Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for HumpDayHumpDayHumpDay, December 18st, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Gwen, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy Birthday also to Melissa, who also
turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Delaware.
Melissa once played Our mother in a show, despite being only
twenty-four. We, of course, were twenty-four
at the time. (Where is the time machine?
It’s in the credenza. Where is
the credenza? It’s in the time machine.)
(Is it just Us, or does “Somewhere in
Delaware” sound like a song from a lost Rodgers and Hammerstein musical? )
(Going in a different direction, is it just
Us, or does “Delaware” sound like it should mean “aware of Dels”? (The only Del of whom We Our Own Self
Personally are aware is Del Shores, author of Sordid Lives and Cheatin’, amongst
other things. (Hi, Del!)))
We feel today as though the purpose of
Holidailies™ (for you naked skimmers,
that would be the community writing project in which We have been participating
which encourages blogginators to blogginate on a daily basis for the month of
December (http://www.holidailies.org)) is to make
One so sick of One’s Own blog, and, indeed, of the sound of One’s Own voice
that, come January 1th, One
packs One’s keyboard into a trunk in One’s attic and takes a vow of silence.
We do, in fact, have a point, but We are
going to come to it roundaboutly. (We
are also going to randomly create adverbs where no adverbs existed before. You’re WELCOME.)
Today is Brad Pitt’s birthday. He is fifty.
Do you think the AARP sent him an application? Today is also Katie Holmes’s birthday. Her ex-husband is Tom Cruise. Brad Pitt’s ex-wife is Jennifer Aniston. Brad Pitt’s current wife is Angelina
Jolie. Tom Cruise’s current wife is the
poolboy.
If We ran
Holly wood, We’d put them all in a movie together.
Weren’t We JUST SAYING, “Why aren’t We making movies?”
Which brings Us to Our point: an excerpt from the archives. Excerpts from Katie Holmes’s diary, prior to
her marriage to Tom Thumb…er, Cruise. Following which, We are outtie for Christmas
shopping:
EXCERPTS FROM KATIE
H’S DIARY
April 28, 2005
Dear Diary,
Finally I can reveal the secret I’ve been keeping, even from
YOU, Dear Diary: Tommy C. and I are an ITEM!!! My people have been
seeing his people for about a month now, and his publicist finally decided the
time was right to announce that we are a couple!!! I didn’t even dare
write about it in here, Dear Diary, for fear that someone would steal YOU the
way they stole all those phone numbers from that slut Paris H’s cell phone.
Tommy is SOOO refreshing, especially after dating Chris K for
all that time. I mean, Chris is cute and all, but who can even name
a movie he’s been in? I mean, like AMERICAN PIE…what-EVER. And
Tommy is, like, THE Major Hollywood Movie Star. This is gonna be SOOO
great for my career. I mean, look what he did for Nicole, and my boobies are
WAAAY bigger than hers. And it’ll be good for him, too. I mean,
it’s about time he started dating an American girl, instead of all these
foreigners and Australians and stuff.
Plus, Dear Diary, just between you and me, when it comes to, you
know, S-E-X…well, Chris had this REEAALLY big winkie, which could hardly fit in
my hoo-hoo, and he wanted to put it there like ALL the time, and leave it there
for like HOURS, and I’d wind up all sweaty, with my hair all messed up, and I’d
have to re-do my makeup. But Tommy hardly EVER puts his winkie in my
hoo-hoo, and, when he does, it’s just the right size, because I don’t even
notice that it’s there, and plus he only puts it there for like a minute, so my
hair and makeup looks exactly the same when it’s over, and really, it’s not how
you feel, it’s how you look.
So anyway, now that we are officially dating, and can be seen in
public, Tommy is gonna take me to meet some of his friends at his church.
I’m not sure what church it is…the name sounded like “gynecology”, but I know
that can’t be it, because that’s a hoo-hoo doctor. I just know it’s not
anything I’ve heard of before, like Presbyterian or Episcopalian. I’m
sure it’s something really special, just like Tommy. I just hope it’s not
that Kielbasa thing that Madonna and Demi M. are into, because somebody told me
that’s kind of Jewish, and I don’t think my fans would like it if it turned out
that I killed Jesus.
