Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, June 4st, 2013. It has come to Our attention that some Gentle Readers may be flummoxed by Our “Tuesday’s child is Jacques Cousteau” verse of late. Here is a helpful hint: begin singing at “GoodPieRupeeTuesday”, then continue singing throughout. You will be amazed, astonished, agog, and aghast. You’re welcome.
Happy Birthday to Heather, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, or at least in its suburbs. Also, Happy Birthday to Colin, who also turns twenty-four today. Although We are not entirely sure where. Wherever it is, that lucky place is a great deal more beautiful due to his presence.
See? We’re not ALWAYS a raving lunatic bitch.
Meanwhile, the Fringe application that had Us so verklempt yesterday turned out to be much ado about muffins. (What does that even MEAN? Who makes a fuss about muffins? (And does it make anyone ELSE verklempt that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “verklempt”? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)) It was only the beginning application, where all they want is One’s money. Since We HAVE no money, it was easy-peasy.
Muffins, muffins, muffins…that’s all I think about.
Can we have muffins? Just you try and stop us!
(That last bit was for Heather. No one else knows what the fuck We’re talking about.)
But, speaking of money, you can all be looking forward to a KickStarter campaign, with which We shall attempt to fund this ill-considered Fringe fiasco. Or possibly an Indie-Go-Go. (If anyone has any experiences with either of those services, please share with Us. Especially the latter, as We already know several folks who have used the former.)
Alternatively, Cher with Us:
If Ah could turn back Thai-yum…
In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
And now the HorrorScopes:
In random celebrity birthday news, Angelina Jolie and Russell Brand are the exact same age today (and, presumably, every other day). Dr. Ruth Westheimer is considerably older. Also, if someone were (subjunctively) going to teach Us something about sex (whatever THAT is), We would pick Angelina Jolie and/or Russell Brand LONG before We would pick Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Just sayin’.
In Our continued efforts to upgrade the proceedings around here, We have actually stumbled upon an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) who is WORSE than Our AssHatted Gal Kelli. In fact, We would venture to say that this character makes Kelli look like Shakespeare. (Okay, not WILLIAM Shakespeare, his older brother, Hymie Shakespeare, but still.) This mess is so bad that it practically mocks its own self. Friends, Romanians, Cunt-rymen, lend Us your ears:
(Speaking of Not-Shakespeare, Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “lend Us your ears” to “send Us your ears”. Apparently, there is a lost Shakespearean play about Vincent van Gogh. (In other news, those who were clutching their pearls over the last passage will be horrified to learn that Micro$oft Weird™ thinks “Cunt” is just fine.))
It prevents problems of health derived from a bad feeding, if do not know what needs to eat consults with a professional and begins to balance your diet. Rest more and it stops smoking. The spiritual power is translated simply and following the law of the smaller effort, like unconditional love, personal overcoming, and capacity for leadership, thus naturally and without will. The happiest and loved people are those that seed gratefulness and love. Innocent questionings to recover the power to change and to return to the present Earth, to obtain the vision that can of the have lost in the way automatism: What disappointment finished with my plans of life?
All together now: That’s what SHE said!
List of things ain’t nobody got time for:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.