Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThursday, June 27, 2013. Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Nick, who turns not-quite-twenty-four today in, We shit you not, Bath. Insert “baby with the bathwater” joke here.
Is it just Us, or has there been a sudden upturn here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! in the number of Birthday-Havers who are less than twenty-four? This would seem, somehow, to be counter-intuitive, but We really don’t care to dwell.
Speaking of not caring to dwell, in a fit of ennui last night, We watched the premiere of this season’s Big Brother. We are fairly certain We didn’t get hooked, but if We start making regular reports, please stage an intervention. KThxBye.
In other news, do these right-wingnut anti-equality bigots who are riding the waaaaambulance after yesterday’s SCOTUS ruling not realize that they are the exact same folks that are in the pictures from the 50s and 60s, protesting desegregation and harassing that little black girl who was trying to go to school? Dear Mike Huckabee: Jesus didn’t weep. You don’t fucking KNOW Jesus PERSONALLY, you fucking poor excuse for a shitstain. Shut your fucking piehole and evolve or go extinct. Sincerely, The Human Race.
We would like to pause for a moment, before We continue on another subject, to apologize for Our insensitivity in the last paragraph. It was not Our intention to insult shitstains.
We know you will be shocked, yes, shocked, as were We, to learn that We did not receive a single marriage proposal yesterday. And here We are, with a trousseau full of freshly-embroidered Tuesday panties and a brand new lemur costume.
In other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
Speaking of weddings, if you plan to wed while wearing Vera Wang, you might want to wish her a Happy Birthday today. (That was an awful lot of Ws, no?) Also, it is a very special day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: it is Helen Keller’s birthday! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HELEN KELLER!!!!! (We had to shout, so she would hear Us. Because not only is she deaf, she’s also dead.)
You reap what you sow, (So what are We, a fucking FARMER now?)
and today shows the world exactly what you’ve sown. (We neither sow nor sew. We toil not, neither do We spin. And We’re not even quite sure what Zumba actually is.)
(So are We clear now?)
If you’ve been good lately, it’s sure to be a terrific day. (When We are good, We are very, very good, but when We are bad We are better.)
If you’ve neglected your karma, expect some speed bumps. (That’s not a speed bump, it’s a chameleon. Oh Our God, you’ve run over Our chameleon!)
You just have to spill the beans to someone, or you’ll burst. (“Sow”? “Reap”? “Beans”? What the fuck is this, Green Acres? Kiss Us quick, We’re Eva Gabor. Olivah! OLIVAH!)
The problem is, you’re not quite sure who you should be telling your secret to. (Well, the answer would be “no one”, if it’s supposed to remain a secret. Duh.)
Until you’re sure, you had better hang on to it. (We shall put it in Our Tuesday panties. With the cobwebs. And the dustbunnies. And the nametag that says “Miss Havisham”.)
A friend that you halfheartedly opt (What a rude thing to do!)
to confide in may have an agenda you’re not aware of — involving you, in far more than a friendly way. (Wow. Doesn’t THAT sound murky?)
See? (Seahorses? Seashells? C minus? (Hmmm…it would appear that joke only works orally. Or aurally. Whatever…it’s a non-anal joke.)
Keeping quiet might be best. (OKAY, HELEN KELLER!)
Don’t take it too personally when that move doesn’t get noticed or that message doesn’t get answered. (Personally? It is Our life story.)
It’s all in the timing today, and your energy may be interfering. (What does that even mean?)
Try to make it all about relaxation. (Or Exlax™ation. (Ooops…somehow, We got back to shitstains again.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.