Love,
Katie
May 2, 2005
Dear Diary,
Tommy took me to his church yesterday. It’s
the Church of Scienceology, not gynecology. (I get words
like that mixed up sometimes. So does Tommy, because he’s dyspeptic.)
We flew there in a helicopter, and I had to wear a blindfold,
because I’m not a member of the church yet, so I’m not allowed to know where it
is. It felt just like we were in one of Tommy’s MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE
movies. (Note to self: No more hoo-hoo for Tommy till he agrees to
put me in the next MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movie.) Then we had to circle
for a long time, because the church people had planted a bunch of flowers for
our arrival, but they didn’t match my dress, so Tommy had them rip all the
flowers up and plant new ones before we got there. How kewl is THAT?
Anyway, it wasn’t like a church at all, more like a big resort
in the middle of the desert. And there was no service, which was good,
because I get SOOO bored when other people talk for too long. AND I got
to meet some fat old guy who used to be John Travolta, and that fat lady who
was on CHEERS when she was thin, but now has a show about being a fat lady,
which I think is really stupid, but she was REEEAALLLY nice to me, so it was
okay. And when Tommy and the John Travolta guy went off to get massages, we
showed each other our hoo-hoos, but I got really scared ‘cause her thighs kind
of moved ALL ON THEIR OWN, so I made her stop. Did I mention she was
REEEALLY fat?
So, later, the four of us and a bunch of Tommy’s other church
friends got together and they talked about a bunch of stuff I didn’t
understand, like N-grams and futons and E-meters. I made a joke about E!
True Hollywood Story, but nobody laughed, so I didn’t make any more jokes.
Tommy said I didn’t understand because I wasn’t clear, but I didn’t think THEY
were being very clear, but I didn’t say so. It was kinda like that time
James v-d-B took me to that party with all his weird guy friends in the funny
leather costumes, and all anybody talked about was Special K and circuit
parties. *I* didn’t think it sounded like much of a party if all they
served was cereal, but I didn’t want to say so, because James was always so
sensitive about his friends. And the fact that he was going bald.
Anyway, Tommy says if I want to, I can join his church, because
they have a “special process for celebrities”. Well, DUH. I mean,
it’s not like we’re just ordinary people or something.
Love,
Katie
In other other news, who has opposable thumbs
and will be performing not once, but TWICE
in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this
Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday,
January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown
Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo.)),
and keep your eyes glued…GLUED,
goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think
tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know
when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be
the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the
Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not
peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
In still other other other news
We are once again sharing
with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it
with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeToozDay,
January 1th, 2012. Happy Last Day Of
Kwanzaa! Also, Happy Birthday to Tony,
who turns twenty-four today. We are once again making history here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!,
where We have never before written an e-ntry on January 1th. But after yesterday’s quandary, We were
ever-so-kindly informed that today, not
yesterday, was the last day of Holidailies™ (for you naked skimmers, that would
be the community writing project in which We have been participating which
encourages blogginators to blogginate on a daily basis for the month of
December ( http://www.holidailies.org/
)). Informed, in fact, by The Hostess Of
Holidailies™ HerSelf.
(Now that We say it that way (“The Hostess Of
Holidailies™ HerSelf”, in case you are hungover. Or have an unnaturally short attention
span.), We are fairly certain that a costume of some sort should be involved. We cannot as yet viZZZualize exactly what
it ought to look like, but We are pretty sure it should involve An Especially
Flouncy Skirt and Very Serious Shoes.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think that “hungover”
is a word. Which should tell you just
exactly how much fun Micro$oft Weird™ had on the next-to-the-last day of Kwanzaa.)
