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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Ebony and ivory

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, June 19, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Rob, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  And Happy Hump Day to the rest of YouPeople, who are, no doubt, blithely humping on without Us.

Speaking of humping, We were noodling about on an InterWebNetzian dating site, as one does (did that sound dirty?  Why did that sound dirty?  Was it the noodling?  (Why is it that “noodle” has an associated verb, but “macaroni” does not?  (“Spaghetti”?  “Fettucini”?  The possibilities are limitless…))), when We came upon…

(We can’t even seriously pretend that We just ACCIDENTALLY said “when We came upon”, so We’re not even gonna try.)

Starting over…

Speaking of humping, We were noodling about on an InterWebNetzian dating site, when We received a personal message.  For those of you who don’t while away the hours conferrin’ with the flowers in such places, personal messages invariably come from “str8” gentlemen in non-urban locales  who wish to spend a few moments engaging in “philosophical conversation”.


Imagine Our surprise when We actually DID have a lovely philosophical conversation, with an equally lovely gentleman. (Before anybody gets all excited, he lives in Louisiana.  Sigh.)

But enough about that.  Speaking of lovely gentlemen, We are also having one of same for dinner.  (Well, not FOR dinner.  We’re not going to EAT the poor bastard. ( Unless he asks nicely.))  So We shall have to move this along, as We shall have to go to market to market to buy a fat pig. (How We Our Own Self Personally shall be distinguished from said purchase, We haven’t got any idea.)

In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

Happy Moe Howard’s birthday.  Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.  (It would seem to Us that, if you were born on Moe Howard’s birthday, you should be incapable of taking yourself seriously.  Right, Paula Abdul?)

You’ve got a lot going on today (Well, We would if We were (subjunctively) in Louisiana.)

— even if things feel extra-slow.  (Much like Uncle Joe. At the Junction.  Petticoat.  Junction.)

(Oh, shut up.  We’re old.)

(But seriously…petticoats?!?)

 There’s plenty of drama just under the surface, and you almost certainly have to do some detective work to figure it all out.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Hercule Poirot.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ just marked both “Hercule” and “Poirot” as misspelled.  Which is of no consequence whatsoever to Us, except for reminding Us that We had intended to remark upon Micro$oft Weird™’s non-recognition of “nyuk” earlier, but had forgotten to.  Now, of course, We do not remember what We had intended to say, but rest assured, it was HIGH-larious.)

It should be quite easy for you to make decisions today (Wrong!)

— even the ones that are usually real head-scratchers for you.  (To say nothing of the ones that are real butt-munchers.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

(Munch, munch, munch.)


Your emotions are running black and white, (Which is not NEARLY as crazy as when they run Hispanic.)

(Tonight on CBS: The Amazing Racist.)

which helps to simplify things quite a bit. (Which is good.  Because We are simple people.)

You’ll see the right way and wrong way without much trouble. (What about the Milky Way?  Will We see the Milky Way?)

The only problem could be with struggling friends. (The only problem there is choosing a stream shallow enough that you can clearly see the face of the person whose head you are holding underwater.)


You won’t be able to see the nuances of what they’re going through (Nuances, schmuances.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

and might not have any patience for their dilemmas. (Wow.  Somebody’s been using her Word-A-Day™ calendar. Not.)

 They won’t get good advice from you.  (Or you.  Bitch.)

It’s amazing (AMAZING!)

how the same romantic problems keep popping up, (At parties?)

only wearing a different change of clothes. (If they’re wearing clothes at all, that’s a problem.)

 Now that you’ve seen the pattern, (Houndstooth!  Paisley!  Plaid!)

(Which reminds Us, an observation from Our recent trip to the Central Youessiveay…apparently, there, “plaid” is a color.)

you can start to do something about it before too long. (How long is too long before having oolong?   (That’s just like “I before E except after C”, except no one ever actually SAYS “How long is too long before having oolong?”  (You’re welcome.)))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.