively) on fire. Ordinarily, We prefer Our dinner guests one at a time, so that We can attempt to talk them into making a leaky sex tape during dessert, but desperate mimes call for Desperate Housewives, so here We are.

(In other news, because We are certain that you, like We, are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really….who wants to know?), We would like to inform you that, if you Google “Richard Leakey sex tape” on Wikipedia?  You get no results.  (Thank GAWD!))

(Perhaps We didn’t spell it properly.)

(Ah, so.  The intertwining of the jokes.  But We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)

It has just come to Our (severely limited) attention that it is Maundy Thursday, which commemorates The Last Supper.  Hmmm…perhaps, during Our dinner party this evening, We shall wash each others’ feet.  Now THERE’S a leaky sex tape just waiting to happen! (In other news, albeit a bit late in the day, the Catholic Archbishop of New Orleans would like you to know that, on Fridays during Lent, and other days on which the eating of meat is forbidden, One MAY eat alligator.  Because it is a fish.  Or something:  http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2013/03/27/175058833/forget-fish-fridays-in-louisiana-gator-is-on-the-lenten-menu  So much for that pesky taxonomy science.)

As you can see, We got plenty o’ nothin’.  And nothin’s plenty for We Wee Wee all the way home is where the hard-on is…(Sorry.) So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined: 

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

In other news, Happy Birthday to Conchata Ferrell.  (You thought We were gonna say “Lady GaGa”, didn’t’cha?  Eric’s! Daily!Horoscope!: expect the unexpectorated.)

Listen carefully  (Sorry…did you say something?)

— your mate, business partner or closest family member is trying to tell you something. (Well, which one is it?  What the hell kind of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) prediction izzat?)

You have to read between the lines, (Aw, hell, Kelli…the way you blather on, We have enough trouble trying to figger out the lines their own selves.)

which isn’t entirely comfortable, but you can figure it out.  (Don’t MAKE Us come over there.)

 There seems to be a trend going on around you.  (That’s generally the way things go.  AssHat.)

(We would say “See what We did there?”, but Helen Keller saw what We did there, and wrote a song on the waffle iron for Marlee Matlin to sing about it.)

People are using their charm (Don’t’cha just hate people who only have one charm?)

to get what they want while you are doing things the old fashioned way — (Having the servants flog them senseless , then fling them over the parapet into the moat?)

(Hey, you do things YOUR old-fashioned way, We’ll do things OURS.)

(Lest you think We have neglected The Intertwining Of The Jokes, there are alligators in that there moat.)

you are working for them!  (Them who?)

Instead of getting yourself all worked up over this unfairness, why not consider joining in on the game?  (Because We left Our jockstrap at Brad Pitt’s house?)

After all, you have ten times more charm than anybody else has right now, (Aw, shucks.)

so why not utilize (Or use. Either one.)

 it to open doors, start conversation with important people, and help you get one step closer to reaching your goals?  (But then what would We complain about?)

If you’ve had something in mind for a while, romantically speaking, now’s the time to take some action.  (Indeed.  It is The Last Supper, after all.)

Go ahead and try out the online personals or a friendly fix-up, (A “friendly fix-up”, Kelli?  Seriously?  Like that’s NOT just a euFFFemism for fucking.)

and set some wheels in motion. (Big wheel keep on turnin’, Proud Mary keep on burnin’.)

(What?  If We shave BOTH legs, We can do Our Tina Turner impression.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.