Which brings Us to Our first segue (what’s a
segue? About a pound and a half.):
Things We Would Not Know This Morning Without The WorldWideInterWebNetz:
The Word-Of-The-Day is “nudiustertian”,
(which Micro$oft Weird™ also fails to recognize). It means “of or pertaining to the day before
yesterday” which, first of all, is an
odd thing for the “word of the day” to mean, and (B.) who the fuck needs a word
for that? If you want to say, “isn’t that the shirt you wore the day before
yesterday?”, why not just say, “isn’t that the shirt you wore the day before
yesterday?”, or, more succinctly, “isn’t that the shirt you wore Sunday?” Why the fuck would you ever say, “isn’t that
your nudiustertian shirt?” First of all,
in all of these instances, We would feel you are entirely too much up in Our
Personal business, but in the last, We would be forced to say, “No, it’s Perry
Ellis” before punching you right in your pretentious face.
The lovely folks at Amazon™, meanwhile, sent
Us an email with the subject line “New Year, New You”, touting all manner of
workout equipment and gymwear they have for sale. Not even twelve hours into the New Year, and
Amazon™ is calling Us fat. Fuck you,
Amazon™.
Which brings Us, in an oddly roundabout way
(merrily merrily merrily merrily life is such a scream), to Our Main Point. (What?
You didn’t think We had one? Oh,
ye of little face that only seats three!)
It is a point We feel fairly certain We have made before, although a
tiptoe through the tulips of Our archives yielded no evidence of same. (Said tiptoe through said tulips did,
however, convince Us to end Our Holidailies™ participation this year with
several e-ncore presentations, representing the last several First-Of-The-Year
E-Pisstles. You’re welcome.)
Oh…Our point?
(Sorry.) Our point is that the
New Year starts in entirely the wrong place.
Why pretend that it’s a brand spanking New Year when it’s the dead of
Winter and still cold as the proverbial preacher’s prick outside, We’re only a few seconds of sunlight past the
dreaded shortest day of the year, and We’ve just lived through a way more
ostentatious over-the-top holiday just one week ago? Why not start the New Year instead where the
astromalogical year starts, on March 21th, with Aries, when the days are
longer, the weather is better, and everyone’s tongue is hanging out for a day
off?
We also have a second point. (We shall pause here, to allow long-time
Gentle Readers to retrieve their smelling salts from the credenza.) This is in regard to New Year’s
Resolutions. Now, we are all in favor of
improvement. Especially as it pertains
to Other People. But if this were
(subjunctively) a story with Greek gods in it, like Uranus---
(You do realize that, by “like Uranus”, We
meant “Uranus is an example of a Greek god”, not “Uranus is a thing that has Greek
gods in it”, didn’t you? Because if you
had Greek gods in Uranus, you would hardly be sitting there reading this
nonsense. (Well, you’d hardly be
sitting at all, now, would you?))
(Heh.
We kill Us.)
---at any rate, if Greek gods were involved,
and humans started making resolutions, the gods would say, “oh, you don’t like things
the way they are?” and then it would be Katie-bar-the-door. (Whatever the fuck “Katie-bar-the-door”
means. But whatever it is, it isn’t
good.)
(No matter how much you hated the preceding,
it can’t have been as bad as the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise joke We just edited
out. You’re welcome.)
Here is the link with which you may share Our
Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video with your friends:
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, New
Year’s…what’s the opposite of Eve? Let’S see…Christmas Eve, Christmas,
Boxing Day…New Year’s Eve, New Years, Wrestling Day. Hot bois in
singlets…that’ll work.
Another
problem solved…are We a facilitator, or what? (Who said, “Or what?”
(More to the point, who DIDN’T? Are there newbies in here?))
Meanwhile,
happy birthday to Joe, who turns twenty-four today. Joe, for those of you
who are unaware, is the creative viZZZionary genius who makes Us look so good
in this:
And you SHOULD. We can’t pimp Our Own Self; that’s just
whoring in Sunday clothes. (We just made up the saying “whoring in Sunday
clothes”. We confirmed that by Googling it on Wikipedia and getting no
hits. Now watch, next week they’ll be saying it onSaturday Night Live. And will they pay Us
royalties? NOOOOOOOO….)
Speaking of pimping Us out, why’n’t’cha make it a New Years
Revolution to introduce Erix Daily Horoscope to say, one new person every
month? We’ve been checking Our increasingly-more-fascinating
Google-O-Meter™ stats, most recently in response to a comment from Our
daughter. But let Us share that directly:
All
of these mentions of Charlene Tilton are amusing. I hope they keep resulting in
page hits. Or something like that. (Said your daughter with insomnia, who is
different than you daughter NAMED insomnia.)
