Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThursday, June 6, 2013. Happy D-Day to all of you stutterers out there. Also, Happy Birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit in Wilmington, Delaware. Which, as We learned yesterday, is The Banana Import Capital of North America. Thanks to Frank for keeping Us educational like that. (No, “Banana Import” is not a euphemism.) Also also, Happy Birthday to James, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, but who is awfully cute, so We shall forgive him.
Heh. “Stutterers”. We kill Us.
In other news, probably because it was Marky Mark’s birthday, yesterday went really, really well. Like, frighteningly so. And that is all We are going to say about that, because, if The Universe overhears Us and finds out about it, We shall no doubt be hit by a bus. In Our very own kitchen.
Quickly changing the subject (and thereby, obviously, distracting The Universe), you may have noticed today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus OMiGod Here Comes A Bus! Not, certainly, that there is anything unusual about Us displaying a pixture of a handsome young gentleman in a Speedo™, but in this instance (A.) We are acquainted with said young gentleman and (2.) We are posting the pixture in aid of a worthy cause.
To explain, the handsome young gentleman in question is Our former ex-son-in-law/future ex-husband and/or nursing home attendant, The Lovely And Talented IceyPop. If you follow this link: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=614986035179564&set=a.614981671846667.1073741830.125423000802539&type=1&theater you will find said pixture on SitOnOurFaceBook, where, by liking and sharing same, you will aid The Lovely And Talented Mister Pop in his quest to win a free trip to Las Vegas. He will no doubt NOT take his former ex-mother-in-law on this trip, but We are feeling altruistic today. Plus, Speedo™.
This little e-pissode has caused Us to reflect on Our ex-sons-in-law, of whom We have a veritable battalion. Which is not to say that Our daughter was a big ol’ slut, but, on the other hand, no grass grew under her. As it (subjunctively) were. Whatever the hell THAT means. They are, for the most part, lovely gentlemen (both in appearance and deportment), although We may have developed some selective memory in Our declining years.
The one problem, of course, with ex-sons-in-law, is that they are not compelled to send alimony. At least not to Us. Sigh.
In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
And now the HorrorScopes:
Speaking of famous gay people, it is Harvey Fierstein’s birthday.
Try not to push too hard, (Also, push not to try too hard. Also also, push push in the bush.)
but it’s a great time to advocate for your most important values. (Wait…is it Double Coupon Day? Nobody ever tells Us anything!)
Things are looking good, (Countless hours in the gym and a tight blue Speedo™ will have that effect on “things”. Just sayin’.)
which means that it’s the right time to check your heart to see if it’s on your side. (See if Our heart’s on Our side? Is that like Our heart on Our sleeve? What the fuck are you TALKING about, Kelli? WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!)
It’s time to think about what’s important to you (Alimony, Speedos™…what else is there?)
— but then, you don’t need to be told that. (And yet, you’ve told Us anyway. Asshat.)
It’s probably been next to impossible for you to focus on anything else. (Honey, if it’s not impossible, it’s possible. Proximity ain’t got nothin’ to do with it.)
If there’s any way to excuse yourself from a situation that requires you to act other than how you really feel, better make arrangements bright and early to be unavailable. (Wow. That sentence was deep. Not very meaningful, but really deep. Kinda like Uranus.)
If a situation demands your presence, get in and out as quickly as you can. (Surely, she means “get in and out AS MANY TIMES as you can”? Or are We talking about two different things?)
Are you craving permanence? (Well, for a little while, anyway.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
(Oh, please. Helen Keller saw what We did there. She had Stevie Wonder write a song about it, and then Marcel Marceau sang it to Marlee Matlin.)
(Extra credit if you are now picturing that chain of events.)
A connection to the past could help you feel more grounded, which is good for you right now. (A connection to the future, on the other hand, could help you play the stock market successfully, especially if you, like We, are too old to be grounded.)
Browse antique sites or look through old family pictures for something with serious history. (Okay, was that an old people joke? Are you saying We’re dating Ourself? (We have to; nobody else will.) Or are you saying We’re carbon-dating Ourself?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.