Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, June Thirdteenst, TwennyTurdTeen. Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Diane, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in sunny Florida. Also, Happy Birthday to David, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in (presumably not-so-)sunny Chicago. Also also, Happy Birthday to Stan, who also also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to David (no, a different one), who turns not-quite-twenty-four today, somewhere in Mass-ACHOO!-setts.
Somehow, We managed to remain uninformed of the arrival of the Apocalypse today until this very morning, and may We just say, this is the “that” on The List Of Things Ain’t Nobody Got Time For. To put it more politely, We have a kabillion and eleventy-twelve errands to run today, and The Universe can take its fucking Apocalypse and shove it up its hairy hole where the sun don’t shine.
Meanwhile, in An Epic Episode Of Unfortunate Advertising Timing, one of Our credit cards with a restaurant discount program has just emailed Us to inform Us that “It’s perfect patio weather!” Which indeed it is, if you have a hankering to visit Oz this afternoon.
Seriously, boyzzz and gurrlllzzz, the worst having apparently passed Us by, much like Life, We are going shopping this afternoon.
In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
And now the HorrorScopes:
In celebrity birthdays, it is Siegfried Fischbacher’s birthday today. This is mainly notable as this is the first We have ever heard his last name, which, prior to this, We had always assumed (thereby shoving Uma Thurman up Hume Cronyn’s ass) was “And Roy”. It is also notable for the fact that We cannot recall if it was he or And Roy whose face was eaten by a tiger, and how many people can One say THAT about? (Roy’s last name, for those Inquiring Minds Who Want To Know, is Horn. You’re welcome.)
Your body is still ruling your life today (Well, at least someBODY is in charge.)
(Heh. See what We did there? We kill Us.)
— though that should be a good thing. (Shoulda woulda coulda. Also, Buddha, gouda, Zapruder.)
Follow up on your less spiritual feelings and see where they lead. (We already know this answer: Johnny Depp’s underwear drawer.)
You are sure to be surprised and delighted! (It strikes Us that, if Engrish were (subjunctively) Our second ranguage, We might construe “delighted” to mean “having Our lights turned out”. (We might also deriver food on a bicycre, but that’s a whore of an udder’s collar.))
(What does that even MEAN?)
You are getting tighter (Thanks, Kegel exercises!)
with someone who really gets you all-hot-and-bothered, which is wonderful and exciting. (If only Kelli weren’t a complete incompetent AssHat…)
But things might be going too fast (We certainly hope so…perhaps there will be Apocalypse Clearance Sales…”World ending! Everything must GO!”)
— today you should turn down the heat a little bit. (Sweetie Darling, it’s June in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles…it’s all about the AC, not the heat.)
(Also, it’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.)
Resist the urge to spend every minute with them or to share too much about yourself. (Have We moved on somehow from Johnny Depp’s underwear drawer?)
(It occurs to Us, meanwhile, that We are coming up on Our 800th e-pissode here in Bloggonia, and that We have referenced Monsieur Depp in over 100 of same. And still, he doesn’t call, he doesn’t write, he doesn’t sext…le sigh.)
It’s more important than ever to retain your own individual identity. (Yeah, ‘cause that’s been working out so well so far.)
Too many details could overwhelm them and create too much tension. (Who is “them”? We seem to have lost the thread.)
Don’t worry (Be crappy.)
— cooling things off will only let this fun phase last longer. (Oh, dear. If THIS is “the fun phase”…)
You’re really cooking now (Oh, yes. We are cooking with gas. Well, at least, We HAVE gas.)
— so crank up the heat, toss in some spices and dish up something awesome. (Someone left Our cake out in the rain.)
Your courage in trying different recipes and new combos makes you highly sought after. (Yeah. “Sought after”. That’s we.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.