All of which is fascinating information, and why do so few of
YouPeople ever comment?
Apropos of nothing, it occurred to Us that “gay-for-pay” and
“gay toupee” are two entirely different things.
And now, Charlene Tilton’s in the kitchen with Dinah
Shore. Which must be rather unpleasant for her, as Dinah Shore’s been
dead for damn near thirty years. Of course, maybe all of yesterday’s New
Year’s sauerkraut is covering up the smell. Alternatively, The
HorrorScope:
Your fiery nature is totally energized right now,
(Indeed. We had sauerkraut, black-eyed peas, and kielbasa
yesterday. If We were (subjunctively) you, We wouldn’t be standing behind
Us and Our “fiery nature” on any elevators any time soon.)
(Oh, good lord. The first horoscope of 2012, and already
a fart joke. This doesn’t bode well.)
and you should find that it’s easier than ever to score new
finds and make exciting discoveries. (How many of you just now got the
“gay-for-pay/gay toupee” joke?)
Things are definitely going your way! (Only when We’re
standing in traffic.)
The time for exploring new places (Uranus?)
and new ideas has come (Heh. Kelli said “come”.)
— so tune into your wanderlust and get traveling! (Okay,
could We get a little round of applause here please? A ONE WORD Uranus
joke? Are We a highly-trained professional, or what? (Shaddup.))
Plan a trip to a foreign land. (Uranus?)
(Ooops, We did it again.)
Being intrigued by new people (To say nothing of nude
people. (Sshhhh…say nothing.))
and new cultures will energize you (We are so completely
energized, We are practically a bunny. Or at least people keep trying to
shove size D batteries up Our ass. (We keep going, and going, and…))
to a point that you might finally understand what you really
need to be doing with your life. (So, is becoming Queen of Rumania out of the
question?)
The blinders are coming off. (Uh-oh. Helen Keller is gonna
be pissed about all those jokes We’ve been telling about her.
(WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!))
You are opening your mind to new ways of living, and
although not every discovery is a revelation, most are at least terribly
interesting. (We had an open mind once. Everything fell out.)
You’re in dire need of some culture today, and yogurt
doesn’t count. (Oh, look. Kelli tried to make a funny. You’d better
leave that stuff to the professionals, Asshat, you might hurt yourself.)
Open your mind and heart to the beauty of art. (Who is this
“Art” of whom you speak? Art Linkletter, Art Garfunkel…can anybody think
of an Art who’s under 70? Anybody? Bueller?)
'Cause tonight we're gonna party like it's
1929
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here. I’ve hijacked Eric’s Daily
Horoscope for the first installment of the year as a harbinger, if you will (or
even if you won’t), of exciting changes to come. (For those of you toddling off
toward the liquor cupboard, “harbinger” is NOT short for “Harvey Wallbanger”.
(Although, as a Harvey Wallbanger does have orange juice in it, if you’re going
to drink at 10:30 in the morning, at least no one else will have to know.))
Speaking of You Americans and your strange expressions, I was
surfing the Internets earlier and I found myself in a quandary: is it “up
AN Adam” or “up IN Adam”? (Not that I expect any response. I mean,
what can you do with an entire country full of people who don’t know how to
pronounce “Uranus”?)
I do realise that you are probably wondering where Eric is, and
whether I’ve done him a mischief. The poor dear is still fast asleep,
exhausted from the dizzying whirlwind of his glamorous holiday social
life. And, lest you fear that I intend to run garrulously on like Mrs.
Garrett (despite the fact that I do indeed know all the facts of life), I shall
now introduce an encore presentation of some Eric’s Daily Horoscopes from the
past (one of which happens to be All. About. MEEEEE!)
Many of you will have no doubt been annoyed, as was I, by the
brouhaha over this year’s New Years Day being 1/1/11. This issue was
first addressed by Eric’s Daily Horoscope, always on the cutting edge, all the
way back on 6/6/06, with further references on 8/8/08 and 9/9/09. All of
those installments follow this paragraph. Till we meet again, ducks, keep
your eyes on the stars and don’t stop looking for Uranus.
(Apropos of nothing, here
is Charo performing on the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. Which
totally sounds like the punchline of a joke, until you see the video. Now
THAT’S comedy: http://perezhilton.com/2009-09-07-charo-does-rihanna )
(So We totally forgot to
say:
Here is your horoscope for
Wednesday, 09/09/09 (And We would wish you a Happy Hump Day, but, this
being a holiday week, it is a Week Without A Hump. Not that WE would know
the difference, but still.):
(Meanwhile, all this FUSS
about 09/09/09 (which, if you are missing said fuss, see here:http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090908/sc_livescience/why090909issospecial ).
This led Us to wondering why We don’t recall similar fusses over, say, 08/08/08
(TCBITWWW’s birthday) or 05/05/05 (The Sainted Mother’s birthday)
(Parenthetically (he said, starting a whole new set of parentheses), they are
two of the four people who actually READ these Epistles to the
Epistleless.) So, as We possess archival versions of Eric’s Daily
Horoscope back to 2004 (We actually have PART of 2003, but (A.) not as far back
as 03/03/03, and (2.) hotmail won’t let Us open them.), We did a little research
on your behalfs (We’ll leave out what We did to your bewholes.). 04/04/04
apparently fell on a weekend, and thus was not memorialized in these pages.
05/05/05 was celebrated as The Sainted Mother’s birthday and nothing
else. For 07/07/07, We were apparently on vacation. 06/06/06 and
08/08/08 are reproduced here for your nostalgic enjoyment and
edification. (“Edification” meaning, of course, “to be made more like
Ed”, although who the h3ll Ed is, We haven’t got any idea.))
(But first, try saying
“Epistleless” a coupla times. Fun, no?)
(HERE IS 06/06/06,
WHEREIN THE PECULIARITY OF THE DATE IS AT LEAST
REFERENCED:
Greetings, Express Regret
In Ceylonese—
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, June 6 (Happy 6/6/6 to one and all! Also,
happy D-Day. Also also, welcome back from Inja to Mister Bill, who I hope by
this point has been appropriately disinfected, or whatever it is one does to
people who have been shipped off to Third World countries against their will.
Let’s eat sacred cow together soon. Also also also, happy birthday to Bill
(this would be a totally different Bill) who turns twenty-four today. He is not
on the Eric’s Daily Horoscope distribution list (and why not, I should like to
know), but his wife is, and perhaps she will pass along these birthday wishes.
Who knows, she may have already purchased him his very own birthday copy of
Eric’s Daily Horoscope 2004/2005, available at an e-store near you.http://www.lulu.com/content/250689 ):
That certain someone has always been intriguing. (Couldja be a little more
specific? I am intrigued by so many someones. Of course, I am also easily
distracted by bright shiny objects. What were we talking about?)
Maybe it's time to schedule a grown-up play date. (Maybe it’s way PAST time. Of
course, this is hampered by the fact that I don’t happen to know any grownups.
Also by the difficulty of arranging the “consenting” part of “consenting
adults”. Sigh.)
Stimulating company is always good for the grey matter (This is, presumably,
just another way of saying “Go fu(k your brains out”.)
-- not to mention your
social life. (Mmm-hmm. My social life, unicorns, the Loch Ness monster…you can
mention them all you like, it doesn’t make them so.)
There is no point in trying to be everyone's best friend -- it's an unpleasant
fact of life that not everyone will always like you. (Yet one more proof that
the world is full of stupid people.)
More importantly, you don't need everyone to like you. (Well, duh. I’d be
EXHAUSTED. Could they like me one at a time on alternate evenings?)
After all, if you want to win a popularity contest, it's all about pleasing
others and living up to their expectations, (Fu(k THAT noise.)
and that's not going to
get you anywhere in the long run. (Meanwhile, when was the last time anyone
actually saw ME “run”?)
Stick to your path and don't worry if you ruffle a few feathers along the way.
(It’s like I always say…you can’t make an omelet without plucking a few
chickens. Speaking of dinner, there are signs all over the place outside of the
EAC that say “Found a cat” with a phone number. No DESCRIPTION of said cat, or
any other pertinent information. That cat is SOOO gonna wind up Chinese food.
Mmmm….moo goo gai pu$$y.)
They'll get over it, so you should get on with it! (Oh, Kelli! I take back
every nasty thing I’ve ever said about you. That is BRILLIANT…I may have to
have T-shirts made.)
Caution: The charm level you've got now could be dangerous! (Obviously. Why,
cute bois are practically falling over each other to get into my orbit.
Speaking of cute bois, my own personal day started with a voice message from
TCBITWWW, so the day can’t be all bad. (It is difficult to stay in touch with
people when you work completely opposite schedules. However, as I am constantly
pointing out, one can call my cell phone any time; if I am sleeping, I will not
hear it. (As I am also constantly pointing out, one can answer an email I’ve
sent any time too, with even LESS chance of waking me up. (Let us now take
wagers on that last bit being any more than f@rts in the wind.(Whatever DID
happen to My New Str8 Boyfriend???)))))
Deploy it with some serious thought only -- what's just a friendly flirtation
on your part could be a major heartthrob on theirs. (And wouldn’t THAT be nice
for a change?)
(AND HERE IS 08/08/08,
JUST BECAUSE IT AMUSED US:
Greetings, Earwigs Rebelliously Ingest Cerumen---
(<…Your third grade teacher’s voice…>If you don’t KNOW a
word, look it up.<…/Your third grade teacher’s voice…>)
(Eric’s Daily Horoscope: Not JUST a pretty face. Since
2001.)
Here
is your horoscope for Friday, August 8 (Happy birthday to TCBITWWW, who turns
twenty-four today. Of course, he’s accomplishing that at 77 Sunset Strip,
or Barbie’s Malibu Beach House, or Melrose Place, or one of those other
fictional Left Coast places that the media would have Us believe actually
exist, so he actually remains perpetually three hours younger than the rest of
Us. Of course, at least the Californiancian time difference is
comprehensible by a reasonably functional human brain, unlike the time
difference in China (especially the Korean part of China), where it’s actually
a different DAY right now. (I believe it’s the Day of the Hedgehog.
Tomorrow is the Day of the Cat. The next day, naturally, is the Day of
the Steamed Dumpling (Hey, Where’d The Cat Go?))):
(Oh. My .G0d. Shut UP, Ralph Nader.)
(Long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers (and I *DO* mean
LOOOOOOONG-time) may recall a brief episode where We were about to be
“syndicated” (heh) in a webzine which, unfortunately, never got off the
ground. We had intended to adopt a nom de plume (see also: pseudonym (see
also: pen name (noto bene: “pen name” is different from “that pet name
you have for your p3nis”))) for said enterprise, and had even gone so far as to
create a bio for the new persona (no need to go look up “persona”; it’s just Eye-talian
for “person”). I reproduce said bio herewith (no need to go look up
“herewith”; it’s a stupid lawyer word that doesn’t actually mean anything):
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling
show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the
daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town
mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off
with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor
Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor
Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a
daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship
to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the
newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters
in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
(Now, astute readers among you (and how long has it been since
anybody read a good stute? They just don’t write stutes the way they used
to, do they?) will be wondering what the h3ll any of this has to do with the
price of p33 in China? And to both of you I say: I don’t think they DO
watersports in the Olympics. However, I *DID* mention earlier in the week
that We would be taking Our horoscopical show on the proverbial road; you now
have another piece of information regarding same.)
(Speaking of horoscopes, it is probably time We started one.)
On
most days, you're happy to engage with all comers, friend and foe alike.
(Sometimes, Kelli’s observations are so filthy, dirty, and vulgar that I need
add nothing whatsoever. This would be one of those times.
(Meanwhile, is anyone else imagining the law firm of Filthy,
Dirty, and Vulgar, or is it just me? Just me? Alrighty, then.))
Today, though, you'd rather take time for yourself and think
things through. (If I think things are through, why would I keep thinking about
them?)
It's a good day for self-reflection. (Oh, honey, no.
Just no. I *HAVE* mirrors in my house, and trust me. No.)
Be careful not to run yourself too ragged, right now. (Dass me,
Raggedy Amos and Raggedy Andy. (What?))
You have been working at an exceptionally fast pace lately, (At
least on the cellular level. My mitochondria, for instance, are all
a-twitter. (That was a science nerd joke. The rest of you can move
along, there’s nothing to see here.))
and there is no real reason for you to continue running around
like this. (Wonderful. TAXI!!!)
You can still get things done by whatever deadlines have been
imposed. (See, I’ve always thought that, if there’s a deadline, by the time it
arrives, somebody should be dead. I have a list of nominees, if anybody’s
interested.)
It's time to slow up and simmer down! (Pushy b1tch.)
Take off your running shoes and put on some slippers (My
Cinderella complex, let me showz it to you.)
-- you deserve some mellow relaxation. (Have you never BEEN
mellow? Have you never tri-i-i-i-ed? (Just a little Olivia
Newton-John moment for all my good friends here at Eric’s Daily
Horoscope. Let’s have some General Foods International Coffee™, shall
we? Here have a Xanax™….))
It's not only good for your mental state, (It’s also FAAAAABULOUS
for your mental police state.)
it's going to be good for your wallet too. (Okay, we were
talking about relaxing, right? And if One’s wallet were (subjunctively)
to relax, presumably whatever money One had managed to keep in there during the
disastrous Dumbya economy would go flying out, which would, again presumably,
have a negative effect on One’s own personal relaxation. Because words,
Kelli you ignorant flea-bitten chancrous addled-brained c00terhead, have
MEANINGS. Look ‘em up, g0dd@mmit, in your fu(kin’ Funk & Wagnalls.)
Feeling introverted? (YES I AM, YOU FU(KING FU(KTARD, WHAT THE
H3LL IS IT TO YA? (Heh. See what I did there?))
Start turning all your energy outward to make a bigger impact.
(Why the h3ll didn’t *I* think of that?)
Coming out of your shell may seem impossible, (But you can’t make
an omelet without breaking some legs.)
but the more you spend time along, (Jigga WHAT?)
the less likely you'll be meeting people and having fun. (Oh,
“spend time ALONE”. Which is what it would’ve said if this dizzy b1tch
had an actual EDITOR. Why *I* don’t collect a paycheck for this, I’ll
never know.)
Get out there! (Shut the fu(k up! Cowhead!)
(AND NOW, 09/09/09:
Go over it one more time
in your head, (Or whatever other body part has a vacancy.)
if you're still
trying to work out where you went wrong with someone. (Or, more to the point,
went wrong with everyone.)
You are being given a
chance by the Universe to really mull over the facts, and to focus on your
communication skills within all your most important one-to-one relationships.
(This does not bode well for what happens after We finish this horoscope
and have time and communication devices to kill…)
Some Aries are going to
find that the current cycle brings an ex back into your life - not necessarily
for a reconciliation, it could be just so you can get closure. (We are ALL for
that. Especially if the closure involves a car door and their naughty
bits.)
All in all though, work
hard on figuring out where you're going wrong in relationships, as much as
where you're going right! (Oh, please. If slamming the door on
their d1cks is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.)
(Thank Chr1st THAT was
short and sweet, after all that blast-from-the-past entertainment! Here
come YOUR-O-Scopes.)
Here is your horoscope
for Monday, January 04, 2010 (Well, happy d@mn new year, y’all. And happy
Monday. Poised though We are to go all New Millennium on yo’ @sses and enter
the Blog-O-Sphere, We just couldn’t ask you to cope with one more new and
different thing on this heinous back-to-the-office Monday. Particularly as We
lolled about (which, We should point out, is not at all the same thing as
“LOLed about”) in Our ever-so-cozy bed while all y’all slogged through the
frigidity. You’re welcome.):
(We would make some
effort to recap Our Christmas shenanigans at this juncture, but that would be a
week and a half’s worth of updates. Why, the bizarre dreams alone would be a
novella. A telenovella. Stella’s telenovella. Stella’s telenovella, with some
fella’s umbrella, smell a vanilla patella, Stella.)
(You DID sing that last
bit, didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait while you go back. (To the tune of “The
Name Game” for the musical ‘tards amongst you…ready, set, go! (See? Isn’t your
Monday just a little bit brighter already? You’re welcome…AGAIN. (And what have
YOU done for US lately?))))
(Those of you who are
unwilling or unable to accept the bastardized pronunciation of “vanilla” as
“vanella” can just go back and rewrite the whole thing for Us, starring Magilla
Gorilla. Also, you can kiss Our grits. Which have been conveniently shoved up
Our @ss. (Hey, it’s a new year, and We have turned over a new leaf.
Unfortunately for you, it was poison ivy.))
(Also, We know you are
waiting with bated breath (and, parenthetically (hence (say it with Us) the
parentheses), We are aware that long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers have
certainly assimilated the correctness of “bated breath” versus the
incorrectivity of (and, indeed, disgustingancigation of) “baited breath”.
Indeed, We are WELL aware, as We recall just how very long a time We had to
wait for you to master “bated breath”.)…
(We’re gonna pause right
in mid-parenthetical for a rousing SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?)
…for Our promised
revitalization (there were no parentheses at the beginning because it was a
continuation of the preceding parenthetical. Try to keep up. Jeebus!) of Our
archival versions. Soon, Glasshoppah, velly soon. But if you’d like to whet
your appetite (or wet your whistle, or whittle your…well, never mind), go here:http://www.lulu.com/epsingel.)
(And now, like sands
through the hourglass, (or, alternatively, like sh1t through a goose), these
are the Dayz of Our Livez…)
Your work, health and
daily routines are highlighted by the Moon today. (Well, when the Moon hits
your eye like a big pizza pie, what the h3ll does that even MEAN?)
Take a moment to
consider how fulfilled you are from one day to the next. (Mmm-hmm. NOT a good
idea. One moment, We’re “taking a moment to consider”; next thing ya know, We’re
“heading to the belltower with an Uzi”.)
Are you getting enough
time to eat well (Oh, please…have you SEEN Our @ssz lately? (Well, clearly it’s
impossible to see it all at the same time. We now have a tattoo on it that says
“To be continued”. We had hired a midget to follow Us about with a wheelbarrow,
but We forgot Ourself and sat down. Fortunately, the midget was able to get
out, but he left the wheelbarrow up there. (We’re a little pressed for time…if
We just tell you that there’s supposed to be a “valet parking” joke here, can
you fill it in your own selves? KThxBye.)))
and rest deeply? (Well,
not as deep as the wheelbarrow.)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
Does your current
schedule give you space to enjoy quality time with those you love? (Clearly,
“quality time” is a euphemism. You decide for what.)
Efficiency is the name
of the game today (No. No, it isn’t. As We have clearly already established,
the name of the game today is either “Stella” or “Magilla Gorilla”, depending
on how you choose to pronounce “vanilla”. Try to pay some g0dd@mn attention.)
so if you need time or
space to rework a more practical routine, take it. (Somehow, that makes Us
think of baton twirling. There’re two brain cells We’ll never get back.)
Colleagues are more
supportive of your shifting priorities than you realize. (Well, maybe, but We
sure did p1ss off the midget.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
She wasn't so Scary.
-
I am shook. I am speechless. I am sad, shocked, heartbroken and damn right
shook. I am writing his note on my blog, because this is where I met Scary ...
Mercury in Gemini- Long Shot
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card shark by twak, CCL *Helios Says:*
“*Scientists have calculated that the chances of something so patently
absurd actually existing are millions to on...
If You Ask Me...
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Looking at my Facebook feed tells me it’s been a big news week for the
worlds that overlap the ven diagram of things that appeal to LGBT people.
Some LGBTs...
“Slut on a Monday Night” Live at Joe’s Pub Bootleg
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A pretty girl who came to see my show took this video on her phone and I
stole it off of her facebook. I wrote this song from my heart with my
friend Greg ...
